The New Abnormal

Raise the hot tub temperature one degree every few minutes until it’s boiling to murder those too comfortable to notice.  This does not constitute an endorsement or legal advice.  But be careful of those tricking you into getting burned.  People never notice that what’s normal is disappearing when our beloved ideals are confiscated gradually.  Comfort is never permanent no matter how much you’re used to it; in fact, the cushiness is exactly why we don’t foresee hardships. Inversely, the good news is that agony is reversible.  Don’t trust the FEMA ointment, as it’s just scooped from mayonnaise tubs.

Nihilism is only helpful as a quick catharsis, although you still only need three chords to express yourself.  Rebelling against what made things good is the surest way for punk to self-perpetuate.  Instead, we have to cope with Miley Cyrus.  Contemporary ingrates are reminiscent of British voters rejecting Winston Churchill after he saved their nation and civilization, although I blame him for not simultaneously installing mandatory insurance while crushing fascism.

At least geezer wankers didn’t have their own example from which to learn.  Today’s voters have access to all the information ever, including the wait times of associated with compulsory health care. But they prefer idle amusement. Perhaps long wait times of their own will inspire research on what happens when distraction is the only thing required for contentedness.

The lack of gratitude for the amazing everyday things that have been preserved leads to crummy times.  Those responsible for promoting resentment demand you appreciate how they showed you the way. Tracking what’s real in this Matrix/Inception world is nowhere near as confusing as coping with ludicrous orders.

Too many in this comfy land of spelled-out rights don’t realize what’s surrounding them. Asking a fish about water will lead to a confused look from one eye.  Blame how it’s not exciting when things are fine. We find it hard to notice what’s functioning, as things going well are literally not news. Heed the wisdom of incessant complainers.

On the other hand is a fist.  You may feel a vague sense that the confused rage which manifests itself in murdered cops and unhappiness among those who have money for supercomputers stowed in the pockets of the costly denim they wear is abnormal. Suppress that subversive notion as your last autonomous choice. Marie Harf will do the thinking for all of us now.

This inspirational stint is embodied by how we’re supposed to presume bad things are permanent.  Everyone seems too weary to do anything more physically taxing than check their Snapchats.  Luckily, the despondent can enjoy 10-second tales numerous times from the seated or prone position without wasting too many precious calories.  Any attempt to repair what’s clearly a busted country brings condemnation for lack of patriotism from those who complained about everything American through 2008.

It’s no longer patriotic to kvetch now that all the things that inspired patriotism are caked with graffiti.  Removing the knives in our backs will cause pain. Republicans want to take away the only way the infirm have ever found alleviation, namely the IRS punishing those who don’t buy flimsy health coverage.  And the downtrodden will starve if we don’t maintain the outrageous rate of food stamp issuance. There’s no money for companies to expand because they have to fund same food stamps.  And the minimum wage hike will mean nothing gets started. There’s no time to appreciate irony. Please help.  By law.

The branding iron will feel numb soon.  Those of us who don’t think the USA’s middle letter stands for “Social justice” are supposed to be used to debt, sharing hospital beds with lepers, and American modesty by now.  Tearing down everything that makes the nation great was supposed to crush us jingoists while deterring enemies.  Yet both have higher energy reserves than expected.  That must be why the demolition experts in the White House lump us together.

Stagnation is unavoidable.  What are you going to do: be productive?  The government would have to stop addressing your material wants for that to happen, and such a risky scheme sounds incredibly perilous.  The possibility that chance exists makes this plane of existence frightening.  Hunker down for entitlements. That last bit of force left could be used to push us from the cliff edge.  But maybe it’d be best to instead attend an anti-cops rally.  The contempt for decency may provide enough fuel to keep going.

Your willingness to fight back is making you puny humans tough to subjugate.  It’s time to recline in your information comfort pod after consuming enough protein to sustain you through the evening alliance update broadcast from Jon Stewart’s replacement.  Besides, sitting there angry is the only option for killing hours.  Horrid rich guys took all the jobs, and they certainly wouldn’t hire you to help so they could make more.  That sounds beneficial for everyone involved, which means there must be a catch.  The only way to cooperate is by command.  You were supposed to be used to it by now.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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