No Money Known

Money’s fun.  You get to buy items which you may enjoy using or eating.  And you can even get people to do stuff for you, whether it be dancing or whatnot.  There’s no catch to having it, so print a lot.  If that makes it less valuable, then just print even more.  Do you even want to be rich?

But nothing is that easy.  Anyone who says otherwise is checking which pocket contains your wallet.  Go ahead and believe that being handed cash would solve your problems, as cash is not going to reciprocate. Even a hug won’t convince it.  The nature of money is to be indifferent to its use. Humans capable of recognizing value know nothing is more expensive than getting something for free.  Currency is compensation for either work or the byproducts of it.  Attempting to skip a step is like trying to get rich quick, which is bound to work this one time.

If handing out money made people prosperous, teenagers would move into bigger houses than their parents.  Instead, unearned bills may as well be burned by these dang delinquents.  There’s value for both parties in commercial deals that doesn’t accompany an allowance from the social services lady.  Treating it as a magic potion is a certain way to be disappointed with our ordinary universe. Leftists are scared of commerce in the same way they fear firearms contain evil spirits, which is why you should patronize gun shows every chance you get to doubly upset them.

Life is infinitely more dynamic than the portrait painted by progressives. Their art’s fundamental flaw is a lack of perspective.  Time spent lamenting poverty could be used earning promotions, although that’s less fun than kvetching.  Lump sums don’t cure poverty, as the elixir is only effective when consumed over time.  The cure is sickening if consumed in quantity.

You’ll never believe what happens when you pay people to not work as long as you’re new to Earth.  Welfare is an incentive to get more welfare. Sure, we could put a cap on how long one could receive handouts.  But that’s only if we want the unfortunate to expire.  What a cruel Republican you are, to be redundant.  Besides, have you tried finding a job recently?  Nobody’s hiring despite all the government assistance.  It’s the uncanniest thing.  The lesson is that there’s no way to get ahead, and the only remedy is obviously more entitlements.
Nice people pay for redistributive dreams in order to avoid jail time. The vampire bleeding his meal ticket thinks Washington is too predatory.  Politicians compensate for their greed by being shortsighted.  The government hands out food without realizing why people are hungry in the first place.  That empty stomach feeling is going to return.  Enabling people to buy their own sounds like it’ll cause mass starvation, and I oppose that.  We better not dare presume that there’s both more money to be made and groceries to be purchased with it.

Promotions are elusive when the goal is to not be in the office at all.  Those who break even at best wonder why billionaires keep working without realizing same determination is how the rich got that way.  A job should be about more than a salary, no matter how much it sounds like a trite motivational poster caption.  Those greedy tyrants find others who will still compensate them for expertise.  It’s possible to get sweetheart deals by trading favor with other poser barons, but it’s statistically unlikely you are married to or were born a Clinton.

The ironically selfish think only of compensation and not the impossible variety of products that, say, Jeff Bezos lets them have at a click. Amassing a fortune by providing something decent isn’t a notion that comes to mind for those who hope to skip steps Underpants Gnomes-style. Why retire when someone else will fill the vacuum to rake in bucks?

Real riches result from others paying you for being good at something.  Ceasing to do what got you out of Bum Alley any longer means whoever buys your offering will either have to go without or turn elsewhere.  And every dollar those bastard CEOs waste on extravagant junk helps manufacturers and peddlers of same junk.  Or you could demonstrate contempt for your fellow man by not doing something well enough to prompt exchange.

Don’t have money?  Take some.  The problem is solved.  Wait: we need to take it from somewhere first, so let’s hit up those who have some. Remember that money is randomly assigned through fate if you ever feel compunction about sifting through the purses and billfolds of those with executive washroom keys.  You’ll never get there, assure paragons of hope who see life as static.  That’s why it never changes while they’re in charge.  Rotten luck is the only thing that keeps everyone from prospering.

Those who think they’re a tax hike on the rich away from moving in next door would remain in poverty even if they had currency.  The lottery mentality concludes that the goal is to somehow get a lump sum and subtract from it just enough to last until death. Alternately, go to work every day.  But striving for promotions is discouraged by politicians who redefine compassion in the same way they did “stimulus.”

Lack of money results from a lack of earning. That valuable lesson is worth more than a sack full of cash, as it’ll last longer.  But you may have enough to buy a flatscreen now. High definition is worth a sold soul.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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