It Is What It Isn’t


We can actually have a discussion about government’s role if our bunkers are as fireproof as the website with the blueprints claims.  Anyone who remembers there’s a Constitution to obey may as well gain something worthwhile from the most worthless matchup imaginable.  We can choose to remember rules in a way the two lawbreakers running don’t offer.

The lush picking between Budweiser and Miller can shotgun the result of his purchase until it seems like there’s more than one option, but anyone sober knows swill’s getting imbibed either way.  There’s not even a pretend opponent to statism this time.  Not having to fake caring is a relief in its way.  Donald Trump’s a conservative in the same sense you can rent a suite in his Plaza. Sure, those who’ve noticed bullying won’t bring prosperity are missing the thrill of jumping from planes without a parachute.  You’ll hear zealous adherents of bold stunts screaming about how we shouldn’t sit out the fun from our lawn chairs.  We’re making sure we and our coolers are clear of the splatter zone.

Let’s persevere and get back to where we can hate each other for genuine reasons.  Sure, everyone wants to murder everyone else now.  But at least we can return to ideological consistency where conservatives are despised by those who think helping the poor requires a mandate. It’s mean to tell someone to go to church.

I want a candidate who’s loathed by people who think Scott Walker makes Satan look respectable.  The malice must be accurate.  Don’t link people who’ve read Hayek in their free time with the clown who had a poor ghostwriter churn out Think Big and Kick Ass. Liberals should extend the courtesy of hating actual conservatives for the right reasons, no matter how anti-mathematical said reasons may be.

This time, the purported GOP leader wants to access power only to make others obey.  That sounds like a progressive caricature to me.  At least, we can finally establish that Republican and conservative are not synonyms.  Of course, they’ve rarely been neighbors in the thesaurus, and even then only by coincidence.  Neither major candidate is big on obeying the dictionary.

Evolution is going backward if that proves any theories.  It’s hard to claim our species is advanced when it’s clearly getting collectively dimmer.  Technology isn’t doing the thinking for us as much as it is making it easy to let the brain atrophy. Modern humans access the entirety of knowledge through magic pocket screens.  Many use them to read Trump’s tweets.  Some forget to mock, if you’d like to envision the horror of taking him seriously.  He’s sticking it to stupid eggheads, what with their books and glasses.

The only guarantee is that guarantees are useless.  It’s economically and philosophically tough to advance when the government promises access. Both major-party junta leaders promise fantastical developments where you don’t have to work for your goods, and I can assure you there will never be a devastating catch.

True patriots want a president who doesn’t care about you, at least personally.  Decent leaders trust those in less glamorous jobs to utilize their talents.  In this case, they’re supposed to delegate by law.  Instead, modern goon style emphasizes ridiculous promises purportedly funded by pillorying designated faux villains.  From punishing success to demonizing trade, human behavior is under fire.

Our progressive friends may be unhappy to spend time with us after we point out how many times the orange Trump leans blue.  They’re already less enthusiastic about our companionship that they should be for such swell folks as us.  There are a disturbing number of voters from both parties who want a government powerful enough and willing to push around others. The secret they don’t want you to know and may not even admit to themselves is they’re comfortable knowing they’ll get pushed, too.   Admit you’re scared by donning a red hat.

Our enemies only change their names and knockoff jeans brands.  A happy ending means the story’s not over.  Those aware of this fact suspected the Soviet Union was ever going to turn into something pleasant upon its inevitable dissolution.  The next chapter is as dismaying as feared.  People with a curious tradition of begging to be dominated get tingly in their bathing suit areas when they picture Putin-style posing.  Sure, neither the country nor style is great. But at least you don’t have to make decisions.

Trump fans seem uncomfortable, what with the nasty raging at the world and everything about it.  So propose a mutually-beneficial solution: invite them to move to the Motherland of adidas-clad bears drunk on vodka. Telling someone to go to Russia is not just an offer to a commie anymore, although I certainly invite Bernie Sanders fans to experience firsthand the joy of vigorous statism.  They can travel with Trump fans as future neighbors who share more in common than either group will ever admit.  Oh: you like to boss around others, too.

As with Vladimir’s woeful sycophants, Trump’s party-ruining goon squad just needs constant direction to reach presently elusive euphoria. The tradition of waiting for a president to tell them what to do will help them overcome the grayness.  They can still adore supposed strongmen making the nation vigorous in what’s not at all compensation for limp raging.  This is the party of Putin stooge Paul Manafort now, so fans should think about where they’d feel at home. It’s like Jews moving to Israel, only without the anti-Semitism.

Contemporary Russia features the bossy style and tacky architecture Trump adores. Once he and his hateful lackeys realize their spiritual home is far from their present addresses, the urge for pointless vandalism will dissipate.  Settling in New Trumpistan after their cult leader makes the land purchase of the century in Siberia will take them far.  Most importantly, it’d be away from us.


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