Bye, Hypothesis

The opposite of progressivism is progress.  The experiment to see what happens when you impose the former on a populace that wants the latter is almost done, which means the pain of being test subjects will cease soon. The aches will linger, as will that hairspray-in-your-eyes sensation. I didn’t even volunteer, although I’ll be semi-glad to have the conclusion.

There’s no other option for the frauds in lab coats than to kvetch about the results.  Science-lovers should be pleased they got eight years to try liberalism, although the most ostentatious adherents may not care for the aftermath. Dissenting about established facts doesn’t change them, although those who made life this putrid will keep trying.

Prevailing political wisdom assumes the president makes the economy purr.  If that’s the case, the humane thing to do would be for him to stop strangling it. We couldn’t have more proof that dolts who have been properly banished from the private sector know how to get said sector up to speed, just in case anyone needed it. More exhibits will help make the case at trial.  We’ll just have to start naming them AA once we get through the whole alphabet.

Did letting these haughty dolts plan our budget sound like a good idea? Obviously, a majority of voters thought government spending totally free money would have no consequences but the sort of happiness that can only be obtained by extinguishing a cigar on a servant’s forehead.  Alas, the primary way to get wealthy is work, which is why it happens to so few. But shysters whose get-rich-quick scheme is painfully slow aren’t going to feel discouraged just because everything they believe has been crushed like job prospects.  Their desire to postpone work keeps everyone idle.

Seeing what happens if we don’t fight back has lead to countless fat lips. Bad people were supposed to stop hitting, but it’s as if they’re enticed to pugilism by lax global policing.  Miscalculation paired with cowardice helps those who pair calculation with perverse boldness.  America receding means evil residing.

We’re not special.  Barack Obama is determined to make the country where he’s the most powerful man as flaccid as possible.  His restraint has made the erstwhile world champion just one of many, which is a problem when the others are such indolent putzes.  Nefarious jerks twirl their mustaches in delight. There is constant low-level war in response to America being unresponsive.  Widespread conflict is the price of peace. We’ll be safe as long as the forces of evil only battle each other.  The president assures us we’ll be safe hiding in the vault, especially since it’s been emptied.

Nobody else can be trusted, as seen by how many alarms other nations have slept through.  We’re the only country responsible enough to threaten whoever deserves it with the battalions to back it up.  Note the contraction can work as either “we are” or “we were.” But sticking 50 troops here and a thousand there don’t really count as battle as long as the media is uninterested.  What if they gave a war and nobody reported they came?

Failure doesn’t stop these pros from pursuing their rubble-based dreams.  Our courageous statist crusaders valiantly fight back in the war on women to take health care for all from the 99 percent to fund overseas wars that make the Kochs even richer.  I learned of the plan at CPAC. Folks who are sticky from the napalm as the world blazes aren’t going to be discouraged by an annotated presentation which points out they’re wrong and stupid.  Liberals don’t even fall for good lies. We’ll just have to drag them to paradise.  They’ll bitch about how their hollowed-out coconuts don’t contain enough rum.

Almost perfect lab conditions created a tremendously imperfect time,  If we can’t accumulate wealth and respect, at least we can accumulate evidence.  The chief technician is honest in his lying way.  Unlike that last president, Obama is actually affiliated with the political movement with which he’s commonly identified.  Conservatives still shouldn’t obligated to defend George W. Bush’s forays into buying junk for your benefit. Call it what you’d like as long as you note it was neither compassionate nor conservatism.  The incumbent should realize he quintupled down on statism.

We could try a different lab setup just for the sake of novelty.  Run tests to see if we can spend our money better than the Department of Energy Costume Division or the Afghanistan Gas Station Commission. Is anyone worried we could wind up more broke?  The only possible excuse for failures of present policies is that those in charge are incompetent at implementing them, which doesn’t seem like the best argument for extending this abysmal interlude by 50 percent.  It would at least explain why they’re liberals.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


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