Get In, Get Out

My heroes are those who run for office in order to dissolve the club. There’s an even bigger target than the National Irony Society.  As for an entity that has truly outlived its usefulness, check out this government.  The primary political goal of many voters is to get politics out of our lives.  The counterintuitive target makes the process a little tricky. But disassembling an irksome apparatus from within beats enduring the damage it’s caused outwardly.

It’s easier to crush than create, which government proves every pulverizing moment.  Federal mechanics aren’t good with wrenches, but the clumsy oafs don’t have to be to cause devastation.  They started the skirmish by infringing into our living rooms, bedrooms, and kitchens.  Those bastards have probably made themselves at home in the basement, too.  Who gave Chuck Schumer a key?

I beg for the clock to accelerate so we can speed past the era of snotty liberals asking if we are against putting out fires and building sewers.  Those who think every solution must be mandated never realize their inane examples of municipal assignments list some of the very few worthwhile things government does, not to mention that it shouldn’t take half our working lives to fund them.  Sidewalk concrete is cheaper than you’ve been led to believe.

We can take care of so much despite a president who claims there’s so little.  The ruling mechanism should be engaged in only the simplest functions, as it suits the simple people in charge.  Police driving on paved roads to capture bad guys sounds fine.  You can have a little government, I guess.

People convinced of human ability are not anarchist purists, although we may live in an adjacent ZIP code. Of course, today’s definition of a subversive loon is anyone who thinks the choice is $18 trillion in debt or never getting mail again. At the rate our postman leaves missed delivery notes instead of bringing packages to the door, that’s personally already happening.

Conservatives are not good at this. Hold your jokes.  Of course, neither are those who actually want to be in charge, which offers some comfort.  Further, only one side recognizes that power is there to be abused, which is why neither side should want to create too much of it.  Ted Cruz would love for the incumbent president to spend his final days in office expanding the already-bloated precedents of discretion, so I urge Barack Obama to go for it.  The present president is surely not going to start thinking past tomorrow today.

Those who naturally cringe at daft reasons for being controlled try to elect people to positions of authority so they can reduce its scope. That goal creates the quandary of seeking candidates used to working in fields with concepts foreign to public service like accountability and results.  The only thing tougher than building something may be parrying those in the way of it.

Thanks to the difficulties in finding proficient humans willing to give a few years away to staring down the system, we’ve ended up with a twisted take on balance. As a result of having too few people who hate government in it, the lousy debate is how much a useless administration should meddle in our lives.  True even-handedness should mean arguing over whether we should kill federal programs or just their budgets.

Everything at every level is a hassle.  Otherwise, present life is comfy.  Aside from the weighty orders devastating Americans, there are countless smaller but philosophically significant infringements on personal autonomy.  The government’s unhealthy habit of, say, inhibiting joy by making you think about how bad Burger King is for lunch means you don’t even get to escape while eating.

The simple act of asking managers for calories and ingredients should remain available as an option for the sort of sad health freaks who care.  Meanwhile, humans in general and Americans in particular have every damn right to consume fries without being exposed to the energy content.  Every last thing is going to be difficult once your minders conclude that you are incapable of any act more complicated than chewing.

It’s tough finding a fellow human who will run so the next person running won’t have eminent domain over fellow humans.  But it would be quite a legacy.  Right now, a regrettable number of rather inattentive voters can’t stop yapping about how Republicans want to control lives, which is rich coming from those who think politicians should regulate everything but abortion.  And they want to enforce federal funding for that, too.

Running for office to boss around others is the path to enlightenment for both those dragging and being dragged.  Alternately, more rooted hopefuls want to shut down some of the endless array of preposterous services that provide nothing but fear.  Millions would croak from shutting down any federal program, according to the very impartial people who run them.  When have they been untrustworthy?

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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