Repair Away

You fix it.  Hurry before someone from the government comes to help.  Take a wrench to the sputtering engine before a representative from your capital sends a drone to pulverize your vehicle into submission.  Those holding the hammer next to the shattered china cabinet’s contents swear they only showed up to help hit things back into wholeness. Despite the purported assistance, we’re left trying to reassemble our fragmented existences. Things are being destroyed somehow, which assuredly has no relation to those who dash off at the sound of sirens.

The world is in disrepair, which is problematic as we presently have nowhere else to go.  Hell doesn’t count.  We’re no safer despite promises to forge a path of friendship.  These oceans are tricky to pave. A plan for fighting ISIS isn’t as important as dishonoring a Founding Father by removing his mug from bills we don’t have, anyway.

Wondering who allowed the death cult with a grudge against us to thrive is a question that doesn’t get asked.  But have you thought about what you’ve done to prompt their contempt? Stop being an arrogant American who wants to not bother anyone.

Making us exchange insurance we liked does harm. Well, how would you fix it? Subsidizers ask repeatedly so as to not hear your answer.  Well, we already identified a solution about five seconds after the Health Crisis Task Squad started gobbling our beloved plans.  Many have proposed competition from different states and insurers other than the ones your dumb work chooses for you. But all those options could be confusing.  Simplify your life.  You don’t get to say no.

We face a peculiar political foe who somehow thinks removing options creates efficiency.  Government will be really good at pleasing you like it always does, especially when your other option is punishment.  Taking away subsidies is very cruel, at least according to those who don’t ponder why they’re needed in the first place.

We have a moral obligation to help people who are always broke. It’s as if someone in this era of federal intervention holds back productivity.  I can’t think of any correlation.  Would adding less debt provide relief? Nah: all this spending is bound to pay off, so it’d be foolish to stop now. You don’t quit plunking into a slot machine because you’re losing money, as the jackpot could arrive with the next pull.  This is not the time to ponder whether odds tilt in the house’s favor: it’s crisis emergency hour, which requires action.  Pull the arm again.

Broken items are the cheapest.  Liberals would rather let people afford things by making them worthless. Worst of all, this junk gets expensive, unless you’re one of the lucky few whose insurance premiums were bribed slightly downward.  Letting people earn enough to create value sounds rambunctious.  We better just throw student loans at high school graduates so colleges will keep making tuition cheaper.  Next, we’ll try to figure why the vacancy rate is unnervingly low in places with rent control.

We just randomly got here through the arbitrary cruelness of existence.  Man, that sucks.  At least it’s not our fault that we gained weight just because we like buttered cupcakes.  Bad things just happen according to people who like drawing attention away from potential sources of mayhem.

People who come up a little short in the success department don’t want you pondering if we control events.  It’s tougher to figure out why people are poor instead of subsidizing them to not be so.  Sure, they spent all you earned.  But now you’re acting like it’s their fault you don’t have any purchasing power. It’s mean.

Americans appreciate federal friends trying to realign satellite dishes with potato guns.  But holstering their weapons would be more helpful. This government could actually patch things by doing nothing.  We’re the handymen, not the dopes we assign to guard the paving fund.  Best of all, sitting there so actual useful humans can thrive takes no active planning, which is great news for parasites lazy enough that they’d rather win elections than find respectable employment.

A properly-limited government stimulates in a way wasting money like there’s a prize for doing so never could.  We already have an extensive list of items to mend that our superiors attempted to assemble for us.  They can’t even do their assigned tasks.  Our leaders were supposed to buy a security system with some of the money they nicked as an allowance.  But they frittered it on Slush Puppies and the claw machine. Having nothing worth a larceny is a novel way to deter thieves.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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