America in Half

We may get stronger by being cut in two.  Well, it depends on which side you’re stuck.  Those caught on Berlin’s dreary right portion envied those in the part with Burger King and non-Trabant cars. But some sad Americans who lust for communal responsibility think East Germany was the glamorous one.  So let them live out their neo-Ostalgie on their own.  Those who think Walmart holds a monopoly but are fine with government-run insurance inflict their dreary dreams on those who just want fresh produce.

The divide between people who think life has been swell this decade and those paying attention is so vast that separate nations may seem like the only solution.  Those who reflect upon the insurmountable chasm between the thought that government can achieve everything and knowing it can do nothing may conclude differences are irreconcilable.

Dividing our stuff would be the only solution.  But the thing is we already sort-of have that.  By trying things what communal planners have wanted for eight years, we know New Obamastan would be begging for a bailout from their thriving neighbor.  It’d be our fault for drawing away all their business.

This trial separation didn’t let us escape.  We’ve had to cope with the ruling policies of those who are so dumb that they had no choice but to attend Ivy League schools.  After trying the liberal version nationally, it turns out practitioners are too proud to admit they’re atrocious at everything. Unless the Cheney idol is cursed, everything putrid can be sourced back to the president’s mushy concepts.  His steely determination to avoid strategies that work and also share the side benefit of being legal may not offer the best proof that the alternate dimension America is a reality worth pursuing further.

Some mischievous state governments are sabotaging the feds by not being as lousy.  Those voting via U-Haul are grateful for the chance.  We already know what’d happen if we split the country, namely how everyone would take off for Texas.  I’d rather deal with snow than rattlesnakes, but it’s my understanding they sell you a revolver to dispatch the latter.  Blue States would suddenly be into building walls.

What right-wing blog told you about the option to move?  That dang federalism should be illegal.  It’s time for an executive order.  For now, irked Americans can escape some of the hassle by moving to a jurisdiction that’s inconsistent with present national bullying mandates.  The divided nation is already happening in states, as seen by the representative transfer. Unlike the economy, the number of congressmen is an actual zero-sum game.  Also, there are definite losers.  The Lone Star State is the only thing helping Barack Obama, as there’d be approximately zero new jobs without the cowboy mentality.  He’s not the sort to credit someone else just because they were productive.

Meanwhile, there’s all the room you want in Blue States.  You can get a suspiciously affordable home in states which tax what they can out of whatever money’s left after the IRS is done sifting.  Moving to an area that has jobs because the laid-back governor doesn’t add a redundant layer of supervision is silly: who wants to be jammed into a place where you have to go to some job?  The United Provinces of Caring will have plenty of leisure time and paid leave.  As for who’ll be left to fund it, there are no worries: all that government spending really spurs the economy.  That’s why the nation is presently so prosperous.

While it’s understandable that falling short makes people cranky, these guys are really jerks.  Our president is quite nasty in failure, as lashing out at us for not being good enough to implement his great ideas is an unpleasantly apt coping style.  The refusal to ponder evidence is one way of sticking to ideals. The Bizarro model means ruining the economy to help the poor while murdering babies for women’s health.  They should get better value for souls, which is yet another consequence of being unskilled at commerce.

The country’s not going to literally be divided no matter how divisive things get.  It sounds like a lot of work, and torpor is our new national condition.  And even those who ruined everything aren’t foolish enough to start a civil war against the armed side.  I would look forward to New York Times editors knocking on cabin doors and demanding occupants relinquish firearms. But it’d be much easier if they admit they’ve been provably wrong about every damn last thing and let adults take charge.  Of course, those who aren’t too fond of this nation are free to relocate.  We’ll miss them, but they have to leave first.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


You the People

Nothing’s more inconvenient to cheaters than the rule book.  Spill a Dr Pepper on the inside of the Clue lid and claim the winner is the one who stabs other players the hardest with the little candlestick.  The game’s not as much fun when the least imaginative person at the table improvises the action.  At worst, they treat more important things like a game.

The country is no place to slap together guidelines out of contempt for the play.  Liberals think the Constitution sucks.  It may be hard for them to say politically, but it’s reflected in their carefully-chosen words and clumsy actions.  They won’t bother escaping to a less mean country with universal insurance.  Instead, they’ll just reimagine this place in their image.

The chasm in political culture makes sense upon realizing the legally-binding founding principles are bunk to one side.  That doesn’t make the debate balanced.  Suspicious humans with zero trust in their own natural rights have passed on the chance to be treated evenhandedly.

To be fair, we should be frightened of the horrifying prospect of people permitted to take care of themselves and even dare to make decisions.  Universal health care trumps universal rights, although the former has been exposed as nonsense. Anyone who likes John Lennon enough to have thought that we’d be in year eight of earthly bliss should be the only ones who have to cope with such goofy ideas.  But they insist that everyone suffers along, just as the Founders intended.

The ends don’t justify getting mean.  Barack Obama’s last year will revolve around failing to even bother to pretend their moves can be rationalized. The guy who laments the lack of dictatorial powers hasn’t exactly shown a willingness to work with legislators to limit the burdens on free citizens.

It’d be bad enough if flaunting disregard for the republic’s boundaries helped. But he punches the economy at liberty’s expense.  I’m unsure of the benefit.  Destroying competition was supposed to make everyone equally happy, which you can sense strolling down America’s boulevards. To my knowledge, the Cuban government is dissimilar to ours, which makes copying our new friends an odd move.

All these checks and balances written by slaveholders in wigs really get in the way of progress.  If you think this country has been a racist hellhole from day one through today, you’re bound to think treating people differently by complexion will fix it.  Minorities need federal assistance to right historical wrongs, and such patronizing treatment is totally different from old racism because it’s benevolent.

Obey your king and not some dumb lords.  Executive orders are an interesting way of passing bills to make laws even if they are not technically by obsolete notions legal. Disregarding statutes while making up new parts is part of the reshuffling which is sure to result in you getting dealt plenty of aces.  Besides, our rules must compensate for failures of their previous efforts to design a perfect society, and they’re bound to get the redo right.

There’s a planet to fix, so stop worrying about what happens when the government does as it pleases.  Skittish guardians aren’t going to wait for downturns to straighten themselves out as people react to incentives.  The White House’s inhabitants certainly don’t trust markets, as that involves letting icky greedy humans decide how to trade the resources that they value because of what it took to acquire them.  Autonomy would be awful.  Trust one very unselfish human to tell everyone else what to do best, and we’ll finally achieve order.

What if folks didn’t spend in a way which benefits them? That seems very likely.  Transactions that make both parties happy certainly couldn’t pay off for society at large, either, so we better pretend the government is both allowed and equipped to decide how money gets wasted. People negotiating work and product compensation can figure out things Joe Biden can’t.  As for those down on their luck, the right to bargain means charities are actually far better at helping, as well. It’s not merely illegal for the government to define guidelines for ordinary transactions: it’s illegal for a reason.

Obama thinks neither America nor Americans are special. But it’s not like that means he dislikes it here.  That said, he does what he can to ensure both become true.  Dragging down the successful is easier than being one of those bourgeoisie achievers.  Thanks to the sensitive nature of their mission, the Progress Cadre only gets away with what they think they can.

Those who think this country is about sharing what individuals earn and apologizing for military triumphs over diabolical putzes are bound to think all those articles and amendments are burdens imposed by cracker bigots.  Your restrictions would’ve kept them from getting record numbers to quit even looking for work.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Fire the Bosses

America as been impossible to govern for about seven years.  I wish we had saved old calendars to see what happened in early 2009 to make our country so unwieldy.  All I recall is a vague sense that slightly over half the voters believed nirvana was a tax hike away.  The claim that our national contraption is not manageable is patronizing to the manager.  But this jerk boss has earned it.

Noting the job’s hard should be an unacceptable excuse for failing. A sad face and shrug is the natural response from those who assure us there’s no earthquake simply because the rubble is shaking.  The denier leader has shown us how to take charge at avoiding taking charge.  Barack Obama’s inability to thread his belt through all the loops stands in stark contrast to his pre-presidency assurances that he had it all under control. “All” is literal, as every last thing was claimed to be under his domain. This is one wholesale mess.  Ambition is a lot less fun when you have to do what you say you will.

The putzing throwback is less fun than lining up for Star Wars again. The despondent theme that the world is too complex to control ran through the Carter years, which made it the only thing that ran successfully. Our tricky cyber-world presumably has more permutations, which makes Jimmy look even weaker over time.  At least that ingenuous fool got Charlie Daniels to play at his inauguration.

The presidency is claimed to just be too big for one person. Well, it depends on who the person is. Those who uproariously maintain that life can be made nice though not-very-nice coercion certainly aren’t up to the task.  Let’s remember that before electing smug dummies who will end up shrugging after their philosophy leads to more flaming crashes.

Those who shoved us off the edge say we’ll just have to get used to the fall.  America can’t do anything but cope with decline, according to those who can’t find the wallet they said they’d watch for us.  Rumor holds they distributed its contents to those who dislike us, and buying friends is about to pay off.  For now, America is still loathed even as a bit player.  I blame how the world’s too tricky.  Maybe there’s no way for an executive to affect things.  It can’t be that circumstances get out of hand when the sort of dope who thinks heated buildings cause terrorism gets to be in charge.

A lousy attitude is the best way to ensure problems remain unsolved. If you think humans can’t create more wealth, the only task left is to distribute what’s left. We’re being lectured on fairness by people who think your life sucks if someone else has three TVs and you only have one.  It’ll probably get stolen, anyway, seeing as how our foreign policy presumes burglars just try harder to break in if the doors are locked.

Littler laboratories are exploding thanks to crackpots in lab coats who don’t deserve to be called scientists.  New York City is presently a spray paint-strewn time machine.  If you’re wondering what the ‘70s were like, visit right now.  Just don’t stand around too long unless you want a beggar demanding your change from as close as the screen upon which you’re reading this is to your face.  Panhandlers are in your face as workers are chased away. This stupid city is getting that chaotic feeling, as crises somehow spin out of control by chance when there’s a feckless bitch in Gracie Mansion.

Know-nothings think they know it all.  A frightening number of current leaders have no life experience, much less anything that would be usefully applicable.  Make a dollar selling something someone else wants before telling others how to please customers.  The purported pain reliever causes headaches.

After many years of painful tries, liberals could learn that letting government get too big is a concern.  But that would involve too much introspection. Ideologically, it’s easier to blame the system.  Individual responsibility doesn’t appeal to individuals responsible for screwing us all.  They’re the ones who need supervision.

Ruiners shouldn’t get to complain, but it’s part of their personality.  Take how retail-smashers announce federal power is too much to handle after expanding it too far.  Like claiming Obamacare is comatose because they didn’t socialize it enough, it’d be funny if millions weren’t getting hurt.  As a compromise, elect a competent human who will make the presidency seem less overwhelming by sticking to the job’s listed tasks.  This White House’s minions can then move on to more suitable tasks like not jabbing their eyes with crayons.  I know it’s the most intense way to experience the colors, but it’ll be the last thing they see.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

In It Deep

Passive people are always amazed by how bad things keep happening to them.  They’d search for causality, but that sounds like a lot of effort. Instead, it’s easier to look out the window and feel sad about how mean life is.  Such idleness can harm others.  Real damage results when the most powerful man on Earth feels he can’t change things. The “’Bleep’ happens” presidency is full of the censored term in question.  I’ll refrain from using the cuss word in the name of decency, not that those to whom it refers are decent. Extend them more respect than they deserve.

We were promised lump sums.  We only got lumps.  Democrats share the heartwarming attitude that lots of rotten things are inevitable, but only after they’re in charge.  The inability to cope with the aftermath of their efforts runs counter to their initial promise of currency raining from the sky instead of shrapnel.  When their dreams of universal pleasantness inevitably fail, there’s no choice but to act like fate has it in for us.  That’s true, but only in the sense that our destiny was lamentably sealed upon letting ignorant pomposity dominate at polling places.

You can’t live tranquilly despite promises that human conflict were supposed to end late last decade.  It’s your fault for thinking words could be true.  Instead of peace through subordination, Americans have to fear getting blown up by people we were promised were just a few thousand apologies from loving us.  Shrugging at terrorism doesn’t discourage it. We can only hope rewarding terrorism and hostage-taking discourages bad guys, as this could be the one time this White House is right about incentives. It turns out we were wary for good reason, and not for anything we did like exist or be successful.

This is such a relief from living in fear during the Warmonger Junior Bush dictatorship.  Now, we’re in fear with the added bonus that we wouldn’t retaliate if some dastard attacked. The sense of spinelessness has nothing do do with a stubborn refusal to fight back, I’m sure. Barack Obama’s antiterror strategy is that he’s cool.  If he’s what passes for popular, I’ll stick with Dungeons & Dragons in my friend Dan’s basement in lieu of hoping for an invitation to a kegger at the class president’s house.

Well, how would you fix it?  The guy who used masking tape instead of rivets thinks you couldn’t build a bridge out of the collapsed pile. Failures naturally blame others for their own shortcomings. In this case, a president who said he’d end the terror threat let it intensify.  What are the chances?  It must be that it’s simply impossible to stop determined bad men.  There’s no other reason terrorists be scurrying about the globe with the president we have. It may be time to replace “in spite” with “because.”

Likewise, promising us more led to everyone having less.  The economy’s permanently stalled somehow even with these financial wizards casting spells for universal prosperity.  You better hope fellow citizens lucky enough to afford malt liquor keep littering the empty containers, which are now known as bum nickels. As for our finances, should we stop strangling them? Nah.  It’s just that there’s no way to earn that much.  We must tax miscreants who try to sneak ahead via raises; it’s the only way to ensure the gloom is shared universally.

Tales of prosperity amount to urban legend.  Besides, rich people existed in the past, which was known for bigotry.  You don’t want to go back to slaveholding times, do you, supremacist?  Everything in the rearview mirror looks shameful. People didn’t help each other by forking over compensation, which would be almost as bad as slavery, anyway. Instead, let the government control the result of your labor.  It’s not human bondage if you get to keep a little. And you could probably move to New Zealand or something, so you’re free.

Universal peace and wealth sound like nice things to pursue.  But maybe the glue-eaters should start with more modest goals, like not falling out of a window into a cauldron of acid dissolving glass shards that are still jagged.  Those who think the government can do everything have proven it can’t even do some things right.

They fail at the exact same number of tasks they’ve claimed to have mastered, which is to say all of them.  Clearly, lack of funding kept us from getting rich.  It’s tough to believe misery is widespread when leaders flail in the same sense it’s shocking Bill and Hillary sleep in separate beds.

It’s natural for a president with this particular skill set to blame eight crummy years on bad fortune.  Why would all the stupid things happen while he’s in charge?  He must’ve really ticked off a leprechaun who probably didn’t want his gold taxed.  It’s greed’s fault we’ve been cursed.  Don’t blame election results, as that’d mean there are consequences for actions.  This is the eight-year era of claiming we can’t do anything but take what’s handed.  The contrivers avoid mentioning their preposterous activity started the trouble.  Blame who notices who earned blame.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Their Opinion Is Noted

Nobody asked how you felt about having to buy insurance, trusting the jerks who run Iran, or a million instances of federal agencies wasting billions.  Therefore, feel free to change things back without permission so they’re not stupid and miserable.  Ignore what those who brought wholesale woe think, as the hassle posse certainly hasn’t seemed particularly interested in accumulating opinions. They’re more into dictating what you’ll do despite excessive proof they don’t do it right.

The next election is about hitting the reset button, and not the flimsy plastic one Russia took to humor Hillary. There’s no need to consult those whose lack of storytelling discipline necessitated a streamlining of continuity.  Recalibrating without discussion would just be playing by the liberal stylebook, which would be the first time they did something worth copying.  They’d be too appalled by forced change to appreciate adhering to their precedent.  Obama’s wretched shock squad will have to accept the return of prosperity and cowering bad guys as a consolation prize.  Don’t ask if they’re bitter about the problems they caused being solved, as they prefer bossiness.

The forces of tolerance block out everyone who disagrees.  Radicals don’t care about the opinions of those who think this nation is sweet. Return the favor during the reversion.  Imposing massive change is fine if you’re replacing something bad with good.  Instead, the Village Green Regulation Society discarded the ability to live without knowledge the government exists in favor of poking people with sticks.

We’ll just be changing it back, you know, so things work. The precedent of hearing out those opposed was wholly abandoned in the magical year 2009.  The ideas of those who did so were simultaneously discredited.  It’s a shame liberals didn’t ask around, as the results are therefore entirely their fault.  Myopic arrogance leads to thinking one knows best regarding others’ lives.  Who would’ve thought the lab rats would dislike it?  Thinking ahead is as obsolete as manners.

Irked folks can’t wait for when government is again relegated to enforcing contracts, not telling you how many calories are in the beer you’re enjoying. Considering how the present version of authority drives so many to drink, the last thing we need is infringement upon intoxication by noting the waistline damage. Control is to be wrested by from happiness-restricting fascists who think it’s their job to balance your fun. Black out the menu numbers as the first act of boozy insubordination.

No consent is required to return a raging entity to its defined boundaries.  We’ve got bad news for those who don’t want the baby mill to lose federal funding: tough. Planned Parenthood will act like victims, as those they murder never get a chance to make their case.  They could always start a lemonade stand if the infanticide slush fund dries up, although it might be hard for them to run a business seeing how their only output is lying.  Let them pretend the abortion emporium offers health care to the poor as we relieve taxpayers of the financial and moral burden of subsidizing dead infant retail.

Those who ruined our values and economy are naturally into imposition.  While it may seem polite to solicit bipartisan principles upon the journey back to free market principles, remember they didn’t offer the same courtesy.  You may do as you please with your cash once we disregard the wishes of those who neither trust your spending nor cared enough to ask.  Dogs off the leash in the yard may fear heading past their once-confined circles, but the liberation feels normal soon enough.  Anyone who didn’t ask our take on their violations of personal space can sit quietly.

Customer satisfaction surveys are not a hallmark of autocracy.  Taking what’s given is typically the only presented option.  I guess it’s consistent with the presumption that Democrats’ life role is telling everyone else what theirs is.  Those sick of micromanaged decline would prefer a break in character.  Alas, top-down supervision leads to bottomed results, both economically and in human relations.  If they’re angry that their precious federal projects get dismantled, it’s because they know the public will realize they can live without such alleged assistance.

The end of endless entitlements will cause a racket as a consequence. Expect high-pitched, painfully loud, and continuous shrieking from people with no other skills.  Thinking massive subsidies helps the poor is poor thinking.  We’ve already heard them out, not that we had a choice.  Since they didn’t listen when we warned how dumping blood in the ocean would attract sharks, we’ll start stitching up victims instead of hearing how fish guts would help the problem.

Liberty only sounds quiet because there’s less bitching.  Citizens will have so many more opportunities through the mere absence of taxes not being confiscated to fund criminally inept or actively ruinous policies.  Of course, that won’t stop the pyromaniacs from shrieking about fire hazards, so strap on your ear goggles to drown out those who claim it was laissez-faire capitalism that ruined the economy through criminally fatuous heavy guidance.

Big-thinking rule-breakers made you do things like buy insurance that harmed your well-being.  A system where providers have to beg for your premiums and thus offer deals on quality will replace pushy shouting.  The response to the command era will involve imposing alterations only so Americans can go back to running their own affairs.  Those who dislike it will offer their opinions.  But everyone else will be too busy getting back to work to care.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Get In, Get Out

My heroes are those who run for office in order to dissolve the club. There’s an even bigger target than the National Irony Society.  As for an entity that has truly outlived its usefulness, check out this government.  The primary political goal of many voters is to get politics out of our lives.  The counterintuitive target makes the process a little tricky. But disassembling an irksome apparatus from within beats enduring the damage it’s caused outwardly.

It’s easier to crush than create, which government proves every pulverizing moment.  Federal mechanics aren’t good with wrenches, but the clumsy oafs don’t have to be to cause devastation.  They started the skirmish by infringing into our living rooms, bedrooms, and kitchens.  Those bastards have probably made themselves at home in the basement, too.  Who gave Chuck Schumer a key?

I beg for the clock to accelerate so we can speed past the era of snotty liberals asking if we are against putting out fires and building sewers.  Those who think every solution must be mandated never realize their inane examples of municipal assignments list some of the very few worthwhile things government does, not to mention that it shouldn’t take half our working lives to fund them.  Sidewalk concrete is cheaper than you’ve been led to believe.

We can take care of so much despite a president who claims there’s so little.  The ruling mechanism should be engaged in only the simplest functions, as it suits the simple people in charge.  Police driving on paved roads to capture bad guys sounds fine.  You can have a little government, I guess.

People convinced of human ability are not anarchist purists, although we may live in an adjacent ZIP code. Of course, today’s definition of a subversive loon is anyone who thinks the choice is $18 trillion in debt or never getting mail again. At the rate our postman leaves missed delivery notes instead of bringing packages to the door, that’s personally already happening.

Conservatives are not good at this. Hold your jokes.  Of course, neither are those who actually want to be in charge, which offers some comfort.  Further, only one side recognizes that power is there to be abused, which is why neither side should want to create too much of it.  Ted Cruz would love for the incumbent president to spend his final days in office expanding the already-bloated precedents of discretion, so I urge Barack Obama to go for it.  The present president is surely not going to start thinking past tomorrow today.

Those who naturally cringe at daft reasons for being controlled try to elect people to positions of authority so they can reduce its scope. That goal creates the quandary of seeking candidates used to working in fields with concepts foreign to public service like accountability and results.  The only thing tougher than building something may be parrying those in the way of it.

Thanks to the difficulties in finding proficient humans willing to give a few years away to staring down the system, we’ve ended up with a twisted take on balance. As a result of having too few people who hate government in it, the lousy debate is how much a useless administration should meddle in our lives.  True even-handedness should mean arguing over whether we should kill federal programs or just their budgets.

Everything at every level is a hassle.  Otherwise, present life is comfy.  Aside from the weighty orders devastating Americans, there are countless smaller but philosophically significant infringements on personal autonomy.  The government’s unhealthy habit of, say, inhibiting joy by making you think about how bad Burger King is for lunch means you don’t even get to escape while eating.

The simple act of asking managers for calories and ingredients should remain available as an option for the sort of sad health freaks who care.  Meanwhile, humans in general and Americans in particular have every damn right to consume fries without being exposed to the energy content.  Every last thing is going to be difficult once your minders conclude that you are incapable of any act more complicated than chewing.

It’s tough finding a fellow human who will run so the next person running won’t have eminent domain over fellow humans.  But it would be quite a legacy.  Right now, a regrettable number of rather inattentive voters can’t stop yapping about how Republicans want to control lives, which is rich coming from those who think politicians should regulate everything but abortion.  And they want to enforce federal funding for that, too.

Running for office to boss around others is the path to enlightenment for both those dragging and being dragged.  Alternately, more rooted hopefuls want to shut down some of the endless array of preposterous services that provide nothing but fear.  Millions would croak from shutting down any federal program, according to the very impartial people who run them.  When have they been untrustworthy?

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Religion of Peace*


It’s horrifying but unsurprising to wake up to another attack on a great Western city. I wish we could find a common thread. Paris is the latest city where lone wolves acted alike as always. This time, human animals who totally don’t represent everyone who worships like them committed twelve murders motivated by smart-assed views. The actual opinions of those innocent people we lost to terror are as irrelevant as platitudes about how most Muslims don’t butcher those who tease them.

We’re at war with well-armed cavemen who react to a drawing of a shooting with an actual shooting. Stop wondering if the work is blasphemous and start desecrating the thugs who think a publication’s staff is a legitimate target.

I’m not sure what connects this rampage with a thousand like it, other than how “Allahu Akbar” is commonly yelled during grace at Lutheran potluck dinners. For unknown reasons, there are still no attacks by people upset at The Book of Mormon. It’s as if condemning polite people is easy. Some of our moral betters seem more upset at those who insist upon “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy holidays” than at those who butcher over an illustration, perhaps because they know there’s no chance at getting assassinated.

It’s easy to be for free speech when the worst consequence is a dirty look. I don’t care what the deceased sketched. I care about enemies of life itself who use opinions they find disagreeable to justify bloodshed.

Let’s withhold judgment: a clear maneuver in the battle against society isn’t like misinterpreting a grand jury decision. The White House delayed as long as possible to see if the terror attack was perpetrated by the French Tea Party, or perhaps disgruntled employees upset by the K-cup selection in the break room. Their wait to see if this was mere workplace violence may have been why the president’s subcontracted Twitter account was supporting a failed insurance scheme instead of France while the corpses were still warm.

The man who can’t empty Gitmo fast enough maintains he’s horrified by Islamists acting in the atrocious manner they promise. He may simply be surprised by those who keep their word. “Our universal belief in freedom of expression is something that can’t be silenced,” said Barack Obama, who used the IRS to harass political foes and ensured The Innocence of Muslims guy got dragged away. The president is sort-of obligated to pretend he’s for free speech despite a costly record of not preserving it. When you think government can fix everything, it’s hard to not use it for curtailing ideas one dislikes.

Still, maybe this is another multiple killing that can be blamed on media that teases a particular faith. After all, cartoons are just like stills from animation, so Charlie Hebdo’s artwork could be the first part of an objectionable video. Obama hasn’t yet said “Let me state very clearly that the United States has absolutely nothing to do with these cartoons.” But this story is still developing.

The White House is not alone. Carnage apologists noting that, well, the cartoons might be considered distasteful are putting terrorists above the publisher on mastheads. Framing this unspeakable attack as revenge comes far too close to treating a duodecuple murder as a legitimate reaction to being pissed. Those who think condemning cops had nothing to do with the cold-blooded murder of two NYPD officers qualify their support for the late cartoonists by noting how mean it is to draw Muhammad. It’s too bad they’re not definitively more bothered by barbarians who would murder over a depiction than the depicters.

This is a glorious age for global brutes who want to veto content. The mass execution for a profane rag’s portraits comes after North Korea got a stupid movie semi-shelved. Anyone who cared about ensuring The Interview got seen regardless of its dubious quality should be aware that Islamists are trying to kill enough people to intimidate anyone from printing the drawings again. Free speech is useless if the murderous get to be editors. One thing more offensive than the cartoons is killing people for creating them.

These savages sure are thin-skinned. I live in New York City, where my day is spent coping with encountering things I find repulsive. But Islamists won’t even give it a try. The destroyers of civilization seem uninterested in befriending us no matter how cool we act.

Those citing the provocativeness of the doodles in question should be slightly more bothered by images of bodies in the streets. Any ersatz high-minded twerps qualifying condemnation by noting the cartoons were disliked by some members of a certain religion can go live under ISIS and see what they tolerate. Now is not the time to turn Vichy. After all, France sitting out the Iraq War didn’t placate Muslims.

The media should recognize that an attack on free speech might be bad for them. But that would mean acknowledging good and evil exist, which is as unpalatable to them as noting we’re the good guys. Anchors should be wearing t-shirts with the cartoons on them, while newspapers should use them as images for each story. Instead, those who think Larry Flynt is heroic won’t show the tangible examples of free speech for which a dozen humans gave their lives. They should take a lesson in bravery from French cartoonists, of all people. Fighting for free speech wasn’t an abstract concept to an office of wise guys now drenched in blood. They died for drawing.

Escape might have been possible if Charlie Hebdo’s workers hadn’t been weighed down by huge balls. The courage of those who knew they were risking their lives by teasing stands in diametric contrast to the unbelievable cowards who would attack an editorial meeting. The terrorist scum who reportedly surrendered went down like a bitch. He was so tough when he was shooting unarmed men. I guess he’s not a Clash fan.

The diabolical nature of the villains out to destroy us is only matched by their cravenness. Cartoonists, café patrons, war memorial guards, schoolchildren, office workers, mass transit users, marathon spectators: our oh so brave enemies choose to assault such ominous fortresses. Almost as heroic are those morally bankrupt Westerners In Name Only who will pretend that phantom Arab women afraid to ride the Paris Métro are the real victims. Such self-parodic casting of Muslims as victims after a Muslim attack has already arrived on automated schedule. Pay no mind to spineless lectures from WINOs.

It should be an easy decision to show the images now. And many news outlets still won’t do it. Our military members actively confront evil, while Parisian magazine workers had it barge through the door. The least the rest of us can do is show the pictures. Uniting to acknowledge we face peril is the only way to survive as the dastards bring war to our doorstep.

Spread the damn drawings. They would’ve been ignored without the attack; nobody said evil terrorists were smart. Use their ghastly miscalculation as a chance to share what they wanted to eliminate. Besides, we can help separate the terrorists from the religion they claim to represent: running the cartoons gives the rest of the Islamic world a chance to demonstrate tolerance by not ending lives upon seeing the portraits. You don’t think a high percentage of that religion’s members will turn violent upon seeing a likeness of their guy, do you? Durka durka, bitches.

Originally published January 8, 2015.