Invisible Handed

Nobody’s benefited more from conservatism than liberals.  Bitching about the patent unfairness of oppressive Yankee capitalism is only possible thanks to same capitalism.  Whiners aren’t big on recognizing irony or their own hypocrisy, which makes it just like their beliefs.

Ingrates never appreciate what enables cushy lives.  Lack of real trauma causes inventions from those who need an opponent to feel whole.  The twisted responses to nothing cause actual problems about which to complain.  Contempt for businessmen results from liberals thinking useful people cause problems.

This entire nation is based on being not bothered.  That means obeying the nation’s regulations is inconvenient to those who think good power means getting up in your business.  It’s not to be partisan, but accuracy often hurts feelings.  Our system of government is designed to not have a lot of it.  An unencumbered life sadly leaves time for the inherently miserable to pretend they have problems.  We could use a few more coal mines to keep pouters busy.

Invented problems lead to actual challenges.  The only solution is to screw things up more.  We’re sure not going back to trusting Americans to address it themselves.  Politicians fix everything instead.  In that vein, it’s unsurprising this interminably insufferable presidential campaign features candidates who blatantly disregard the law, which seems like it should be disqualifying.  But our dumb restrictions on powers keep progressives from installing their euphoric schemes all at once.  Thanks to increments, you won’t even notice how many decisions have been confiscated.

The heinous initiatives of the bitchy are the only real things about which to bitch.  Our economic system is so strong that it allows people to whine about nothing.  The starting wage for jobs that generate little value isn’t enough to support a family. Therefore, raise the rate so there are even fewer of them.  Less menial work leads to happiness.

Our country can get away with a few dumb deviations.  Sure, wasting earnings on federally-planned silliness is nearly as appalling as the notion that a political science major who got 52 percent of votes knows how to spend it best.  But a little self-righteousness as policy is sustainable even if it’s unwise.  The problem lies in thinking it works.  Indulge in too many mandated schemes for a reminder of what it was like to engage in commerce unencumbered by the interdictions of people who neither made your money nor the product you wish to buy.

Everyone who enjoys not being stabbed while protecting wallets benefits from the threat of shooting bad guys.  Guns are value-neutral until they’re in human hands, so we better make sure the righteous have plenty of them. We could try to melt all the shootie machines into roller coasters, but wicked industrialists would build more.  They’re rotten in that way and don’t care that you’ll only have a butter knife for protection.

But firearms can hurt more than your feelings.  Sure, it takes a person to operate one, and innocent people tend to be hunted in places where they’re not allowed to shoot back at predators.  Still, we best freak out whenever a psychopath is lucid enough to note which locales sport “gun-free zone” signs.  There’s a reason we hear about it every time a human uses an implement to shoot those without them.

Enemies of objects think the news is the equivalent of the everyday.  In truth, the exception proves it’s not a rule.  Meanwhile, every effort to completely eliminate gun violence exacerbates it. Trying to control people by restricting items is just like poverty and health insurance, only with more immediate casualties.

One sure sign a system functions is how many complaints there are about it.  Yes, people can take issue with genuine crises.  But relatively stress-free life gives people time to find things about which to gripe.  No American’s going to starve or go without a roof, and the knowledge that basic needs are covered leads to pretending advanced wants are obligations.

As a result of no material needs, some unfortunate people who need to spar conjure faux outrage.  They end up counting complexions of trophy winners and calling internet access a right.  Previous generations worked their tails off and respected those who did the same.  Their descendants can thank free markets but of course won’t. The chance to invent offenses is more fun than gratitude.

Liberty engineered the chance to say it’s bad for people.  Human crabs use their own deviations to justify abandoning the straight and narrow. Some people can’t be happy without sad things.  Make up the blues if there isn’t enough material for a song.  I’m certain it’ll feel authentic.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


News Fed

Leave me alone.  Okay, we can hang out for a bit.  Just please text instead of using excessively intimate speaking.  Modern life’s lack of shared experience is personally fun considering how many people I wish to avoid.  We should feel glad to be fractured instead of being stuck in excessively broad groups.  Budweiser and Miller were the only options for your poor parents, and there’s no reason to feel nostalgic about the days when choices resembled light switches.

Still, people need to monitor their feeds if their main source of guidance is themselves.  The cyber-future world we presently inhabit lets us access all information right this second.  But some sadly use technology advanced enough to provoke madness in a World War I veteran to believe lies instantaneously as soon as they’re retweeted by a doltish techno-pal. Being misinformed much more quickly is the unfortunate byproduct of glowing pocket screens.  At least Twitter may keep ruining everything soon so we have an excuse to go outside.

Everyone now knows how easy journalism is, and that’s only one benefit of being your own editor.  Anchors who used to dictate terms now beg for you to not choose one million other channels or this new interconnected computer modem doohickey.  I think the computational information system will catch on just as strongly as virtual pets.

The right feed is crucial to getting nutrients.  A perfectly customizable news feed is unhelpful if you follow the same liberal claptrap three networks and your lousy hometown paper were feeding you in the Atari era.  The only advantage to getting updates from Think Progress instead of Dan Rather is that it’s more obvious they’re partisan ass-kissers.  It’s no big deal: there was just a revolution in how humans can obtain information.  With wisdom literally in your hand, maybe don’t choose to patronize those who think the economy is thriving because people are too depressed to bother with job searches anymore.

There’s too much to learn.  Yeah, let’s use that as an excuse.  Everyone has free health care, you know, as I saw it in a meme.  Sad folks still believe Mitt Romney didn’t pay much in taxes and that Warren Buffett’s secretary really gets a raw deal.  Also, humans are thriving thanks to government buying them things with thoroughly free money.  Fast machines can’t teach logic.

One of the downsides to the lack of face-to-face contact is not seeing how many of those faces look like they need a drink.  It’s so easy to find the actual unemployment rate.  In fact, you can learn it by clicking this sentence. But some trust the clearly impartial White House for accuracy.  Why would someone who works for the president offer a dishonest take? We’d better trust authority.  Have at least one close friend in the room with you who’s willing to yell when you’re being suckered.

Thinking central planners are actually helping is remarkably dim at any point on civilization’s timeline.  But the notion of ceding autonomy to smug dolts is especially galling in an era where everyone has an index card-sized supercomputer which can access ample examples of why it’s untrue. Check the case to see which government agency built same magic phone.

The first thing you should learn on the internet is that humans are stupid liars.  I’m sorry to be more misanthropic than usual.  I’ll be slightly more charitable and qualify the assessment by noting we have the capacity to be deceitful about information.  Some of our fellow humans are simply delusional, which is why it’s crucial to remember why something they guarantee may not occur in reality.  A presidency which is supposed to stop shootings in America and nukes in Iran has a few more months to make you as rich as promised.  According to their math, they have about a decade left.

Modern people need to get more cynical.  Don’t you want to look upon ingenuous geezers with disdain?  It’s the duty of those gathering their own news to assemble information kits properly.  Without guidance, cordless humans must refuse to believe that unemployment is shrinking as quickly as the deficit. The good news is how easy it is to find the real story.  But it’s easier to settle for the first fake one.  Snapchat kids are so used to instantaneous that the four seconds it would take to fact-check seems like a waste of precious moments.

Why learn the truth at light speed?  The modern man is a few clicks away from unearthing the disturbing fact that not everyone has insurance now, not to mention that many of those who do wish illness upon whoever inflicted this mandatory junk on once-free people.  But dolts from high school conveniently offer wholly unbiased takes on social media in between Fitbit updates.

You could choose new pals.  But subversive clubs are frowned upon as the government strives to replace private associations with forced groupings.  Philanthropy relies on the goodness of individuals, and divine liberals think others are too awful to volunteer.  They want us fragmented in order to make us more dependent.  The oversharing era is marked by isolation.  Tell the world what you ordered for dinner instead of a person in the room with you.  There’s no time for conversation when Planned Parenthood has nonsensical Facebook posts to share.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Fall Harder

Your druggie friend can’t seem to find the 10-dollar bill he decided to guard for you.  But he’ll work to track down the thief until the meth wears off.  Another tweaking session will help if you happen to have any more cash in the meantime.  At least he can use drugs as a reason, if not justification.  By contrast, the government is supposed to remain sober.  Yet their only output is lame excuses.

Elected bosses never get enough power.  Their harebrained lunacy was never tried with sufficient vigor, so it’s actually your fault that spreading wealth didn’t cause it to peak. Drinking half a glass of lava wasn’t refreshing, as you must finish a full serving to quench thirst.  The incompetent need more power to fix what they busted.

Guns control humans.  At least that’s what those who apparently skipped junior high and therefore think our species is comprised of angels would have you believe about the demonic bullet shooters.  Harassing anyone who obeys laws is a communal exercise.

Sure, crime is awful in areas where laws attempt to control devices instead of bad people. But hand cannons just flood in from adjacent areas, see?  Every jurisdiction has to pretend gun shows are where gangs stockpile their armories if we want peaceful streets.

Only fools aren’t scared when there are demons possessing metal.  The nefarious triggered monsters walk in on their own before murdering without provocation.  The question of why crime isn’t awful in the areas from which pistols flow remains unanswered. But those scared of guns as if the barrels are haunted think we’re another background check away from the same reduction in crime that’s already happened.  Acknowledging the tendency to keep hands to oneself accompanied right-to-carry would be an admission that bad people learn they may get holes inside them as punishment for taking what’s not theirs.

The economy won’t be fixed as long as pockets are heavy.  More spending is the solution to the problem of people having no money, according to those who’d have turned our finances if not for stupid humans and their fee will.  See, cash circles only if it’s being spent, which is why greedy hoarders who treat it like their property must be punished with confiscation.

There’s just never sufficient currency taken from our financial ecosystem, which is why we should’ve skipped liberalism and gone for leftism in the first place.  The failure of cooperation through envy is supposed to prompt the realization that New Venezuela was the way to go the whole time.  You’d think that half-assed socialism would create some positive effects if it’s so fantastic.  But it turns out you have to commit to it.  When government’s your religion, it takes faith to work.  Pray for miracles.

Could you just keep your check and spend it yourself?  It seems like you’d respect the money you earned and buy things you’d like, which would let retailers know what they should peddle.  If everyone did the same, it’s as if the economy would thrive.  But the lack of planning makes innate autocrats nervous.  More debt will push us over the hump.

The world’s only burning because Republican presidents dropped napalm, you see.  It takes at least 16 years to fix the meanness of fighting back, so we’re only halfway to reversing the sinister Rumsfeld domination scheme.  Vote for the woman who brought peace by sharing secrets or it’s your fault if all this peace disappears.

America was a meanie beforehand.  Therefore, it’s just going to take more bribes and lipstick to make foreign powers respect us.  Iran needs a bigger trust fund if they’re going to become responsible adults. Deprivation of currency make the mullahs hate who we are.  Why did we start the fight?  It’s little wonder we’re known as the Great Satan.

Dangling another wheel over the canyon edge will focus us enough to balance. You couldn’t do any better, claim those who are doing the worst.  The standard and tired charge that the other side would ruin lives even more thoroughly is designed to distract from how the only way more people could be free from debt is getting nuked.  Help us break even, Persia.

At this point, the White House staff doesn’t even display the superficial trappings of snotty credentialed intelligence.  Despite the condescension from such failures, it’s easy to see how to improve.  If nothing else, the public knows failure to breathe underwater isn’t caused by being in the shallow end.  More vigorous failed policies will bring success.  A double negative equals a positive.  It makes sense if you’re trying to lie yourself into continued employment.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

No Money Known

Money’s fun.  You get to buy items which you may enjoy using or eating.  And you can even get people to do stuff for you, whether it be dancing or whatnot.  There’s no catch to having it, so print a lot.  If that makes it less valuable, then just print even more.  Do you even want to be rich?

But nothing is that easy.  Anyone who says otherwise is checking which pocket contains your wallet.  Go ahead and believe that being handed cash would solve your problems, as cash is not going to reciprocate. Even a hug won’t convince it.  The nature of money is to be indifferent to its use. Humans capable of recognizing value know nothing is more expensive than getting something for free.  Currency is compensation for either work or the byproducts of it.  Attempting to skip a step is like trying to get rich quick, which is bound to work this one time.

If handing out money made people prosperous, teenagers would move into bigger houses than their parents.  Instead, unearned bills may as well be burned by these dang delinquents.  There’s value for both parties in commercial deals that doesn’t accompany an allowance from the social services lady.  Treating it as a magic potion is a certain way to be disappointed with our ordinary universe. Leftists are scared of commerce in the same way they fear firearms contain evil spirits, which is why you should patronize gun shows every chance you get to doubly upset them.

Life is infinitely more dynamic than the portrait painted by progressives. Their art’s fundamental flaw is a lack of perspective.  Time spent lamenting poverty could be used earning promotions, although that’s less fun than kvetching.  Lump sums don’t cure poverty, as the elixir is only effective when consumed over time.  The cure is sickening if consumed in quantity.

You’ll never believe what happens when you pay people to not work as long as you’re new to Earth.  Welfare is an incentive to get more welfare. Sure, we could put a cap on how long one could receive handouts.  But that’s only if we want the unfortunate to expire.  What a cruel Republican you are, to be redundant.  Besides, have you tried finding a job recently?  Nobody’s hiring despite all the government assistance.  It’s the uncanniest thing.  The lesson is that there’s no way to get ahead, and the only remedy is obviously more entitlements.
Nice people pay for redistributive dreams in order to avoid jail time. The vampire bleeding his meal ticket thinks Washington is too predatory.  Politicians compensate for their greed by being shortsighted.  The government hands out food without realizing why people are hungry in the first place.  That empty stomach feeling is going to return.  Enabling people to buy their own sounds like it’ll cause mass starvation, and I oppose that.  We better not dare presume that there’s both more money to be made and groceries to be purchased with it.

Promotions are elusive when the goal is to not be in the office at all.  Those who break even at best wonder why billionaires keep working without realizing same determination is how the rich got that way.  A job should be about more than a salary, no matter how much it sounds like a trite motivational poster caption.  Those greedy tyrants find others who will still compensate them for expertise.  It’s possible to get sweetheart deals by trading favor with other poser barons, but it’s statistically unlikely you are married to or were born a Clinton.

The ironically selfish think only of compensation and not the impossible variety of products that, say, Jeff Bezos lets them have at a click. Amassing a fortune by providing something decent isn’t a notion that comes to mind for those who hope to skip steps Underpants Gnomes-style. Why retire when someone else will fill the vacuum to rake in bucks?

Real riches result from others paying you for being good at something.  Ceasing to do what got you out of Bum Alley any longer means whoever buys your offering will either have to go without or turn elsewhere.  And every dollar those bastard CEOs waste on extravagant junk helps manufacturers and peddlers of same junk.  Or you could demonstrate contempt for your fellow man by not doing something well enough to prompt exchange.

Don’t have money?  Take some.  The problem is solved.  Wait: we need to take it from somewhere first, so let’s hit up those who have some. Remember that money is randomly assigned through fate if you ever feel compunction about sifting through the purses and billfolds of those with executive washroom keys.  You’ll never get there, assure paragons of hope who see life as static.  That’s why it never changes while they’re in charge.  Rotten luck is the only thing that keeps everyone from prospering.

Those who think they’re a tax hike on the rich away from moving in next door would remain in poverty even if they had currency.  The lottery mentality concludes that the goal is to somehow get a lump sum and subtract from it just enough to last until death. Alternately, go to work every day.  But striving for promotions is discouraged by politicians who redefine compassion in the same way they did “stimulus.”

Lack of money results from a lack of earning. That valuable lesson is worth more than a sack full of cash, as it’ll last longer.  But you may have enough to buy a flatscreen now. High definition is worth a sold soul.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Get the Message

Public relations is far easier when you’re successful, which is why this White House’s drones are such pricks.  Nobody buys what’s for sale. The executive’s army of failures should respect those who fund their salaries.  They’re too high even if these anti-progress progressives are compensated with paper clips.  Gratitude is not natural to those reshaping humanity like piles of clay as learned during Ivy League art electives.  Please don’t ask what they learned in classes for their majors.

Just listen.  You’ll hear why people who think they’re serving the public explain why they know so much more than you.  Instead of acquiring a boring skill like accounting or car repair, they figured how to tell everyone else to do, which is of course government’s purpose. They’ve taken it upon themselves to treat America like a giant recitation.  The grad assistants aren’t making anyone smarter.

As a result of thinking they’re geniuses who just need air time, liberals prefer to tell you what you don’t understand.  For example, they love explaining how criminals will stop shooting people if there are too many laws to break.  They really think you’re dumb.  These semi-professional are going to tell you repeatedly and evermore patronizingly through the eighth year, as you’re obviously not bright enough to listen.  It can’t be that they don’t know what the hell they’re doing or how human life works, as that’d make this a failed presidency. The communal Obama era has taught us that his shortcomings belong to us all.

Aside from the million other examples, you can can tell this president has never worked in the private sector by how bad he is at selling products.  Sure, he successfully marketed the only product he likes, namely himself.  But sucker voters wish they had read the warranty. His career consists of trying to sell us Trabants no matter how many times we’ve stated our desire to buy a post-Iron Curtain vehicle.  West Germans tried to sneak into the humanitarian part with central planning, right?

He’s not going to let us walk out of the showroom without buying a health plan, so listen once more why our insurance is so amazing that we’d buy it without force.  Of course, the mandate is still in effect. But that’s merely a formality, as nobody would turn down the lifesaving coverage offered by the same entity that feels you up as punishment for wanting to board a plane.

Likewise, you need to be lectured once more how controlling guns makes streets safer than stopping bad people.  For precedent, heeding his warnings is why the economy is chugging along.  We’re not supposed to notice it’s off a cliff.  Simply enjoy the swift movement.

You’re technically under arrest while pulled over, so take heed how the police are the ones who cause strife.  Sure, you’ve been led to believe by right-wing nuts that cops allowed to act like cops made a festering garbage hole like New York City livable.  But the de Blasios of the world maintain it was those stopping crime that caused unpleasantness all along in a shocking twist you’ll soon see on whatever Law & Order is still on the air. We better stop the arresters from being so mean.  The worst part of legally forgiving scumbags is how we know punishing quality-of-life crimes makes the city safer.  It wasn’t that long ago being tough on crime worked.  Being cursed with faulty memories is the best-case scenario for Giuliani-haters.

Hear out Gotham’s badge-loathers once more.  Yes, this city was salvaged by not letting hoodlums govern from the shadows.  But the arrests were hurting the feelings of those who feel oppressed by having to acknowledge laws.  Therefore, it’s time to back off for peace.  The sensation of fear is making you irrational, so listen to your brain blame rich people for you being poor.  What else can oppressed felons do than steal: work?  In this economy?

Your minders can help you eat, find shelter, and acquire other goods.  All they ask in return is for a few contributions.  Actually, it’s a demand for a lot, but they’re not big into accuracy.  Throwing cash from skyscrapers is sure to create order at the canyon bottom.  Those who earned it will surely fund future confetti drops.

Progressives love creating inequality so they have something to fight.  They surely can’t think damning success creates more of it no matter how many times they repeat the foolish mantra.  Perhaps the populace hasn’t heard that those reversing progress have swell ideas. It’s tough to focus on why earning power should have no connection to prosperity when it’s so hard to pay rent.

Happiness results from doing what politicians order.  Your stubbornness explains your moping.  The belief that utopia is one speech by a haughty statist away corresponds with thinking humans are to be molded by kind leaders.  Let the ad jingles do their work. Corporations offering automobiles or sodie pop are rotten for trying to get us to buy.  It’s morally superior to force purchases.

The barrage of speeches are quite dull in their offensiveness.  All credit goes to the talkers’ opinion of you.  They’re not impressed.  Present leaders see those who elected them as such dolts that they must continually repeat instructions. It sickly conforms to their caricature of humans as helpless eaters who couldn’t plan to button their jackets, much less invest earnings.  That Post-it with the oven temperature for the roast is stuck here somewhere.

The scheme to alter the world through what Valerie Jarrett sees as airtight arguments is as effective as the policies.  The problem is people understand all too well what pain feels like and how much is presently being felt.  The ibuprofen industry is one of the few that’s thriving. Liberals are as good at communicating as anything else.  Expect to hear that endorsement in the next Oval Office speech.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Know What’s Valued

Barack Obama is one of you, as long as you’re from a commie continent on some Star Trek planet.  As a visitor who’s brought odd ideals from his home world, he respects rugged American ingenuity except for all the parts of it.  He just has contempt for our way of life, that’s all.  Maybe trying everything you like in reverse will convince you humans he’s one of the gang.

The disrespect for everything that’s worked can’t go any better.  Statist condescension is why Americans must work together by law, even with people you hate.  The point of free association is to avoid as many jerks as you can.  But now, you must put up with the most unpleasant salesmen by law.  I recommend paying the fine. The Bizarro Citizens have no idea of how much pain they’ve already inflicted.

Present understanding of evil’s nature leads to blaming implements.  Sure, objects might seem indifferent when they’re not being handled by creatures equipped with free will.  But all those history books Stephen King wrote teach us otherwise.  Every gun-slamming scheme they release revolves around the notion that men are angels until Satan and Wesson’s devices touch their hands.  Lack of free will is crucial to making liberalism palatable.

The reactionary idea that free men could shoot bad guys or just stuff in the woods must be banished.  Normal folks need to be hassled. Meanwhile, those who act villainously have been forced by a mean society into wickedness.  Wickedness is the former group’s fault, of course.  Don’t bother tracking which faction will commit assaults in response to feeling offended.  That dang bloodthirsty NRA keeps telling its members their brains control the triggers and not the other way around.

Telling others to respect other others is so insulting.  America is just another racist empire which uses the wrong pronouns for transgendered people, according to those who think cultures without concepts of private property are the purest.

As a quasi-colonial bully, our imperialist country is nothing more than an attempt to turn Earth into a Starkiller Base that can fire on itself.  The notion that people with rules advising places without them is offensive, as we can’t judge other cultures just because they’re horrid.

Some manifest destiny fans still insist we have the only empire which spreads power in order to leave people alone.  Our own government is properly constructed to be powerful enough to not bother citizens, which is a feat of greatness and goodness.  Disdain for spreading concepts like being left alone makes sense if our liberty-dedicated nation is the bad guy. Well, we did once have slavery and didn’t change the definition of marriage until last summer, so perhaps we do suck.

Wretched people are the happiest with the way things are going.  Despising the country that defeated communism via glaring and brought the world most of its soda pop choices seems baffling.  But that’s only because you’re hateful enough to respect free enterprise.  The sophisticated view portrays America as the Evil Empire, only with more obesity.  Feel shame that we have so much energy to consume and so much downtime.  We could stand to buy a border-sized Fitbit.

Our managerial president installed this thing backward, which explains why our money’s dwindling as quickly as our self-respect.  Those who somehow obtained power curiously think government makes America work. But the whole point is to have the government get out of the way of making America work.  We already know which side is right, and check the labor force participation rate if you have any doubts. The president watches his taxpayer-funded Sunday Ticket and just knows he could have a higher passer rating than Aaron Rodgers.

The only thing that makes knowing what’s better for others worse is knowing nothing.  To wit, the highly-educated cretins running your lives are going to make everything better by taking away everything that functioned smoothly.  How else would you improve things than by smashing them first?

Everything is novel these days.  These are the rare revolutionaries who are scared of guns.  These particular wine cask-smashers want to exchange liberty for cheap mortgages and expensive insurance.  Both are costly.  It takes years of studying economics to determine losing autonomy is worth stagnation.  But at least everyone’s angry and sad.

We’ll have to give up all we hold dear to retain this despondency.  The new and unimproved America requires either a distorted reading of our Constitution, which I’d like to remind everyone we have, or willful flipping off of the refs.  It’d be nice if liberals would have the nerve to be more upfront about their intentions.  There’s no way to get results this poor without deviousness.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

Their Crime, Our Sentence

Nothing defines liberals like punishing us for their failures. Now that’s communal.  It serves us right for election outcomes where losers win.  But it’s still a stretch to define individual responsibility in that way.  The real blame belongs to those out to compensate by doubling down on their wretched policies. If you don’t make money at roulette, take whatever’s left to the slots.  Worst of all, statist bullies are playing with your bankroll.  Well, don’t you want to help the poor?  There’s no better way to appreciate the downtrodden’s plight than being forced to become them, which is another benefit of being taxed into brokenness.

Those who can’t protect you from others must protect you from yourself. The best way to feel safe is being defenseless, as that’s when your senses are most heightened.  You’re going to need that adrenaline-surged fear with the number of threats lurking in the shadows on your walk home.  Shining floodlights could be construed as Islamophobic, so you’ll have to hope your good intentions will convince terrorists to turn their hearts.

Only a sick man responds to not stopping terror by trying to take guns from non-terrorists. But we have just the putz for it.  Seeing flat tax fans as evil and genocidal maniacs as misunderstood helps justify the sick disarmament scheme.  It’s also easy to have deluded goals when one presumes the implements necessarily cause mayhem.  We face bloody ends here on the battlefield of World War III because those in charge won’t take charge.  Only squares think evil exists, that it targets the innocent, that America is decent and worth defending, and achieving that comes by forcing jerks rot in cells or Hell.

You’ll need to cope with full government control of health care because you didn’t make de facto control work.  Yes, you may feel sick, but you can see how this is your fault.  Sure, people who focus on political science and not pre-med for a reason poisoned the system to begin with, but it was with your well-being in mind, so be sure to thank them.  You’ll have plenty of time to compose laudatory tweets in crammed waiting rooms which they promised would be empty.  The solution to sinking naturally involves bailing out the craft they flooded.

Shrewd political observers blame insurance companies for sinisterly daring to profit.  It’s much better for the government to lose money, as that’s honest.  Handing toxic waste to private concerns and then complaining how they dispose of it is also how big government’s backers brought us the subprime mortgage meltdown, so at least they’re steady.  The economy didn’t rebound from selling houses to those who couldn’t afford them only because there weren’t enough sales.

You can’t make money unless you spend money.  Yes, you. Fork it over before you get audited. The earning will come later, as politicians have to invest for your future.  Eat promises if you’re hungry.  Please stop being selfish enough to wonder where the money comes from, as it’s the government, which means it’s free.  Everything belongs to them, anyway.  I don’t see your name on money, selfish Reaganite.  This swing aims for even more massive debt because the last at-bat didn’t lead to profits.  We couldn’t just stop drinking lava, as what else would keep us warm?

There’s more suffering on the way to prosperity.  Feel assured we’re moving despite the seemingly problematic absence of wheels.  Road building as redistribution’s goal didn’t make the economy purr, which means we need to try those harder.  It’s the only logical choice; what other way could there be to get rich?  Steering liberals checked their directions, so that can’t be the problem.  The only possibility is that corporate titans were permitted to retain too much byproduct of decadence. Government’s failures prove the free market doesn’t work, you see.

You won’t appreciate the heights until we reach rock bottom.  I promise we’ll springboard from the depths through the prettiest clouds. Sure, it seems like compensation for pompous progressives’ initial screw-ups drags us even deeper into the cesspool.  But they just want us to grow accustomed to agony so salvation seems even more glorious by comparison.

The especially uplifting response to the effects of their dreamy takes will aid us as long as they’re right about everything.  They assure us we’ll be saved as long as we’re willing to be dragged down with them.  The force means you’re free of choice, and that’s just liberating.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at