America’s First Day

You try reading the minds of liberals.  It’s exhausting enough trying to figure out why they think their policies help.  The only thing more puzzling than what they believe is why they would.  Big schemers’ imaginations get them in trouble, and not in a fun way like Curious George flying a kite.  Take how they think countless silly federal programs are American.  To them, the Constitution is obsolete while the Department of Education will lead us into the future.  Your retirement’s totally covered, as long as air has calories.

Debate the correct way they’re wrong.  Strongman advocates may genuinely and improperly think government made America swell.  Alternately, semi-dictator fans may loathe this mean country and set out to warp it like Silly Putty pressed against the Sunday funnies.  That’s how folks entertained themselves back in the days when people worked to buy products.

It’s tough to pick a direction.  What’s certain is that old-fashioned sensibilities like liberty and not wanting to assault anyone who thinks differently are being rendered as obsolete as the notion each branch gets its own veto.

We’re in trouble any time more than zero candidates think universal insurance conforms with our values.  Like so many nice ideas, treating a commodity like a right makes life nasty.  Here in America, we like things that work.  Or at least we did.  Antiquated humans used to be nasty enough to believe in helping each other or such selfish claptrap.  Compassionate modern people force assistance by law, which means you never have to be decent by choice.

Let’s get together.  It’s not a request.  Socialize up this dumb place, demand the smart ones who never cracked history textbook spines. The plan is atrocious whether or not advocates think it conforms with American values, but some like to extend the courtesy of pretending.

Don’t worry about the new propensity for more forced sharing: it’s just an utter lack of faith in humanity.  The newfound refusal of anyone stuck on this planet to help each other is an indication of just how much faith statists place in our species. Wholesale lack of trust explains why they chose to worship Washington instead of some hokey religion.  Zookeepers wouldn’t expect upright apes to feed themselves without compulsion, much less help those with less chow in the same cages.

If you want to stay positive, avoid thinking how miserable those who dominate contemporary political wisdom have to be to think that politicians should and can address everyday needs.  We know the answer to be “very.”  To them, security means never having to worry about money, not killing marauders who hope to pave our streets with our corpses.  One is actually your job.

Irksome terrorists won’t accept that we have a loving president who will sit with them in the cafeteria even if they’re not cool enough to deserve it. They’re still plotting to end lives of innocents, who at least won’t die worrying about some mortgage payment.

Straying from independence causes both philosophical conflict and practical failure.  Other than that, taping together America’s shreds is a rousing success.  The notion of electing another executive who unbalances checks is in vogue among those who curiously think spending helps and planning works.  Pondering if the massive taxes and loss of autonomy that accompany soul-sucking authority are worth it will just slow us down.  Just push ahead for progress.

Someone else is keeping you down, according to those who keep voting to tax the economy into prosperity.  There’s good news for those not planning on making a lot of money, as they can just blame those who have it for not sharing.  Besides, decisions are a pain.  Why elect politicians if we have to think for themselves?  The argument isn’t about if the next autocrat should impose tyranny on us for our own good but rather how much.  I’m drinking, too.

Thinking about the what preserves freedom is discouraged in these hectic modern times.  The government should decide for us, according to those who think most TV shows and jokes encourage bigotry.  People are so full of optimism that they’re unable to spend a few seconds learning why this country got to this point, much less if changes will maintain it.  Pondering sounds boring, anyway.  And why fret when life will always be good?  That’s how this universe seems to work.  Just presume this nation keeps trucking forward, especially if we get our own goon.

Antsy control freaks on both sides want to centralize the economy, as concentration will make it good.  “Concentrate” means to think hard, right?  The smartest person will be in charge, with the next-smartest as his assistant, and so forth.  That’s why we have elections: to figure out who has the best IQ.  Let someone else manage our money so we can focus on conquering our Netflix queues and finding Twitter jokes to deem more offensive than the Holocaust.  The worst think about beating down dissenters is how crummy the opinions are for which they fight.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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