Fall Harder

Your druggie friend can’t seem to find the 10-dollar bill he decided to guard for you.  But he’ll work to track down the thief until the meth wears off.  Another tweaking session will help if you happen to have any more cash in the meantime.  At least he can use drugs as a reason, if not justification.  By contrast, the government is supposed to remain sober.  Yet their only output is lame excuses.

Elected bosses never get enough power.  Their harebrained lunacy was never tried with sufficient vigor, so it’s actually your fault that spreading wealth didn’t cause it to peak. Drinking half a glass of lava wasn’t refreshing, as you must finish a full serving to quench thirst.  The incompetent need more power to fix what they busted.

Guns control humans.  At least that’s what those who apparently skipped junior high and therefore think our species is comprised of angels would have you believe about the demonic bullet shooters.  Harassing anyone who obeys laws is a communal exercise.

Sure, crime is awful in areas where laws attempt to control devices instead of bad people. But hand cannons just flood in from adjacent areas, see?  Every jurisdiction has to pretend gun shows are where gangs stockpile their armories if we want peaceful streets.

Only fools aren’t scared when there are demons possessing metal.  The nefarious triggered monsters walk in on their own before murdering without provocation.  The question of why crime isn’t awful in the areas from which pistols flow remains unanswered. But those scared of guns as if the barrels are haunted think we’re another background check away from the same reduction in crime that’s already happened.  Acknowledging the tendency to keep hands to oneself accompanied right-to-carry would be an admission that bad people learn they may get holes inside them as punishment for taking what’s not theirs.

The economy won’t be fixed as long as pockets are heavy.  More spending is the solution to the problem of people having no money, according to those who’d have turned our finances if not for stupid humans and their fee will.  See, cash circles only if it’s being spent, which is why greedy hoarders who treat it like their property must be punished with confiscation.

There’s just never sufficient currency taken from our financial ecosystem, which is why we should’ve skipped liberalism and gone for leftism in the first place.  The failure of cooperation through envy is supposed to prompt the realization that New Venezuela was the way to go the whole time.  You’d think that half-assed socialism would create some positive effects if it’s so fantastic.  But it turns out you have to commit to it.  When government’s your religion, it takes faith to work.  Pray for miracles.

Could you just keep your check and spend it yourself?  It seems like you’d respect the money you earned and buy things you’d like, which would let retailers know what they should peddle.  If everyone did the same, it’s as if the economy would thrive.  But the lack of planning makes innate autocrats nervous.  More debt will push us over the hump.

The world’s only burning because Republican presidents dropped napalm, you see.  It takes at least 16 years to fix the meanness of fighting back, so we’re only halfway to reversing the sinister Rumsfeld domination scheme.  Vote for the woman who brought peace by sharing secrets or it’s your fault if all this peace disappears.

America was a meanie beforehand.  Therefore, it’s just going to take more bribes and lipstick to make foreign powers respect us.  Iran needs a bigger trust fund if they’re going to become responsible adults. Deprivation of currency make the mullahs hate who we are.  Why did we start the fight?  It’s little wonder we’re known as the Great Satan.

Dangling another wheel over the canyon edge will focus us enough to balance. You couldn’t do any better, claim those who are doing the worst.  The standard and tired charge that the other side would ruin lives even more thoroughly is designed to distract from how the only way more people could be free from debt is getting nuked.  Help us break even, Persia.

At this point, the White House staff doesn’t even display the superficial trappings of snotty credentialed intelligence.  Despite the condescension from such failures, it’s easy to see how to improve.  If nothing else, the public knows failure to breathe underwater isn’t caused by being in the shallow end.  More vigorous failed policies will bring success.  A double negative equals a positive.  It makes sense if you’re trying to lie yourself into continued employment.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/604353.

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