The Donald is the Ridiculous

NOTE: I wrote this about Trump in April 2011. I’d like to point out I’m a #NeverTrump hipster. Ann Coulter criticizing Donald, Herman Cain not fritting respectability, $2.25 subway fare: so much is different. One thing hasn’t changed in five years: #NeverTrump.

It would be tragically frustrating to end up with a Republican presidential candidate who doesn’t believe in every crucial Republican principle. So, that at least eliminates Newt, Mitt, Huck, Rick, Mitch, and Haley.

But Donald Trump is far more annoying while being far more disappointing. He carries all the negative baggage of a shameless hustler without concurrently offering anything resembling conservative beliefs.

And yet he may run. What was assumed to be a prank at his expense is becoming a joke on all of us, as worrying polls keep putting him near or at the top of the Republican presidential scrap heap. We can only hope that, like him, some of them don’t hold up to scrutiny.

A Trump try would assuage those who worried that the 2012 campaign would be too dignified. Why rally to defeat the leftiest president ever behind a principled small-government aficionado who believes in America’s greatness and goodness when we can stroke the ego of the last man on Earth who needs it?

We can despise Trump for far more than a reality show catchphrase that won’t be reprinted here. Suffice it to say that his employment status notification makes Charlie Sheen’s lectures on human life seem profound.

And the contempt in which he should be held goes beyond how President Trump would do for America what Developer Trump did for Manhattan’s skyline. Still, his criminal aesthetic sense is telling. His appalling affinity for spectacularly hideous black glass and gold accents would be considered tacky even in Dubai.

The cathedrals of tastelessness branded with his unpleasant name mar rows of otherwise inspiring skyscrapers. The nicest thing about being inside a Trump building is that you can’t see the outside of a Trump building while you’re inside. Unfortunately, you can still view the décor. Oh, the pink marble!

Trump’s crimes against good taste raise a broader issue about how we can’t trust his judgment. It’s best seen in the certifiable nonsense he raises regarding the dreadfully pointless search for the president’s birth certificate. The investigators he’s assigned to the case will release bombshells any day now, so just keep holding your breath.

Noted right-wing radical Hillary Clinton might secretly appreciate Trump’s blustery conspiracy junk; after all, her people are the ones who started the native Kenya movement. More importantly, she definitely likes the damage he’s inflicting upon her political enemies.

Trump isn’t scoring points off Obama with his certificate capers: he’s distracting people from what’s really rotten about the Obama era. There are, oh, 93 jillion economic and foreign-policy shortcomings for which this White House deserves grief. But why bring those to mind when we can engage in World Net Daily-type lunacy?

Meanwhile, the president is canny enough to not release his long form birth blah blah whatever, as it distracts dopes from focusing on his sorry record. Trump wants to be in charge, and meanwhile he’s not even criticizing the president for the right things.

If Trump really cared about the nation that allowed him to become rich and famous without being skilled, he’d endorse whoever defeats him most soundly in the primaries. Pray that it happens once Republicans regain their senses, although a still-emerging field of at least semi-good candidates from which to choose would help, too.

Instead, his superciliousness may prompt him to make a quixotically independent run which will in turn split the no-more-Obama vote. Trump would prove how important he is by being the one who single-handedly got Obama reelected.

Naturally, most of the media would love that scenario, and not just because they would have helped obtain a second term for their savior even though he didn’t deserve a first. Journalists like The Trump because he makes their jobs easy, as outlandish quotes from guests are one way for them to attract attention without having to work hard.

That’s why he has lamentably is permitted to yap on Fox News Channel in the worst decision executives have made since employing Geraldo. Oddly, he seems to call in frequently. Can’t he afford subway fare?

Maybe a $4.50 round trip is steep for a savvy business maven whose companies curiously seem to run out of money a lot. It would be best for those who want a savvy moneymaker to win the 2012 race not to put a sign in the front lawn endorsing an oft-bankrupt shyster who sucks at running enterprises with his name plastered upon them.

Voters might understandably feel the urge to support having a businessman as the next president, especially considering that we’ve seen what happens as the result of a win by the opposite of one, namely a community organizer. But please first specify that you’d like a good businessman.

If we’re going to hire a CEO, we should look for more qualified candidates. Conservatives would be infinitely better served by backing a genuine business success like Herman Cain if they want a corporate honcho setting up shop in the Oval Office. Oh, yeah: the one-time godfather of Godfather’s Pizza is actually a conservative, too.

Cain’s dedication to classic liberalism differentiates him from certain unprincipled megalomaniac frontrunners who have a history of essentially trying to simultaneously back both the Yankees and Red Sox. The best time to ask Trump whose side he’s on is after either the last out is registered or the final votes are counted.

A self-aggrandizing phony whose personality attracts rubes unwilling to examine his disturbingly anti-capitalist stances and likes adoration more than actually being president may be running in 2012- against Obama. Trump is unpleasant in eerily similar ways to his professed political foe.

Trump’s ego is manifested by his id: he ballyhoos himself by blurting any obnoxiously wearying charge that pops to mind. It’s far from entertaining when Trump is selling himself. And it would be unbearably horrifying if he did so while officially serving in the role of selling our nation to the world.

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