Something to Sell

The only thing more offensive than being sold a product is being told to take one.  Advertising is a byproduct of human production, as letting people know what you peddle is how this species does business.  Don’t tell those jingle-loathing scolds why appealing to the public is part of a budget. Snotty leftist contempt for those who tell us about their wares reflects a desire to centralize everything.  Look for the Washington label.  If the item sucks, that’s tough.

Most people don’t like commercials.   Most people don’t like missing their family at work or how eating can cause weight gain, either, but the alternative is worse.  Removing the need for selling through centralization ends up as unpleasant as thinking the government can spend our money to please the economy.

In these excessively social days, benevolent leaders narrow the range of product options to one before making it illegal to dismiss.  Freedom from choice has not quite created the bliss envisioned.  The thought that not having anything to sell saves money has been quite costly.

Only people with something worth selling make worthwhile pitches. Besides, we’re coping with an eight-year ad break for a product as obsolete as it is worthless.  Americans are being forced to buy ENIAC machines.  And we can’t even play Sudoku on them.  The retro charm doesn’t justify the requirement.

The notion that government doesn’t sell its goods is as discredited as the concept of keeping your doctor. Those brutes with the health scheme give you the Glengarry Glen Ross pitch on something you’re forced to purchase. How many Obamacare timeshare meetings must we endure before they realize we’re so resistant that we’ll decline something mandatory to buy?  Maybe you’ll be convinced the Iran deal isn’t setting the conditions for World War III with the next hashtag.  This White House doesn’t grasp that the most effective advertisements are for things consumers actually desire.

Isn’t it silly how much Coca-Cola spends urging you to drink sugar water? Anyway, pay no mind to what this administration has wasted trying to convince us to enroll in a plan we’re punished by law if we leave it out of our carts.  The difference is that a real-world shopping trip involves your money, at least if you’re one of the few people lucky enough to earn at a level that the government soaks you.  Anyone who despises those paying income taxes should realize poverty stems from the top hat set sending more to Washington shredders instead of investing in businesses. Sock it to the rich, and yourself.

Presume even the simplest things have to be explained to those who think the FCC will make the internet faster.  Start with slowly explaining how competition lowers prices, as retailers have to maximize quality to attract business while keeping the budgets of those they’re trying to attract in mind.  We’re dealing with dupes who think removing options helps make what’s left desirable.  This White House doesn’t get incentives, or anything else, for that matter. They’re steady in the wrong way. Giving Iran a credit card is as perverse as concluding the government’s financial speciality is proficiency.

How do these people get through the day?  The thought that removing the need to please others makes mandarins efficient is as shrewd as hoping the Tooth Fairy will save us from debt.  Good luck to those trying to cite an example.  Bureaucrats with no chance of getting fired or motivation to please consumers are renowned for assisting fellow humans.  We get to choose products when we escape the Beltway’s reach, which is hellish for liberals. They can’t even supervise the prices we pay or monitor the status of what we get.  Can we really trust people to know what’s best for themselves?

Everyone’s pushing a message.  The White House gets free time on the news.  By contrast, thank those who purchase the privilege for supporting your favorite programs and sites.  You can refuse their enticing offers if you’d prefer.  Private sellers have to appeal to as many customers as they can.  Commercial interaction is a revelation to statists.  Next, we can try to convince them that our enemies should behave before we invite them to sleepovers.

Yes, we all tire of trying to be talked into a sale.  The Geico gecko is as grating as Progressive Flo, and I’d buy a pay-per-view of them fighting in a shark tank.  The Wendy’s girl can officiate if she covers her wetsuit in chicken nuggets first.  But all offer something which you can disregard while changing the channel.  Try rejecting any federal mandate if you think you can outrun IRS dogs.  Obey idiots hiding behind three letters or get penalized.  As for an initialism representing deliciousness you can turn down if your taste buds don’t work, it turns out there is something worse than the Darrell Hammond KFC ads.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at

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