Their Crime, Our Sentence

Nothing defines liberals like punishing us for their failures. Now that’s communal.  It serves us right for election outcomes where losers win.  But it’s still a stretch to define individual responsibility in that way.  The real blame belongs to those out to compensate by doubling down on their wretched policies. If you don’t make money at roulette, take whatever’s left to the slots.  Worst of all, statist bullies are playing with your bankroll.  Well, don’t you want to help the poor?  There’s no better way to appreciate the downtrodden’s plight than being forced to become them, which is another benefit of being taxed into brokenness.

Those who can’t protect you from others must protect you from yourself. The best way to feel safe is being defenseless, as that’s when your senses are most heightened.  You’re going to need that adrenaline-surged fear with the number of threats lurking in the shadows on your walk home.  Shining floodlights could be construed as Islamophobic, so you’ll have to hope your good intentions will convince terrorists to turn their hearts.

Only a sick man responds to not stopping terror by trying to take guns from non-terrorists. But we have just the putz for it.  Seeing flat tax fans as evil and genocidal maniacs as misunderstood helps justify the sick disarmament scheme.  It’s also easy to have deluded goals when one presumes the implements necessarily cause mayhem.  We face bloody ends here on the battlefield of World War III because those in charge won’t take charge.  Only squares think evil exists, that it targets the innocent, that America is decent and worth defending, and achieving that comes by forcing jerks rot in cells or Hell.

You’ll need to cope with full government control of health care because you didn’t make de facto control work.  Yes, you may feel sick, but you can see how this is your fault.  Sure, people who focus on political science and not pre-med for a reason poisoned the system to begin with, but it was with your well-being in mind, so be sure to thank them.  You’ll have plenty of time to compose laudatory tweets in crammed waiting rooms which they promised would be empty.  The solution to sinking naturally involves bailing out the craft they flooded.

Shrewd political observers blame insurance companies for sinisterly daring to profit.  It’s much better for the government to lose money, as that’s honest.  Handing toxic waste to private concerns and then complaining how they dispose of it is also how big government’s backers brought us the subprime mortgage meltdown, so at least they’re steady.  The economy didn’t rebound from selling houses to those who couldn’t afford them only because there weren’t enough sales.

You can’t make money unless you spend money.  Yes, you. Fork it over before you get audited. The earning will come later, as politicians have to invest for your future.  Eat promises if you’re hungry.  Please stop being selfish enough to wonder where the money comes from, as it’s the government, which means it’s free.  Everything belongs to them, anyway.  I don’t see your name on money, selfish Reaganite.  This swing aims for even more massive debt because the last at-bat didn’t lead to profits.  We couldn’t just stop drinking lava, as what else would keep us warm?

There’s more suffering on the way to prosperity.  Feel assured we’re moving despite the seemingly problematic absence of wheels.  Road building as redistribution’s goal didn’t make the economy purr, which means we need to try those harder.  It’s the only logical choice; what other way could there be to get rich?  Steering liberals checked their directions, so that can’t be the problem.  The only possibility is that corporate titans were permitted to retain too much byproduct of decadence. Government’s failures prove the free market doesn’t work, you see.

You won’t appreciate the heights until we reach rock bottom.  I promise we’ll springboard from the depths through the prettiest clouds. Sure, it seems like compensation for pompous progressives’ initial screw-ups drags us even deeper into the cesspool.  But they just want us to grow accustomed to agony so salvation seems even more glorious by comparison.

The especially uplifting response to the effects of their dreamy takes will aid us as long as they’re right about everything.  They assure us we’ll be saved as long as we’re willing to be dragged down with them.  The force means you’re free of choice, and that’s just liberating.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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