Governing Still

The ideal politician is a lazy jerk. I want an inspirational luminary in charge who never does anything. Everyone else can get work done if the president focuses on his actual responsibilities such as reminding mullahs we have more nukes than we can store and watching for shoplifters in the Smithsonian gift shop. Signing bills to cut 10 percent of government agencies after first cutting half should only take until lunch.

As with everything else, Barack Obama’s image of a work-averse slug is a facade. Sure, this president is serious about recreation. But he’s lamentably active during the banker’s hours presidency. Life would be a lot easier right now if he didn’t pack so much harassment into those brief moments when he can summon the energy to abuse the office. You know you’re blessed with an uplifting boss when you hope he goes back on vacation. He can be miserable while indulging in unimaginable luxury like someone who knows he’s blessed.

A truly legal and decent president would spend his working hours on Periscope flipping off his phone to remind other countries who’s boss. He constitutionally can’t just invent rules no matter how awesome it’d be to have car engines run on positive vibes. Such restrictions of code and physics are unconscionable to a man who must’ve been appointed based on how he acts.

Obeying the proper responsibilities means not bothering us, and he won’t stand for either. A properly lackadaisical president is all we want. The absence of irritations shouldn’t seem like such a desirous outcome. But we live in unpleasant times where independent decisions are as antiquated as private revenue.

The right to breathe isn’t spelled out in the Constitution. But we can go with a broad interpretation in this one case and say it’s implied. All today’s right-wing zero-government radicals want is for the boot to come off the neck. Pretending liberty presently flourishes is a tacit admission that one doesn’t follow the news or interact with the world.

You don’t realize how nice your brain feels until the headache goes away. The simple lack of stifling pressure will feel like relief. It’s a testament to the thorough foulness of present conditions that just getting back to normal will be a victory of sorts. Permitting acts of voluntary commerce should not be a revolutionary notion in this nation, so let’s reestablish them and dance around discussing these years in future conversations.

The president has relatively easy job, which differs from this particular one’s brief moments of vigorous bitchiness. The incumbent works as little as possible to screw up as much as he can. He appreciates efficiency in only a single sick manner. By comparison, a decent president just has to stick to the employment requirements.

The present hire tries to cook and serve your food as he busses your table, which is especially problematic considering he works at a bank. The next one merely has to stop doing atrocious things. Leave the hard work to us, especially since the government only makes it harder. Duct-tape hands if necessary.

Enduring agony makes life seem special after, so at least there’s some value from these dumb times. Less suffocation is going to seem nice. We’ll feel better with the mere absence of crummy insurance by order, a billion edicts from a million twerps with plastic badges, and your money being spent on things you’d never buy to purportedly help you. Mandate Nation has inflicted incredible discomfort on those it’s supposed to assist. Cutting the strings is a relief once you’ve coped with these special sinister puppeteers.

Voters should seek an inspiring leader to loathe just a bit less. The Cuba-hugging, entrepreneur-punching sons of bitches presently in power serve as a reminder to hate every politician, including and especially ones for whom you vote. Those who are aware power is supposed to be limited are trying to pick the one who will screw up things the least. Kicking down barriers that the last dope erected for progress is a worthy goal. We should still loathe whoever wins to keep same wretch in line, even if we’re marginally appreciative.

Avoid worship regardless of how awesome the next person seems. We’re not talking about Lemmy here. Look where people thinking they elected Jesus Junior got us. One can respect the shepherd who knows growth can actually make the ominous debt clock tick down. But those placing faith in politicians are presuming government can be used to make it all better. I’d say that level of thinking is for five-year-olds, but I don’t want to insult any kindergarteners.

Those who are aware Washington only annoys shouldn’t be idolizing anyone sent to rot there. Prudent restraint is embodied by those smart enough to know they can’t do it all. You just may have tired of someone who tries to do everything and bites at all of it. This country has earned a guardian who trusts us enough to let us spend out allowances. After all, it is the law.

Legal niceties like the Constitution don’t bother this chump, which is another reason to select someone who will actually behave. Federal help never is. Our next president can do nothing except cross out words and still call it work.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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