News Fed

Leave me alone.  Okay, we can hang out for a bit.  Just please text instead of using excessively intimate speaking.  Modern life’s lack of shared experience is personally fun considering how many people I wish to avoid.  We should feel glad to be fractured instead of being stuck in excessively broad groups.  Budweiser and Miller were the only options for your poor parents, and there’s no reason to feel nostalgic about the days when choices resembled light switches.

Still, people need to monitor their feeds if their main source of guidance is themselves.  The cyber-future world we presently inhabit lets us access all information right this second.  But some sadly use technology advanced enough to provoke madness in a World War I veteran to believe lies instantaneously as soon as they’re retweeted by a doltish techno-pal. Being misinformed much more quickly is the unfortunate byproduct of glowing pocket screens.  At least Twitter may keep ruining everything soon so we have an excuse to go outside.

Everyone now knows how easy journalism is, and that’s only one benefit of being your own editor.  Anchors who used to dictate terms now beg for you to not choose one million other channels or this new interconnected computer modem doohickey.  I think the computational information system will catch on just as strongly as virtual pets.

The right feed is crucial to getting nutrients.  A perfectly customizable news feed is unhelpful if you follow the same liberal claptrap three networks and your lousy hometown paper were feeding you in the Atari era.  The only advantage to getting updates from Think Progress instead of Dan Rather is that it’s more obvious they’re partisan ass-kissers.  It’s no big deal: there was just a revolution in how humans can obtain information.  With wisdom literally in your hand, maybe don’t choose to patronize those who think the economy is thriving because people are too depressed to bother with job searches anymore.

There’s too much to learn.  Yeah, let’s use that as an excuse.  Everyone has free health care, you know, as I saw it in a meme.  Sad folks still believe Mitt Romney didn’t pay much in taxes and that Warren Buffett’s secretary really gets a raw deal.  Also, humans are thriving thanks to government buying them things with thoroughly free money.  Fast machines can’t teach logic.

One of the downsides to the lack of face-to-face contact is not seeing how many of those faces look like they need a drink.  It’s so easy to find the actual unemployment rate.  In fact, you can learn it by clicking this sentence. But some trust the clearly impartial White House for accuracy.  Why would someone who works for the president offer a dishonest take? We’d better trust authority.  Have at least one close friend in the room with you who’s willing to yell when you’re being suckered.

Thinking central planners are actually helping is remarkably dim at any point on civilization’s timeline.  But the notion of ceding autonomy to smug dolts is especially galling in an era where everyone has an index card-sized supercomputer which can access ample examples of why it’s untrue. Check the case to see which government agency built same magic phone.

The first thing you should learn on the internet is that humans are stupid liars.  I’m sorry to be more misanthropic than usual.  I’ll be slightly more charitable and qualify the assessment by noting we have the capacity to be deceitful about information.  Some of our fellow humans are simply delusional, which is why it’s crucial to remember why something they guarantee may not occur in reality.  A presidency which is supposed to stop shootings in America and nukes in Iran has a few more months to make you as rich as promised.  According to their math, they have about a decade left.

Modern people need to get more cynical.  Don’t you want to look upon ingenuous geezers with disdain?  It’s the duty of those gathering their own news to assemble information kits properly.  Without guidance, cordless humans must refuse to believe that unemployment is shrinking as quickly as the deficit. The good news is how easy it is to find the real story.  But it’s easier to settle for the first fake one.  Snapchat kids are so used to instantaneous that the four seconds it would take to fact-check seems like a waste of precious moments.

Why learn the truth at light speed?  The modern man is a few clicks away from unearthing the disturbing fact that not everyone has insurance now, not to mention that many of those who do wish illness upon whoever inflicted this mandatory junk on once-free people.  But dolts from high school conveniently offer wholly unbiased takes on social media in between Fitbit updates.

You could choose new pals.  But subversive clubs are frowned upon as the government strives to replace private associations with forced groupings.  Philanthropy relies on the goodness of individuals, and divine liberals think others are too awful to volunteer.  They want us fragmented in order to make us more dependent.  The oversharing era is marked by isolation.  Tell the world what you ordered for dinner instead of a person in the room with you.  There’s no time for conversation when Planned Parenthood has nonsensical Facebook posts to share.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


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