America in Half

We may get stronger by being cut in two.  Well, it depends on which side you’re stuck.  Those caught on Berlin’s dreary right portion envied those in the part with Burger King and non-Trabant cars. But some sad Americans who lust for communal responsibility think East Germany was the glamorous one.  So let them live out their neo-Ostalgie on their own.  Those who think Walmart holds a monopoly but are fine with government-run insurance inflict their dreary dreams on those who just want fresh produce.

The divide between people who think life has been swell this decade and those paying attention is so vast that separate nations may seem like the only solution.  Those who reflect upon the insurmountable chasm between the thought that government can achieve everything and knowing it can do nothing may conclude differences are irreconcilable.

Dividing our stuff would be the only solution.  But the thing is we already sort-of have that.  By trying things what communal planners have wanted for eight years, we know New Obamastan would be begging for a bailout from their thriving neighbor.  It’d be our fault for drawing away all their business.

This trial separation didn’t let us escape.  We’ve had to cope with the ruling policies of those who are so dumb that they had no choice but to attend Ivy League schools.  After trying the liberal version nationally, it turns out practitioners are too proud to admit they’re atrocious at everything. Unless the Cheney idol is cursed, everything putrid can be sourced back to the president’s mushy concepts.  His steely determination to avoid strategies that work and also share the side benefit of being legal may not offer the best proof that the alternate dimension America is a reality worth pursuing further.

Some mischievous state governments are sabotaging the feds by not being as lousy.  Those voting via U-Haul are grateful for the chance.  We already know what’d happen if we split the country, namely how everyone would take off for Texas.  I’d rather deal with snow than rattlesnakes, but it’s my understanding they sell you a revolver to dispatch the latter.  Blue States would suddenly be into building walls.

What right-wing blog told you about the option to move?  That dang federalism should be illegal.  It’s time for an executive order.  For now, irked Americans can escape some of the hassle by moving to a jurisdiction that’s inconsistent with present national bullying mandates.  The divided nation is already happening in states, as seen by the representative transfer. Unlike the economy, the number of congressmen is an actual zero-sum game.  Also, there are definite losers.  The Lone Star State is the only thing helping Barack Obama, as there’d be approximately zero new jobs without the cowboy mentality.  He’s not the sort to credit someone else just because they were productive.

Meanwhile, there’s all the room you want in Blue States.  You can get a suspiciously affordable home in states which tax what they can out of whatever money’s left after the IRS is done sifting.  Moving to an area that has jobs because the laid-back governor doesn’t add a redundant layer of supervision is silly: who wants to be jammed into a place where you have to go to some job?  The United Provinces of Caring will have plenty of leisure time and paid leave.  As for who’ll be left to fund it, there are no worries: all that government spending really spurs the economy.  That’s why the nation is presently so prosperous.

While it’s understandable that falling short makes people cranky, these guys are really jerks.  Our president is quite nasty in failure, as lashing out at us for not being good enough to implement his great ideas is an unpleasantly apt coping style.  The refusal to ponder evidence is one way of sticking to ideals. The Bizarro model means ruining the economy to help the poor while murdering babies for women’s health.  They should get better value for souls, which is yet another consequence of being unskilled at commerce.

The country’s not going to literally be divided no matter how divisive things get.  It sounds like a lot of work, and torpor is our new national condition.  And even those who ruined everything aren’t foolish enough to start a civil war against the armed side.  I would look forward to New York Times editors knocking on cabin doors and demanding occupants relinquish firearms. But it’d be much easier if they admit they’ve been provably wrong about every damn last thing and let adults take charge.  Of course, those who aren’t too fond of this nation are free to relocate.  We’ll miss them, but they have to leave first.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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