Invisible Handed

Nobody’s benefited more from conservatism than liberals.  Bitching about the patent unfairness of oppressive Yankee capitalism is only possible thanks to same capitalism.  Whiners aren’t big on recognizing irony or their own hypocrisy, which makes it just like their beliefs.

Ingrates never appreciate what enables cushy lives.  Lack of real trauma causes inventions from those who need an opponent to feel whole.  The twisted responses to nothing cause actual problems about which to complain.  Contempt for businessmen results from liberals thinking useful people cause problems.

This entire nation is based on being not bothered.  That means obeying the nation’s regulations is inconvenient to those who think good power means getting up in your business.  It’s not to be partisan, but accuracy often hurts feelings.  Our system of government is designed to not have a lot of it.  An unencumbered life sadly leaves time for the inherently miserable to pretend they have problems.  We could use a few more coal mines to keep pouters busy.

Invented problems lead to actual challenges.  The only solution is to screw things up more.  We’re sure not going back to trusting Americans to address it themselves.  Politicians fix everything instead.  In that vein, it’s unsurprising this interminably insufferable presidential campaign features candidates who blatantly disregard the law, which seems like it should be disqualifying.  But our dumb restrictions on powers keep progressives from installing their euphoric schemes all at once.  Thanks to increments, you won’t even notice how many decisions have been confiscated.

The heinous initiatives of the bitchy are the only real things about which to bitch.  Our economic system is so strong that it allows people to whine about nothing.  The starting wage for jobs that generate little value isn’t enough to support a family. Therefore, raise the rate so there are even fewer of them.  Less menial work leads to happiness.

Our country can get away with a few dumb deviations.  Sure, wasting earnings on federally-planned silliness is nearly as appalling as the notion that a political science major who got 52 percent of votes knows how to spend it best.  But a little self-righteousness as policy is sustainable even if it’s unwise.  The problem lies in thinking it works.  Indulge in too many mandated schemes for a reminder of what it was like to engage in commerce unencumbered by the interdictions of people who neither made your money nor the product you wish to buy.

Everyone who enjoys not being stabbed while protecting wallets benefits from the threat of shooting bad guys.  Guns are value-neutral until they’re in human hands, so we better make sure the righteous have plenty of them. We could try to melt all the shootie machines into roller coasters, but wicked industrialists would build more.  They’re rotten in that way and don’t care that you’ll only have a butter knife for protection.

But firearms can hurt more than your feelings.  Sure, it takes a person to operate one, and innocent people tend to be hunted in places where they’re not allowed to shoot back at predators.  Still, we best freak out whenever a psychopath is lucid enough to note which locales sport “gun-free zone” signs.  There’s a reason we hear about it every time a human uses an implement to shoot those without them.

Enemies of objects think the news is the equivalent of the everyday.  In truth, the exception proves it’s not a rule.  Meanwhile, every effort to completely eliminate gun violence exacerbates it. Trying to control people by restricting items is just like poverty and health insurance, only with more immediate casualties.

One sure sign a system functions is how many complaints there are about it.  Yes, people can take issue with genuine crises.  But relatively stress-free life gives people time to find things about which to gripe.  No American’s going to starve or go without a roof, and the knowledge that basic needs are covered leads to pretending advanced wants are obligations.

As a result of no material needs, some unfortunate people who need to spar conjure faux outrage.  They end up counting complexions of trophy winners and calling internet access a right.  Previous generations worked their tails off and respected those who did the same.  Their descendants can thank free markets but of course won’t. The chance to invent offenses is more fun than gratitude.

Liberty engineered the chance to say it’s bad for people.  Human crabs use their own deviations to justify abandoning the straight and narrow. Some people can’t be happy without sad things.  Make up the blues if there isn’t enough material for a song.  I’m certain it’ll feel authentic.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at


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