Learn from Lameness

I guess you don’t know with certainty if falling down the elevator shaft will end in pain.  It’s best to climb up the cable and try a few times to make sure.  America’s been descending hastily for years, and the impact is bound to not tickle.  The White House assures us we’ll feel better with pulverized bones and will love the painkillers, anyway.

We shouldn’t need examples of why liberalism sucks.  It’s definitely time to pick up the lesson, as there’s not much else to do in traction, anyway. Let’s promise to learn from the pain this time and jab each other’s healing wounds with sticks if we forget.

Our instantaneous society will need eight years to know Obama is a cosmic failure.  Some T-Mobile customers might get slowly-loading tweets, but they shouldn’t lag that much. The attacks on small-government fans by the same leaders who toady to big global villains have only been occurring constantly. A few more thousand infringements, and people might start to take notice.  For now, let’s debate the best Instagram filter for selfies.

It didn’t take tarot cards to read this future.  Some of us could’ve told you that we’d be vulnerable for reasons greater than being broke.  This isn’t to gloat, but perhaps you should get political information from someone other than sanctimonious high school pals on Facebook. At the least, pay attention to friends who aren’t posting criminally stupid memes claiming your insurance is about to get affordable.

Maybe we would stop moping if you’d listen to us.  Instead, we have to relieve our pain with sad poems and Morrissey songs.  The only thing that sustains us is the dream of relief in some distant year like 2017.  At least every sad day is one day closer to grownups getting the chance to stop Iranian terrorists from going atomic, reverse the notion that self-reliance is obsolete, and convince patients that subsidized insurance is nothing but an expensive sugar pill.  Every bad moment passing brings us closer to removing burdens.  Cope with sickness any way you can.

There are ample flames to douse as the White House heaves Molotov cocktails at everything Americans hold dear.  I wish there were more fulfilling ways to pass time, but at least spend the hours trying to limit infernos.  The only thing saving us from further damage is the president’s dainty throwing motion.  But even a fluttering bottle half-filled with petrol can cause damage upon landing against a faded ancient document.

Those entrusted with real power to implement kook theories are screwing up on a municipal level, as well.  Take prickly dick Bill de Blasio, who some of us knew would bring that fun throwback widespread felony vibe to Fun City.  Even in this dumb city, the honorary Sandinista has created provisions that make New Yorker print copy-reading Zabar’s patrons take pause.  Nothing creates conservatives like liberals in power.

If nothing else, the incumbent enemy of productivity has set the stage for a follow-up mayor who hates criminals instead of cars. But the next election might only extend pain.  It shouldn’t take an unpleasant putz screwing up Earth’s greatest city to prove that class warfare is for classless losers.  Bribing the housing market means fewer places to live, but at least we couldn’t afford rent, anyway. There’s bad news if you want your order in a container that actually can hold food.

It’s already too late for those who think a $2.75 freaking subway ride shouldn’t include a passenger-to-passenger pitch from increasingly emboldened panhandlers.  Many fed-up Knickerbockers tease the wholly unpleasant de Blasio for being a likely one-term mayor after every time his ass gets whooped by reality.  But it’s far from certain Gotham’s voters will acquire enough sense to hate felons more than business owners, especially with so many everyday expenses being addressed by a government that’s quite into thievery.  For a broader sobering example, Barack Obama elected twice when he shouldn’t have won once.

Discovering what’s wrong is in our hands. Contrarians don’t even have to offer a book to those who stubbornly refuse to admit insurance deductibles are keeping pace with debt.  We should embrace the wonders of living in Futureland instead of letting the present seem confusing.  It’s my understanding everyone has a pocket-sized supercomputer that permits access to all information humans have compiled. With such devices, it’s easy to find examples of how attempting to help the poor by taking from those who aren’t harms both. Remember them this time.  Write a note. Hey: you can use the same gizmo.

There’s a big difference between contentment with the way things are and ignoring what’s going poorly.  Many people who understandably avoid thinking about Washington is up to don’t realize it takes special effort to keep things going well.  Invasions into autonomy accumulate enough to affect personal budgets and decisions.  Everyone prefers going about their lives rather than focusing on dumb politics.  But ignoring invasive policies is no more helpful than trying to reduce health costs by subsidizing them.

We sadly know what’s next.  Contemporary soothsayers don’t need to read Greece’s entrails, although analyzing that unhealthy deceased Aegean animal’s guts is one time hepatoscopy would actually tell us something.  But pain is on the way as long as the sadists get to pretend their experiments may not hurt.

Landlubbers don’t have to look abroad for a flaming shipwreck caused by encouraging the crew to idle on the deck.  Looting the captain’s quarters has been as productive as dipping into the rum ration. I understand the urge to booze. Just remember why we feel so regretful tomorrow morning.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/505996.


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