Dead Improv Air

The cacophony that sounds like bears bonking on top of trash cans is supposed to be music.  This White House thinks they’re playing jazz even though a hammer is not typically used to improvise on a saxophone.  Making up goals is normal for abnormal types who never think ahead, such as those who conclude $18 trillion or so spent on nothing is a good start.  They go crazy without even buying party supplies, which is the worst way to blow rent.  But those who find living for the moment to be too farsighted aren’t projecting what the future will be like, as they figure they just have to bluff their way through sunset.  Tomorrow’s for new excuses, claim those who spent their dinner budgets on breakfast candy.

There’s no reason to invent something people want when you can make others purchase at gunpoint.  Questions regarding who will buy an item, its horrific quality, and whether it’s the government’s job to provide it are irrelevant when customers are required to fill the register. Attempts to defy economics are easy: just get people to applaud because they’re getting unlimited complimentary items for eternity. Funding just needs to be assigned.  The rich will never run out of bullion to tap, as they have infinite wealth.  Also, they won’t be discouraged from earning more seeing how they randomly received their fortunes.

Unwittingly yet fittingly, the reason we have crummy insurance by rule was to elicit a momentarily thrill out of suckers.  Obamacare’s telling beginnings as a cheap applause line mean we’ve lost autonomy at the cost of health all so the president could impress supporters who also think efficiency results from eliminating competition.  Likewise, every tuition scheme doubles down on a free-credit-for-credits policy that made college more costly than meth.  But you just have to convince enough young dolts newly eligible to vote that life is free from challenge.

Those who’ve created love are too busy stomping out those they hate to engage in foresight.  The Constitution’s authors would be surprised to learn gay marriage suddenly became a human right, particularly seeing as they’d be unaware of something invented after the internet. The bafflement is nothing new: claiming that single-gender couples were harmed by recognizing that marriage includes both a plug and outlet would’ve been baffling in 1990 and a fringe position on this day a decade ago.  But now any two adults can be affirmed by participating in a ceremony designed to benefit children produced. That’s a less immediate type of affection than what supporters typically ponder.

Hear about why you’re a bigot now than thinking about consequences of the Supreme Court’s decree that two grooms are cool.  It’s fine to want to change a definition that has suited humans since they started pairing off.  But deeming gay marriage a right is as myopic as thinking there’s nothing bad that could happen from respecting women by treating them as conquests. As with altering the terms of matrimony, the forces of shaky tolerance haven’t pondered what will happen. But they sure feel great about themselves now.

We weren’t attacked today, which means ignoring the grease fire in the restaurant next door has kept us safe from flames.  The condition can’t spread, correct?  Stop getting down on America and feel good because nothing is exploding at present.  Wait: check again to be certain.

Impetuousness as a philosophy means instantaneous needs get addressed, and who knows if tomorrow is here?  We’ll all croak sooner or later, so there’s no reason to bother with thinking what’ll happen when America shrugs or a few decide that all need supervision.  Besides, the ghastly ideas for the future will ruin your present.  A president in his sixth decade still fails to grasp that a policy may not work as promised. It’s not that Obama makes up tales to assure us he can somehow soften life’s harsh corners: it’s that others still believe him.

How do the saps who think everything works as described get through the day?  They must be broke from buying appliance warranties, not to mention all those dishwashers they’re presumably talked into purchasing.  At least a labor-saving kitchen cube may prove useful. By contrast, the government talks you into thinking you need a service contract on nothing.  You must buy it unless you’d enjoy an audit.

For now, we have to participate in the distant consequences of immediate thinking.  But the dire situation will only impede us until we realize the authority can be revoked.  It doesn’t even take a threat, unless a frown in the voting queue counts.  Thinking ahead as little as Kramer while returning pants is charming for a sitcom neighbor in a way that doesn’t translate to national policies. The only thing worse than reflexive thinking is when it’s this uncoordinated.  Silly policies are implemented haphazardly.  The next executive better be good at mopping.  Right now, they figure the White House floors will get filthy again, so there’s no need to bother cleaning them.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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