Your Bully Will Help You

Being a liberal may seem easy.  Breaking everything while fixing nothing sounds fun.  But they live with the shame of uselessness even if they outwardly compensate by lashing out with smugness.  The grownups have to fix what the kids broke.  Opening the window with a hammer is an auspicious sign the Party of O’Malley be good at gluing together the shards.  Contemporary life is about coping with this White House’s fabulous miscalculations. They couldn’t just stop committing them in the first place, as they’re busy mending our fallen world.  Such important work leaves little time to check results.

It’s amazing that this happens to be a time where lots of people want to flee.  There seems to be chaos caused by a lack of leadership for nearly seven years by sheer coincidence of calendar.  The arbitrary nature of threats is why America has not been attacking ISIS where they live.  Whoops: we didn’t bother to stop our enemy.  That macho aggression would’ve just created more terrorists who see their murderous pals get killed and decide they want the same.  So, we have to let in migrants here. Who’s fault is it for letting the cesspool swallow countries?  Oh, who’s to say?  This isn’t time for assigning blame.  Just ask those who should be blamed.

We’re not about to lose our faith in human nature just because terrorists want to murder us.  Might there be bad people running for trouble among those running for their lives? There’s no time to check. We have to take in migrants right this second to further our national policy goals.  Besides, you’re racist for thinking there may be bad Muslims. As with governmental spending ruining job prospects, noticing evidence is for bigots. It’s the same reason we’re not allowed to kvetch about this amazing insurance which totally isn’t making us as broke as we are sick.

Failing for this long shows an impressive commitment to ignoring evidence. This administration continues to fumble with the economy, which is a shock considering the extensive financial experience and utter respect for commerce. Governmental control shows the need for even more governmental control. Hey, it works for heroin.

You could keep pretending the free market collapsed along with your 401(k).  But that’d require ignoring incessant federal meddling, specifically in the form of deciding the inability to afford a mortgage shouldn’t be a barrier to home ownership.  Stupid reality broke the law again.  Bureaucrats who didn’t earn, have no stake, and keep their jobs regardless of the outcome tell us how to invest as a result.

We must ruin health care even more to make it better.  This onerous mandate is imperiling the infirm. But our system isn’t socialist-y enough to help, you see, which is why liberals still moan about its unfairness. I’d thought they’d stop claiming the poor and elderly croak thanks to greed once their savior got his name on a health plan, but they still like to moan about lethal American hospitals over half a decade later along with everything else. Living life fully means never passing on a chance to complain.

Inspirational fascists want to move hospital beds toward full state domain. That ward will make you heal faster because you’ll be scared to stay for another night.  Half-assed screw-ups were part of a broader goal.  Sorrowfully, it’s not to let you be free to spend greater earnings on cheaper plans.  The middle step was to blame mean private insurers. These failures sure are cunning.  It’s uncanny how the results of more federal control are the fault of big business.  Now, you’ll pay for single-payer. The astounding bills will just be the start.

This Commander-in-Chief’s targets only make sense if you grasp his bizarre war goals.  Bombing the intellectual rubble instead of ISIS is his way of making a point.  Pushing Americans to surrender may seem easier, although we’ve been quite stubborn about wanting to earn raises and not take in potential suicide vest aficionados.  It was arrogance that created contempt for us, after all, so it’s our fault that so many indignant souls want to pulverize us.  Obama says terrorism is caused by lack of jobs, which means the problem is his fault.  Well, this is awkward.  We can only hope villains don’t check the labor force participation rate.

What can you do?  All these devastating events are bound to happen randomly, according to those who hope you don’t notice they’re in charge.  Acting like they’re victims of bad luck is this White House’s emblematic way of shirking personal responsibility.  Their only successes are inadvertent cautionary tales.  But they’ll claim until their final miserable day that all the mirror-breaking results are simply bad fortune.  They’re right, but it’s because they won in the first place.

The pain is your fault for not believing with sufficient intensity.  They know just how to turn things around.  By chance, every solution to the problems they caused involves giving them even more control.  A little more faith in these smarmy knuckleheads will bring the peaceful nation they promised, where everyone’s so rich that they stop hating rich people.  Welcome to a different kind of theocracy.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at


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