Remedial America

It’s hard to move the chains if you can’t throw a football.   Also, why are there chains?  Are we trying to trip our way to victory?  These are questions that should’ve been asked before training camp.  But we have to invest much of our precious time reviewing the basics.  Take notes, and note your pen doesn’t taste like blueberries.

Remembering the left-right walking sequence is apparently necessary based on our present remedial state.  Reiterate just why this country got to the point where it could decline so precipitously. Doing so may help us learn how entitled brats positioned themselves to hasten its decline by bitching about everyone before them who worked for it.  They’re grateful, peaceful folks otherwise.  Calculus is tricky when addition is beyond the realm of imagination.  How can two completely different numbers join to form a third, sorcerer?

America is now the home of Americans who don’t know how it got that way.  Our material needs are met, which means plenty of time to bitch.  Same bitching leads to scheming which in turn makes obtaining physical goods trickier.  Some perversely prefer hardship as a lesson to humans who wish to be comfortable on this apparently fragile planet. The only thing worse than not knowing what’s succeeded about human interaction is knowing and despising it, anyway.

I hope ignorance is the cause of contempt.  That’s a sure sign things are swell.  The enemies within either presume this nation can’t sink or are cool with it.  We’re in caring hands.  Young people look forward to spending 2036 taking the names of anyone who opposed letting men use women’s rooms off college buildings, presuming any are still standing by that point.  It won’t matter, as tuition will be $2.7 million per semester plus extracurriculars.  The next subsidy will finally be the one that lowers the cost of room and board.

Some problems are simple.  For one, young people and the immaturely elderly think socialism is cool while capitalism is evil because they’re awful morons.  I’m sorry to be insulting, but noting their profound ignorance is accurate in the same way their outlook is not. History is as foreign as math.  Forget learning the incalculable damage caused every time someone has collectivizing beings known for free will.  The knowledge that eating nails hurts your tummy is too tricky to acquire.  The precedent for any of the brutal maneuvers our maniacal government does today is missing for good reason.  It’s hard for those who don’t know what “precedent” means.

The 2016 citizen has no idea why this country works well, perhaps because it doesn’t anymore.  The idea that you could get better health care at a bargain on your own is as alien as wondering if you could pay for your own kids’ schooling.  And how could you get the economy going on your own: buying what you wish?  Forget it: we need a dolt with a plan.  The government’s supposed to provide.  Now, who’s supposed to provide for the government?  Those thieving goons who pay new hires eight bucks an hour because that’s what the work is worth won’t get away with offering jobs much longer.

We’d be in great shape if life was as easy as a promise.  It’d be nice if anyone could get around learning in the 21st freaking century that their fellow humans are often damn liars or just boastful dopes. Alternately, believe the maniacs who assure us that fire has been extinguished as the flames melt the teleprompter.  Relying on useless politicians to figure out solutions will doom us to a future that won’t be fixed by voting.

It’s not that people are unaware that government rips them off in exchange for either junk or nothing: it’s that that they don’t want the responsibility of shopping for themselves.  The best way to get health care for all is to promise health care for none.  Yes, it’s very mean to assume people should care for themselves.  But it’s easiest to acquire half-decent policies when you’re permitted to price them at more than one store.  True heartlessness comes in thinking you can dole out a cheaper cure at little or no cost.

Our erstwhile championship squad has lost the fundamentals.  Old people complaining that today’s game is nothing but obnoxious slamming have a point, unless they’re a batty Vermont pinko or entitled spouse of an ex-president who professes an affinity for the oppressed.

Teaching kids to be aggrieved is easier than letting them know it’ll make them miserable adults.  There’s no better case against public schools than how they churn out whippersnappers who’ve been taught nothing more than resentment.  Admiring a bellicose union teacher isn’t the sort of inspiration we had in mind.  The very institution that steers them the wrong way is what liberals consider a good start.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at

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