Party Value

We’re due for a market correction after some inappropriate interference.  That’s what we get for letting fools who think politicians trading favors with pet businessmen embodies capitalism access the kitty.  Trump won’t understand a return to normal trading because it has something to do with business that doesn’t involve bribing a politician to get permission.  Neither would wealth-loathing rich person Hillary, for that matter, but we expect that.

As the candidate of the erstwhile semi-capitalistic party, he’s the one who needs to be fixed. No, it’s not a threat, as I don’t want to be anything like this singularly unpleasant ogre who tells his wife he was only joking when he called her friends hot.

Many Republicans will suffer due to fish rotting from the golden-haired head.  Actual fans of this corpse of a campaign deserve to be tainted with stench. Anyone who thought the Vanilla Ice of presidential candidates would remain popular should be teased at every reunion.  But many poor saps are simply tainted by being in the same club, which is particularly contemptible considering they joined first.  Barging in and ruining the décor is just what we’d expect from a lusty eminent domain fan.

I dislike my club’s president.  Non-members are sure to appreciate the distinction.  In an era of instantaneous permanent branding, the perceived connection between the Tea Party and T. Party will be tough to dispel.  There are unnervingly large segments of voters who either think Ms. Clinton accomplished much by flying around the world burning under her watch or that slapping one’s name on a few golf courses and tacky office buildings amounts to a real estate empire.  Clarifying why you’re not like the coarse human carrot won’t take root no matter how many tweets you dedicate to the subject. The alt-right savior seems to have Tourette’s.

There’s a surprise ahead if you think it can’t get worse.  It’s hard to believe that First Amendment-loathing Trump will nominate Scalia clones to the Supreme Court seriously when he’s putting that other branch in kudzu’s path.  The death vine is totally helping it grow.

Tying hopes to a sugar-mouthed goon is too bad, as the GOP has done well in non-presidential elections despite what that ranting from your AM radio dial indicates. Yes, that’s an “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln…” distinction. But both legislative chambers have just barely stuck with the opposition.  Now, a buffoon who’s not conservative in any sense of the word will take out those who are. Oh, well.

Republicans have held up well in the face of a president who a disturbing percentage of cultists have concluded will be cool no matter how much cash and prestige he squanders.  It’s hard to measure what could have been worse.  But the lack of even a flimsy barrier would mean we’d endure more preposterous spending and incursions into our medical records. You could’ve been hassled more.  That’ll make you an optimist.

You know an election’s going well when the discussion’s over whether to lock the candidate out of the bomb shelter. Should we level everything and start over or band with survivors to press on after the Trump neutron bomb?  As for the weapon that destroyed its own chances, it’s not like Donald’s the type to care about collateral damage he inflicts.  But like blackjack dealers at Trump Plaza, Republicans running for Congress better be prepared for consequences of his assistance.

Brace to rebuild, as the chances of avoiding explosions disappeared months ago. Don’t think filling Dumpsters is going to be all unpleasant: think of how clean the ground will be once we’re done lifting.  We’ll be able to appreciate our huge biceps in buildings that arise from clearing the barren landscape.  Look to the country that was Trump’s original Pacific enemy. With apologies to China, Japan came first on Donald’s Asian contempt list.  Our former enemy got ahead, and all it took was creating a new society after we righteously flattened it.  All you have to ignore is unimaginable destruction of property and lives.  Trump is fond of nukes for personal reasons.  You can have voting for him accessing them on your conscience.

Getting better in the future means lots of pain now.  That’s the most positive message I’ve got about 2016.  Olympic training means agony in the pursuit of exertion expertise, which is why we enjoy cheering for people willing to swim so much.  The political burden we bear is psychological.  Start flinching about another Clinton presidency, especially when nominating anyone to face her other than an escaped mental patient with particularly bad manners would’ve meant she’d actually have to find a job.

Look on the bright side if you can think of one.  At least the Missus has none of her husband’s sleazy charisma.  Actually, the woman who proved you can marry your way to the top like a true feminist will help us out by being her regular charming self.  Someone who’s sure to be so unpleasant while being so inflexible isn’t going to salvage her presidency by compromising with politicians who have better ideas.  Her presidency is doomed.  All opponents must remember is it’ll be hard to make the case without being on record as telling Trump to sod off.  Have better commercial sense than him.


The Sighs of the Machines

Efficiency means one person can do twice as much, which puts half of us out of work.  Why do you align with cyborgs who destroy humans by making them starve instead of using death lasers, robo-quisling?  The future-bound economy is such a drag in this vintage era.  Take these decadent tractors keeping comrades unemployed while kulaks harvest profits.  Smash the objects so we can increase employment through tilling by hand.  An idiotic president who claimed the convenience of ATMs hurt his precious economy should realize that’s what he’s demanding. But it’s easier to pretend we’re getting rich while never getting to three percent GDP.

I want the same job as now until I get my gold watch.  I also find all these television channels distracting, so let’s go back to getting three if your antenna’s good.  The free market’s efficiencies eliminate jobs, which is cruel if you think people should be working in the same careers available during the Studebaker era.

Let’s take the initiative about returning to employment of yore.  Get our cards back from the aforementioned ATMs before throwing them into the sea to create reefs; station humans with cartons of 20s to satisfy bank patrons.  Smash air conditioners to preserve lifeguard positions. And crush the cars that have put carriage drivers on the dole for over a century.  Let’s help the Earth by never generating anything new but smashing jobs.

Can we pass a law guaranteeing full employment?  I think they tried it in a previous version of Russia, and it turned out so well that they dissolved out of boredom with success. Making people feel good by paying them for superfluous tasks may require lots more destruction of items with microchips in them.  But we should want people doing the mindless and backbreaking work we arrogantly hand off to apparatuses.  That’s not even to mention it’s best to strike before gadgets achieve sentience.  Puny humans too distressed from job-hunting won’t even feel like charging lasers to fight back.

The process of doing more with fewer people is what businesses dream of achieving.  Customers feel the same way unless they want workers standing around factored into prices.  It’s unbelievable that it needs to be said, but jobs are going to become antiquated thanks to this darn trend called progress.  Ignorance of value hastens employment elimination, so that’s good news if big government fans were trying to make people irrelevant.

Let’s raise the minimum wage above what work is worth and watch managers turn to contraptions toiling for zero dollars per hour.  To be fair, that doesn’t include tips. Burgerflipper 3000 better pay taxes to fund welfare for the poor slobs whose jobs he took.

Speaking of progress, there are now no parties that understand efficiency is both inevitable and beneficial since a minority of Republican primary voters thought a 1930s Democrat would lead them into the future.  The only thing worse than New Deal hipsters complaining about manufacturing jobs that disappeared half a century ago is not knowing the reason they’re gone.  There are machines that make items now.

Man doesn’t have to engage in automated drudgery to pay bills anymore. They can instead focus on new opportunities which are bound to arrive until the antidote for initiative can be dumped into tap water. Ingenuity may also be paused by politicians who think workers having to learn new skills constitutes a crime against humanity.  Put a drag on advancement to help poor benighted constituents.

Note leaders who don’t realize the economy changes by how they’ve never run businesses before, at least not successfully. Owners of profitable slot machines can tell you patterns are uncanny. Americans don’t have to work in primitive factories anymore, even if the dingy atmosphere felt secure in its way.  Let the economy improve naturally.  If we don’t turn abandoned warehouses into lofts now, where will hipsters live?  Manpower could be applied to more stimulating paycheck generation. But we must ensure progress isn’t hurting anyone by ensuring none of it is made.

Let’s head back to the caves.  This year has been about reversing gains made in knowledge and understanding.  We should make it official by living in a more outdoorsy environment. Natural holes in rocks have a lower carbon footprint, so a more rustic lifestyle helps both the planet and unemployment rate. Troglodytes starved unless they worked every moment they were awake.  Overtime was part of the deal.  It was for the best since looking at a fire was how they killed hours instead of playing SimCity BuildIt.

The prom queen and varsity quarterback refuse to release the past. Hillary and Trump weren’t even popular in high school, but they want you to think everyone wanted their signatures in yearbooks.  Voters should have at least one candidate who doesn’t threaten those who do business globally.  You have some nerve to trade with someone other than Americans, Ivan.  Contemporary conventional wisdom takes companies getting fed up with preposterous regulations and mortifyingly high taxes as a sign something’s wrong with them, not us.

Welcome to the Jetsons age.  A variety of cyber emporiums will bring any product to your door, so that negates the need for flying cars.  Here in the futuristic present, we don’t have to spend life drudging away doing a device’s job on an assembly line anymore.  We let more congested nations do that.  This is America, and we sit and look at screens while getting paid if we’d like.

Supporters of both backward aspiring tyrants are upset that machines or foreigners are doing simple work that broke your grandpa’s back.  The unwillingness to adapt is very visionary.  Instead, they want to go back in time.  Enjoy looking for antiquated jobs in the past.

The Broken Clock Party

Liberals being right this one time is one of those unique 2016 torments that will inspire flinching in distant years, presuming America survives a bout with whichever shrill autocrat is unpopularly elected.  Proving wretched specimens who accuse every foe of rotten intentions correct is just one more subject to include in an endless thank-you note to Donald Trump.  It’s so bizarre to see, say, a New York Times columnist’s tweet about the Republican candidate and sigh out of agreement for a change.

There’s nothing lamer than Democrats claiming everyone who votes differently is sexist, racist, and homophobic.  Now, you can find all that just in Trump’s fans’ Twitter bios.  The caricature of a tycoon confirms their worst notions of wealth even though he’s just playing along with their fantasy.  The lame attempt to mimic the trappings like marble everywhere and gold everything is totally the opposite of tacky, so squash the thought that Trump is pathetically attempting to con you.

Condemn capitalism using someone who has nothing to do with it.  Trump’s meager successes have stemmed from buying favors exactly like an actual free market wouldn’t permit.  It would be much harder for him to make lame claims about being worth 11 figures if he couldn’t tip political strippers from each party, including wads of cash in Hillary’s G-string.  If you think that’s the most repulsive image in political history, imagine how Bill feels.

Contrary to the Montgomery Burns stereotype, conservatives aren’t about favoring the seller over the worker or consumer.  Adherents only want mutually voluntary conditions for negotiations.  By contrast, businessmen are rarely for open business, as they either seek carveouts for themselves or regulations that encumber competitors.  Trump is exceptional in his contempt for a level playing field.  That’s only a problem if politicians let him get away with it, or if he’s, you know, president of the United States.

The only thing that makes smug liberals sanctimoniously condemning whatever stupid thing the tangerine boor did this hour tolerable is the overlap.  From a broad notion of how much bossing he’d be allowed to his desire for spending other people’s money on redundant road maintenance, liberals would be shocked how often they agree with Trump.  Point it out to spur reactions that marginally soften the realization that one of these two garbage piles will win.

The election will determine who’s the next Democratic president.  At least they employ different styles.  The big difference between Obama/Hillary scheming and Trump cloddishness is how the former know they’re breaking the Constitution.  They pretend to care, while he pretends to be a Republican.  Trump’s in the cocky Caucasian Woodrow Wilson/Manzanar proprietor Franklin Roosevelt old school.  The only funny part of an entirely humorless election is noting the wannabe czar fulfills their desire for authoritarianism. Streamlining bills becoming laws would be the most efficient thing Trump ever does.

The lust for expanding power either comes in defiance or ignorance of our system.  Which inspirational take on semi-elected tyranny do you prefer?  Elections are more fun when seething leftists argue that anyone who notes the government sucks at buying useful products is Lucifer’s minion.  Let’s get back to them, say, calling Ted Cruz satanic for obeying our system’s rules.

Returning to accurate condemnation of properly-limited government would truly make America great again.  Meanwhile, liberals can still pretend that they prefer the classy Mitt Romney when they demonized him for putting a dog on a car roof and turning around businesses by firing redundant employees.

You’d think Trump’s Democratic haters would appreciate the phony titan’s Obama-style emptiness.  Calling things sad or failing represents the intellectual prowess we’ve come to expect.  It would’ve helped if he read the Constitution.  But he’d have to know it exists first.  Still, who needs a literacy test when you have principles?  Well, he has a principle.  Trump deeply adores the thought of a government he runs spending your money, you know, just like a true conservative. Add a cultish touch of worship to get a guy who’d serve Obama’s third term.  Both hopefuls have earned the same amount of honest dollars as the incumbent.  This is not what we meant by bipartisanship.

Yes, the American left got one thing right.  But they better not get cocky any more than a broken clock should.  Accusing everyone with a different party registration of being an orphan-punching bigot doesn’t make them perspicacious: it means their roulette number happened to come up this one time about a guy who lost money running a roulette wheel. Sad folks who think life offers nothing but randomness self-confirm by treating everyone who disagrees as a monster.  How dare you want to murder gays by not changing marriage.

Most of all, Trump’s left-leaning fans are right that he’ll hurt their cause.  Nobody has done more to help Democrats in general and Hillary Clinton in particular.  Giving liberals access to power will mean they screw up even more, which may mercifully someday inspire a change in electoral direction away from limp despotism.  See?  Trump was a Republican all along.

Active Excuses

Drunks have the toughest time with mean stairs tripping them.  At least those who refuse to accept sobriety as the natural state can pretend it was Jim Beam’s fault.  The professionally inept resort to passiveness while explaining away ceaseless rough patches in their relationship with incumbency.  Perpetual victims are not going to expend much energy pretending to feel bad.

Life is tough when things just happen. Decline is a choice decliners refuse to admit they make.  The only thing worse than not accepting their active role in ruining circumstances is if they know and won’t accept it.  Performing such mental gymnastics will be as active as they get.

Terror attacks suck, darn. I wish there were some way to stop them like noting who’s responsible and killing them preemptively.  But we don’t want to be mean. Perhaps more social services would convince our enemies that we’re cool.  Sequestration caused even more terror than Gitmo.  It’s easier to blame Western decadence than Middle Eastern barbarianism. Sure, scolding victims doesn’t keep us safe.  But it does allow for deflecting blame and responsibility.  The only cost is more bloody surfaces.

Note who’s failed to stop the threat by how they blame items.  The self-righteous resorting to whining about gun control assigns sentience to firearms like a dull Stephen King novel from the past few decades. The global terror organization that’s out to murder you for existing would be stymied by a background check.  Here in the real world where some Muslims have decided that us living our lives is a capital offense, their diabolical notion is the problem.  Knowing we’re out to get them first is an effective deterrent in a way a waiting period isn’t.  Let’s try it sometime.

Acquiring tools are an afterthought once intent’s been established.  But present policy consists of pitifully attempting to limit the implements instead of hunting the predators.  Maybe only 35 people would have been murdered while enjoying their evening if there had been a magazine limitation that wouldn’t work.  The government succeeds at disarming.  It’s just that the targets are the ones without a way to propel bullets.

There’e another trillion dollars missing, and you’re going to be made to feel guilty.  The economy’s being run into a wall if the motion seems like progress.  Perhaps the antidote to a lousy economy doesn’t kick in until after nine years, which means our criticism of Barack Obama was mean and impulsive.  As penance, we should admit the nation needs more redistribution to counter semipermanent woe.  Sure, stagnation was caused by deciding big earners needed to share in the first place.  But we’re talking about fairness here, so give up what’s yours.

Uninterrupted access to political offices is a common trait among many moaning they can’t affect events.  Those who proclaim government can bring peace and keep your plants alive even if you never water them feign paralyzation as soon as anything bad happens.  The problem in the first place is the amount of power they have, which is to say massive.  Our condition plummets the more they seize, so it’s a good thing consequences don’t exist.  Why do bad things happen when they’re in charge?  Talk about tough luck.  Please don’t do any research into causality, as it’s the one thing this White House won’t fund.

Lucky you gets to choose between two angry humans who claim to embody your frowny nature.  Hillary whines about those who suffered under her beliefs.  Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s entire campaign is about stoking resentment, which is exactly what we’d expect from an unappreciative brat who should’ve put his inheritance in bonds if he wanted to be rich. It’s best to preemptively bitch when losing is certain.

Each faith-shaking candidate acts childishly no matter how they’re in their seventh and eighth decades, respectively.  Blaming others is discouraged among kindergarteners. Someone else must’ve been supposed to keep the casino profitable and help the ambassador.

The chance of having barbarians smash your skull and meager material goods is a fact of life, according to people who strangled the economy while brushing off the terror threat.  The omnipotent, benevolent government can’t fix this dang economy or stop fiends who want to murder us.  But they will issue blankets to victims.  Handouts are the ultimate docile response to initial fecklessness.

Another lecture about this bleak existence’s meaningless should assuage your depression.  Modern leaders scoff at self-reliance, and not just for ulterior motives involving their own utter lack of skills.  They either don’t realize they have the power to affect events or realize how bad they are at it.  Those who want the government in everything think it’s too feeble to alter events.  Meanwhile, they don’t trust you with decisions.

Trumping Test

We may as well get some use out of the stupidest year in recent memory. For one, utilize the chance to notice who doesn’t think the apocalypse is uncomfortable.  The vacancies mean more elbow room. This election isn’t just a chance to get t-shirts printed indicating the wearer survived the worst one ever.  Nobody wearing a shoddy red hat is allowed to buy one.

It’s been helpful to see who’s exposed as lunatics. Spot them by how they responded to the problem of establishment liberals running as Republicans by nominating a wannabe establishment autocrat.  These are precisely the sort of dupes you want to face in poker.  The problem is you’d have to be in the same room with them. At least it wouldn’t be at Trump Plaza.

Let contemptible conditions make it easy to know who’s reliable.  There has to be some value in suffering though the race to become the 45th-worst president.  Suspicions have been confirmed, so thank your gut.

The choice is clear from the candidate down.  Everyone you thought seemed trustworthy has come through as possessing enough integrity to oppose the most public Republican shame imaginable.  The wisest among us know Donald Trump’s atrocious ideas are only tempered by his ineffectiveness.  By contrast, everyone who seemed fishy has confirmed it with their support for a phony so conspicuous that he’d be too blatant as an Ayn Rand villain. Those who were creepy as a hobby turned it into a career.  As with Trump’s deserted outlets, the wise consumer takes business elsewhere.

There was something a little off about every pundit and Twitter personality before the People’s Republic of Trumpistan was established.  Applying for passports just made it obvious. Mute them as a sign they failed the integrity test like their hero’s attempt to sell hot dogs on QVC. Some purported conservatives sure are eager to vote for a New York City leftist posing as a titan.  They can use whatever descriptor they prefer.  Like the Constitution, the meaning doesn’t change. Followers would know that if they worshiped someone a little more bookish.

Talk radio needs something about which to talk.  Let’s manufacture outrage to ensure every hour is filled.  Nobody listens if everyone’s happy. Conspiratorial alarm will keep listeners tuned into their transistor radios with extra batteries on-hand.  Professional blatherers don’t want solutions: they want ratings.  Could they just defend a competent president from critics?  Nah: there’s not nearly enough anger.  Advertisers might bail on a show that expressed relief at the insurance mandate’s repeal.  Lucky yappers have subjects about which to complain through at least 2021.

Stoking outrage is how marginal ranters compensate for lack of useful skills.  Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity want you to be as nasty, catty, and lunkheaded, respectively.  But don’t hug the Trump anchor just because they duct-taped themselves to it.

Shrill commentators’ only principle is keeping you angry, as invective is easier than explaining why free trade helps raise compensation more than minimum wages.  At least those who think a despot-admiring statist embodies the new conservatism seem bright.  I’m no meaner than they are.  You can align your intellect with Eric Bolling.  I’m putting on classic rock radio instead of Fox News.

Fans of an artificial tyrant don’t believe in natural rights.  They’d have to know what the term means first.  It’s easier to complain that bartering with Mexico is how they steal our souls.  Trade without special favors sounds exhausting, so the tacky sect instead just wants someone who promises revenge.  Perpetual resentment needs an outlet, which Rush Limbaugh provides by praising a fellow showman with no ideals.

There’s one industry that’ll hopefully be as obsolete as the buggy whip factory by the time this dreadful election is over.  Realizing who foisted the worst candidate possible on Republicans when they faced such a beatable Democrat will hopefully mean the end of the commentary class.  Genuine conservatives know some industries decline as part of free exchange. Let the nasty Trump endorsers be victims of the economy they secretly love to condemn.

Those who take it as faith that Trump is worth as much as he claims can’t even add.  Remember the only choice is between yacht club de facto liberals and nasty nationalists who seem a little too proud of their pasty complexions.  Note the latter by how they list the failures of conservatism using such notable right-wingers as, um, George W. Bush, John McCain, and Bob Dole as examples. If citing big federal spenders is not galling enough, their solution of handing the keys to someone eating garbage out of a golden can is sure to work.

Sowing misery is the wrong type of free market solution.  Those who talk for a living in lieu of thinking condemn purported impurity.  You’re much better off aligning with the mental patient in the Chinese-made suit. The fury-insult complex relies on listeners as joyless as the hosts are, so the cure lies in the audience.  All it takes is pressing the square.  For now, suckers entranced by Trump as a profession are creating a problem to never solve.  America needs a solution that those seduced by a proud adulterer can’t ponder clearly enough to provide.

Perhaps bipartisanship will help, like everyone noting the Republican contender leads a band of suckers as gullible as the mush-skulled non-working drones they claim to condemn.  The only fun part of 2016 has been watching mockers of Obama’s cult worship a fake god, condemn statism as they praise a big-government goon, and boast of their intellect as they fall for a con that makes three-card monte look sophisticated.

Their unhealthy obsession with charging weakness among everyone else is my favorite.  If it’s so obvious, they shouldn’t have to say it.  Trump fans we’ll never trust again can take the realization they pimped a delusion as an invitation to shut the hell up.  I’m just saying what I’m thinking as they like.

Golden Anchor

Count dragging fellow winners to the ocean floor as just one more success for the Republican candidate.  Let’s look for treasure in the trench. He won’t even charge you for the spray paint that makes it gold and therefore classy.  Anyone who notices the listing better inflate the floaties.  There’s a whole party for Donald Trump to taint if you think he’ll never follow through on anything.

Like losing money on owning roulette tables, this hideous election will bring shame long after it’s over.  The regrettable affiliation is not going to end just because an egomaniac gets whooped by the worst Democrat imaginable.  Waking up won’t end this nightmare.  The Party of Coolidge will now be linked to a statist with hideous ideas on creating wealth who thinks bragging about the applause he got in a hall packed with his henchmen is the classy path to take.  It’ll be hard fitting why the connection isn’t whole in one tweet.

Maybe it’s you who are too modest.  For those who still experience the humiliation of decency, taking a step from the man who considers bragging a virtue is inadequate. You’re still at a Justin Bieber concert even if you’re in different sections. “I’m a Republican but not like him” is not a convincing slogan.  You’d need a second bumper sticker to explain the context.  Having to note you don’t think a Supreme Court nominee should spur insurrection is just the latest example of how a faker who knows nothing of conservatism makes life difficult for Thomas Sowell’s fan club. The burst penthouse pipes damage the entire structure.  Trump will reverse the bad deal with gravity.

There’s no chance for sophisticated debate while fake rape accuser and actual molester Lena Dunham is representing a party.  Try to explain the difference between mutual commerce and letting a politician too dim to manage inventory sell business rights.  Then try to explain long division to a dog.  Voters don’t scrutinize details; after all, some of them brought us Donald.

The most simplified take imaginable is necessary in the time of Snapchat. Analyzing nuances isn’t going to work on people who still think Mitt Romney hates Big Bird.  Republicans are for businesses and Trump embodies both, according to those who think socialism means helping each other.  Many are eligible to vote.

Your Republican conman is proficient buying special treatment, including from the similarly awful woman he faces.  Paying rent at city hall, the governor’s mansion, or Capitol somehow became equated with unfettered capitalism.  I blame schools funded by a similar process. Point out government’s job is to monitor fraud without siding with either party to inspire bafflement.  You may as well explain to people born post-1990 why you blew into video game cartridges to get them to work.

Subtlety is not treasured in a rather noisy ecosystem.  Pump out your distorted theory as quickly as possible to imprint it on impatient modern brains.  Facts only get in the way of narrative.  Heck, there are people among us who think Trump is a multibillionaire.  Ask to borrow five dollars for lunch, and he might turn you down for reasons beyond being a miserly jerk.

It’s already frustrating to point out the scummy peddling of politician-sanctioned benefits is not capitalism.  The ostensible GOP figurehead embodies exactly the sort of rent-seeking favoritism Hayek readers have been condemning, in part because they’re tired of free trade being linked to costly dealmakers.

Many pre-Trump Republicans spent quite a bit of your money cutting deals that pretend special consideration for any particular business embody capitalism.  Now, the outlaw candidate wants to inject the same corrupt system with meth.  Enjoy eating before your teeth fall out.

Democrats are just more open about babysitting your debit card.  The eminent domain aficionado doesn’t want to take over the takeover system in the name of open negotiation, either: he’s just hoping to bribe his constituency.  Red-hatted ensigns have formed a queue.  The most depressing part of a thoroughly melancholy year is how many resentful voters want their own goon to dole out plundered treasure.  Now that’s relaxing.

Maybe the boat won’t sink as quickly from the aft.  It’s a slight relief to not defend any candidate’s inevitable foolish lapses, especially seeing as ineptness is the norm with these particular two.  Unfamiliar emotions make these days even more confusing.  We’ve discovered it’s possible to be angry and upset this is happening yet still feel detached form it.  Jason Voorhees is smashing through our cabin door, and we watch like it’s a movie.  The machete looks sharp.

There’s enough alienation among those who want the freedom to earn in a way neither candidate ever has.  The sensible folks left don’t care about the election yet know its results will royally roger the country.  Those who both know and care how this country is supposed to work are in for a long political exile.  So, take joy in unencumbered wandering.  At least there’s no curfew.  Even better, there are no suckers to defend, so let the idiots attack each other. You may be related to Jerry Springer guests, but you don’t have to be onstage.

Trump fans would never fall for a politician promising to cure the sick. They just want a guy who will magically make them rich by shoving mean high school classmates into lockers.  Oh, and he wants single-payer health insurance.  The same purportedly cynical types who mocked the thought Obama would usher in peace before starting the jukebox by hitting it hope Trump will bring glory to their unfulfilling lives.  Their hero will reverse all the mean things life has done to them, because they’re totally not compensating with online rage.

Backward economic ideas that would’ve found a home in the less classy Germany are all the rage in very modern America. That wall Berlin had seemed to work; are those guys around to build it?  It’s bad enough for anyone to believe a trade war with everyone but our new Russian pals will engender pleasantness.  But it’s particularly appalling for a party that defeated communism through free exchange of blue jeans to turn nationalistic in a centralized way.  Take our names off this.

Pain As Experience

Use your imagination before it withers like an ignored muscle.  For example, imagine a needle sticking in an actual muscle.  We should be able to imagine that puncturing the skin is unpleasant; in fact, it’s the one thing keeping me off intravenous drugs.  Stirring angel dust into Mountain Dew reportedly isn’t as effective.  Regardless, I’d prefer an hourly tetanus shot to monitoring this election.  Life is nothing more than a serious of scrapes to endure, so we may as well remember where the potholes are in order to avoid leaving more skin on the pavement.  Those who need proof it’ll be bad should look at the bloody trail.

If you’re going to get pushed around, it may as well be by the person for whom you voted.  These are uncommonly inspirational times.  We could try just letting Americans be free to go off on their own and negotiate with whom they wish, but where’s the revenge in that? Appreciate the few certainties we have, like how either candidate would make us miss the simple days of roasting marshmallows on tire fires.  Sweets are to be discouraged as a contribution to communal health expenses. Toast celery instead.

The disastrous application of extended power is a shared interest of both parties.  The difference is one form of limp fascism will be blamed on right-wing capitalism.  It’ll be the one that enjoyed a brief flirtation with obeying the Constitution and its proscriptions against legal harassment of free men. To be fair, trickle-down economics is cited as cause of crises during the eight-year bout with statism.  Some get caught stealing from grandpa’s lockbox and still blame it on the nurse.

I’m sorry to interrupt whatever phone game is worth wandering into traffic.  But this may be a good time to use the same device to learn history using an app that permits accessing every fact ever.  Studying is not as bad as it sounds: think of it like reading gossip blogs from ancient times.  Just absorb enough olden anecdotes to notice patterns.  When life seems like unconnected randomness, people end up thinking they can’t improve themselves without antagonizing countries who send us goods in exchange for our volunteered dollars.

Let’s be optimistic.  Try the same things again and see if it changes, like leaving oysters at room temperature in the hopes they’ll stay fresh. Fans of big government shouldn’t be smug about their allegedly pro-science stance when extensive experimentation has demonstrated the folly of letting Chuck Schumer approve business deals.  America has become the Cleveland Browns of world events without the benefit of a high draft pick to waste.  In lieu of a basketball title to assuage our pain, accept another ten trillion dollars in debt.

Sometimes, a kick in the groin isn’t enough to know the experience is unpleasant.  The next time may tickle, so re-crank that leg.  The frightening part is people can endure the pain and still not learn.  The past eight years have been a tolerance test. Apparently, enough of the electorate wanted to prove they could endure at least 50 percent more.  You’ve already shown your resilience, so why keep shredding money?  Brace for another four years of treating comically villainous foes as chums while hoping the economy thrives if we let you spend less of what you’ve earned.

We’re doomed for more collectivism no matter who wins.  See how noticing trends can help?  Rent-seeking conglomerates and shifty Russians will benefit, unlike those who’ve been conditioned to bitch that only the president with the same decoder ring can cure unfairness.  Cruel irony can still be appropriate.  Everyone locked out has to fear brokenness in more ways than one.  That minimum wage hike will make you rich starting next week, so don’t worry about working for a promotion.

Pursuing the same policies that caused us to smash into the sea doesn’t seem like adept piloting.  We’re supposed to learn from previous nose dives.  Instead, well-informed modern man either doesn’t realize what’s failing or thinks we haven’t plummeted fast enough.  The only other explanation is outright ignorance, and that doesn’t sound like anyone we know.

The thought of unshackled life is terrifying.  Get a taste of fresh air and beg to be let back in prison.  The yard wasn’t that brutal, right?  A memory can’t disappear if it’s never created.  Tough experiences are useless if we don’t learn how to avoid them.  The next election will bring the competent managers of centralized prosperity through glorious submission.  If not, another pain term will just be evidence that we need to vote more faithfully.