Subvert This

The Earth can’t spin fast enough.  Would global warming help make it go? Keep the car running just in case.  One of the things many of us look forward to upon time passing is not hearing about whatever the establishment is anymore.  All we know is everyone who belongs is a dastard, and those listing the roster are never on it.  The problem is you can’t skunk the club without membership.  Anyone who complains of it is it once elected.  But you may have to head to the core to beat the enemy.  Ask Lando, who, spoiler alert, made it back.

Giving up on your beliefs is only bad depending on what you believe. Sellouts should at least get rich off of it; after all, you’re supposed to be selling something.  But we’re all poorer for this particular soul swap. The statists who trade goodies for constituencies are rather dull even for zombies.  Feel free to surrender principles if they’re going to infringe on liberty, as there are some cases where cashing in ideals can save the person pawning them.

Modern posers rail against oversight unless they have enough of it.  This is the baffling and stupid year where people hate the system so much that they align with lunatics who are very much of it.  Whether it’s a fake business titan whose entire unstable persona is based on connections or a crackpot collectivist who would’ve starved if he ever lost an election, it’s beyond tiresome to hear why everything sucks about the behemoth that inflated them.

You can win elections and still hate everything about them. If you’re really up for fighting the power, explain why federal interventions are an affront to free people and explain that a vote to retain it is taking money from our pockets.  Or just call anyone who disagrees a Washington party tool if you’d like to make new friends.

Complaining about the system is a novel approach for those who want nothing but to run it.  And it’s not like we’re waiting for history to happen.  The habitually oppressed are somehow in control now, and for most of the time, actually. The mean system hurt their feelings.  See, they’ll reign over us nicely.  Revenge is only one of their motivations for ruining everything.  Throwing anvils to drowning victims in order to help them swim is just how they make the ocean safer.

It’s hard to debate politics when up is down and George Clooney isn’t smug.  There’s nothing conservative about politicians helping businesses. True free market fans don’t favor the seller: they’re indifferent to how both parties negotiate as long as there’s no fraud.  AT&T overcharging for your phone doesn’t count.  Government should strive to not care how customers buy what they wish from anyone they want at any mutually-acceptable price.  Anyone who thinks favors for a specific concern or industry spur the economy will end up as just another goon managing a henchmen army.

Sure, it’s inherently ironic to dislike government then get elected to it.  Just call it subversive.  It takes discipline to not want more authority. Everyone who lusts after the presidency is an unstable megalomaniacal tyrant in spirit at least a little bit.  But the real ego trip comes in knocking down others.  In politics, most coworkers deserve it, which assuages consciences.

In the case of our putrid government, everyone who’s nudge off the ledge deserves to experience gravity.  A selfless politician is as rare as an Obama success.  Voters just seek a few folks who don’t turn into everything they hated because they’re offered comfort.  Those who trade edginess for settling in end up like David Letterman, and nobody wants to be that joyless.  I had forgotten he hosted a TV show.

Let’s take it down from the inside.  Treat the authority reduction like a suspenseful caper.  It’ll be grand to save the republic while tearing down all this useless junk.  Ending the Department of Education will be even more satisfying than Die Hard’s action scenes.  And this betrayal will be fun, too: dull statists will never be expecting one of their club pals to turn on them.  Sitting alone in the Senate cafeteria is a small price to pay for steering us from financial catastrophe paired with international emasculation.

There’s no reason to be mannerly toward those who rudely ruined our way of life.  Screw gentility, which is just a way of getting the person ripping you off to smile about it.  They don’t make movies about guys who go along with the snobs who supervise the descent.  Be a rebel to impress the right academy, namely everyone who never watches the Oscars.  Hollywood doesn’t need additional attention any more than Manhattan does.

Obeying the Constitution shouldn’t be a radical act.  But today’s leaders must start thinking like the guys who wrote it.  Reading the words with the goal of sticking to them is a fun way to be rebellious.  The alternative just made us weak and busted, which is as uncool as it gets.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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