Get the Message

Public relations is far easier when you’re successful, which is why this White House’s drones are such pricks.  Nobody buys what’s for sale. The executive’s army of failures should respect those who fund their salaries.  They’re too high even if these anti-progress progressives are compensated with paper clips.  Gratitude is not natural to those reshaping humanity like piles of clay as learned during Ivy League art electives.  Please don’t ask what they learned in classes for their majors.

Just listen.  You’ll hear why people who think they’re serving the public explain why they know so much more than you.  Instead of acquiring a boring skill like accounting or car repair, they figured how to tell everyone else to do, which is of course government’s purpose. They’ve taken it upon themselves to treat America like a giant recitation.  The grad assistants aren’t making anyone smarter.

As a result of thinking they’re geniuses who just need air time, liberals prefer to tell you what you don’t understand.  For example, they love explaining how criminals will stop shooting people if there are too many laws to break.  They really think you’re dumb.  These semi-professional are going to tell you repeatedly and evermore patronizingly through the eighth year, as you’re obviously not bright enough to listen.  It can’t be that they don’t know what the hell they’re doing or how human life works, as that’d make this a failed presidency. The communal Obama era has taught us that his shortcomings belong to us all.

Aside from the million other examples, you can can tell this president has never worked in the private sector by how bad he is at selling products.  Sure, he successfully marketed the only product he likes, namely himself.  But sucker voters wish they had read the warranty. His career consists of trying to sell us Trabants no matter how many times we’ve stated our desire to buy a post-Iron Curtain vehicle.  West Germans tried to sneak into the humanitarian part with central planning, right?

He’s not going to let us walk out of the showroom without buying a health plan, so listen once more why our insurance is so amazing that we’d buy it without force.  Of course, the mandate is still in effect. But that’s merely a formality, as nobody would turn down the lifesaving coverage offered by the same entity that feels you up as punishment for wanting to board a plane.

Likewise, you need to be lectured once more how controlling guns makes streets safer than stopping bad people.  For precedent, heeding his warnings is why the economy is chugging along.  We’re not supposed to notice it’s off a cliff.  Simply enjoy the swift movement.

You’re technically under arrest while pulled over, so take heed how the police are the ones who cause strife.  Sure, you’ve been led to believe by right-wing nuts that cops allowed to act like cops made a festering garbage hole like New York City livable.  But the de Blasios of the world maintain it was those stopping crime that caused unpleasantness all along in a shocking twist you’ll soon see on whatever Law & Order is still on the air. We better stop the arresters from being so mean.  The worst part of legally forgiving scumbags is how we know punishing quality-of-life crimes makes the city safer.  It wasn’t that long ago being tough on crime worked.  Being cursed with faulty memories is the best-case scenario for Giuliani-haters.

Hear out Gotham’s badge-loathers once more.  Yes, this city was salvaged by not letting hoodlums govern from the shadows.  But the arrests were hurting the feelings of those who feel oppressed by having to acknowledge laws.  Therefore, it’s time to back off for peace.  The sensation of fear is making you irrational, so listen to your brain blame rich people for you being poor.  What else can oppressed felons do than steal: work?  In this economy?

Your minders can help you eat, find shelter, and acquire other goods.  All they ask in return is for a few contributions.  Actually, it’s a demand for a lot, but they’re not big into accuracy.  Throwing cash from skyscrapers is sure to create order at the canyon bottom.  Those who earned it will surely fund future confetti drops.

Progressives love creating inequality so they have something to fight.  They surely can’t think damning success creates more of it no matter how many times they repeat the foolish mantra.  Perhaps the populace hasn’t heard that those reversing progress have swell ideas. It’s tough to focus on why earning power should have no connection to prosperity when it’s so hard to pay rent.

Happiness results from doing what politicians order.  Your stubbornness explains your moping.  The belief that utopia is one speech by a haughty statist away corresponds with thinking humans are to be molded by kind leaders.  Let the ad jingles do their work. Corporations offering automobiles or sodie pop are rotten for trying to get us to buy.  It’s morally superior to force purchases.

The barrage of speeches are quite dull in their offensiveness.  All credit goes to the talkers’ opinion of you.  They’re not impressed.  Present leaders see those who elected them as such dolts that they must continually repeat instructions. It sickly conforms to their caricature of humans as helpless eaters who couldn’t plan to button their jackets, much less invest earnings.  That Post-it with the oven temperature for the roast is stuck here somewhere.

The scheme to alter the world through what Valerie Jarrett sees as airtight arguments is as effective as the policies.  The problem is people understand all too well what pain feels like and how much is presently being felt.  The ibuprofen industry is one of the few that’s thriving. Liberals are as good at communicating as anything else.  Expect to hear that endorsement in the next Oval Office speech.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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