It’s All Collateral Damage

The government must compensate for the damage they inflict. Oh: you think you know a better way to fix things?  Whiners claim they could just leave things alone, but the risk of the whole enterprise collapsing like drunken Jenga is too great.  We better keep hammering the pieces.  The puny victims beg the government to please stop with the assistance, as the rusty butter knife doesn’t seem to be helping the wounds heal.  Your screams of contentment only motivate those who have decided to save you with stiffer stabs.

Contemporary life revolves around coping with those who genuinely think Washington buys nifty items in the federal gift shop with our meal per diem.  Your hunger will dissipate once you see this souvenir ashtray, as long as you only use it for decoration.  It’d be cuter if we had a choice.

Government is the most compassionate drug dealer in the projects.  After all, they built the glorious brick units.  These angel dust pushers claim they’re actually there to help. The worst sort of poison peddlers think they’re selling medicine, proving again the cost of free is not worth it. The collective already acts as if it owns your things, so why not your soul as well?

The lust to punish the successful ends up hurting those they’d hire.  But at least we get the satisfaction of teaching lessons to anyone who dares thrive.  You have some nerve creating a service everyone uses, and you deserve to fund food stamps for the able-bodied as punishment.  Besides, a work-free life is far more satisfying than paying the same recipients to complete tasks.

There’s no greater motivation than knowing you’d be slammed if you were able to afford boxing pay-per-view without inviting over 15 dudes with five bucks each.  Present rates teach Americans that they can only do so well and wouldn’t want to exceed that, anyway.

The lower-middle class already endures a huge tax burden, according to those who think Obamacare made insurance affordable and that murderers are exploiting a gun show loophole.  Ask how many don’t pay income taxes, and the answers will be mathematically far enough from the truth to make them audit candidates if they owed anything themselves.

You need a handout on account of everything you can’t do, you poor little thing.  The idea that you should have to pay a higher percentage as you do better is intimately connected to the notion that money really belongs to the government.  Our compatriots who genuinely hold that they’re out to enrich those without as much by taking more from those they’ve concluded have too much. That makes sense to them.  Is it arbitrary?  Sure, but so is thinking that a medium fries aren’t delicious if someone else has a large.

America has endured so much pain from politicians helping. Imagine if they disliked us.  Actually, they do, but their contempt is expressed in a patronizing way that belies how they’re the ones who need pity.  The broken bones that have resulted from treatment for bruises don’t seem to be healing, so perhaps stomping on them will mash them back into place. Someone is subsidizing your care, so don’t worry about the bill.  Nobody involved will ever want to quit assisting.

Aside from the money part, everyone’s rich.  People who are poor in more than one way find themselves mired in poverty as they’re supposed to be leaving behind the muck. It makes no sense: those punished for making it aren’t making jobs as if they are unwilling to keep busting their hides.

Those sick of the beatings sure are babies.  They’re too busy burying life savings in Mason jars to worry about our devastating takedowns of their selfish dedication to compensation and hiring.  We’ll get them back. The taxman’s shovel is likely to snap, as it’s government-issued.  But that won’t stop those IRS goons whose only skill is persistence at bothering others from returning with an excavator.

Purported assistance is as impractical as it is patronizing.  We appreciate being told we deserve fortunes for menial work.  But the notion that we could work for a raise is apparently as absurd as earning one. Handouts do not enrich in any sense.  To be fair, they do help those who issue them feel like they’re humanitarian superstars.  But that is not the stated goal.

Give until it hurts unless you want to know the pain of a perjury conviction.  Sure, our appointed bosses are not using their own money, although they act like it’s so.  And they offer no solution but to keep begging for enough to eke out a living.  They’ll check on those they’re helping if they can manage to wipe those smug smiles off their faces.  It may be awhile.  But they’re certain they made things better.  After all, that was their intention.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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