Endangered Republicans

There’s no reason to expect a fresh round of cleverness in a country where Republicans can choose… him as nominee.  But, as with dreaming the Tangerine Messiah’s candidacy won’t destroy the republic, we can hope to at least get rid of lame slurs in favor of inventing original cheap shots.  In these excessively dull times, the semi-acronym “RINO” is the most tired charge available. People who do nothing but insult others should be able to think of better ones.

Maybe we could learn new ways to hurt each other’s feelings.  A lousy economy brings benefits like more elbow room thanks to vacancies. Find positive facets where you can.  On that note, at least we’ll hear less of the favorite Twitter attack based on the rate at which lifeboat occupancy is shrinking. Every obnoxious faux-celebrity-worshiping dupe still left in the party will literally only be a Republican in name. There’s nothing keeping them together but harassing those shrewd enough to leave.  If this singularly unsuitable cur is who you choose to run Lincoln’s party, you can have it.

As anyone who tries to identify fellow humans by gender can testify, words don’t mean much anymore.  Take the accusation that one is not truly a Republican, which stings less with every Trump tweet.  The sigh-inducing pejorative “RINO” has changed meaning in a world where voters who think Marco Rubio isn’t conservative enough back a Hillary-donating statist.

The laziest of AM radio slanders used to at least contain some accuracy. It was often hurled at someone who wasn’t a conservative despite the vague association the party shared with that particular philosophy. Human turtle Mitch McConnell embodies both animals.  Being a Republican was like cheering for a club you joined because you happened to belong to it.  Such a group is not self-sustaining.  But turning a party that stood up to the commies into a pro-Putin vanity project only accelerates the decline.

If this clown car bomb is what the Republican Party now is, I don’t want to be a member in name or otherwise.  Wear whatever wig you’d like. The motley assemblage of reality show rejects and earnest caps lock fans you’ve muted on Twitter isn’t home to anything resembling a desire for reduction in federal power.  We couldn’t drown this government in a bathtub unless said government builds one the size of the southwestern states on all the damn land it owns. And that would take decades.  Trillions from your paychecks later, it’d leak, as well.  President Trump would order the water to stay.

RINO gets an updated definition in a year where being honest is conflated with a lack of matters.  It now refers to anyone who hasn’t pulled their ripcord.  The ground is actually getting farther away, you see. Trump’s personality trumps ideology.  Of all the crummy jerks to worship, the man who couldn’t sell football to Americans is the rudest.  You’re right: doing an oaf’s bidding is way better than buying insurance across state lines.

Ask why you’re worshiping a leader.  Anyone with good ideas shouldn’t expect it.  The ideals are more important than the person.  Yes, our Reagan shrines take up lots of closet space.  But it’s because he stood for flipping off both the Soviet Union and the IRS.  Now, a plurality of primary voters gave up notions of obeying the nation’s legal guidelines in favor of a guy you wouldn’t let be the Monopoly banker.  Thanks to such misplaced faith, party membership is now restricted to dupes who think inheriting a slumlord’s fortune embodies greatness.  At least they stand for something.

Republicans are now the party of weak strongmen.  Trump claims he’ll rule like Mussolini but would be disregarded like Jimmy Carter. The emptiness of his boasts could be the only thing that makes them less loathsome.  Sadly, we’re coping with eight years of a presidency that demonstrates the grave consequences of uselessly running one’s mouth.  In case anyone hasn’t heard, the incumbent is a Democrat.  To be fair, Trump is, too.

It used to be selling out would at least buy votes.  Relinquishing ground to New Dealers was a scuzzy attempt to stay in power.  Now, the Republican candidate is rude because he equates being a horse’s ass with honesty. The party will get none of the principles of liberty or benefits of abandoning them.  It’s great otherwise.  Such a reportedly successful businessman should at least get something out of it, but this deal is as artless as his plot to sell hamburgers on television.

The contender’s arbitrary standards are applied steadily.  The Romneycare guy wasn’t pure enough but a commandeering single-payer fan is. The ultimate RINO has made the party his unsettling cult’s clubhouse. Those left in the Eagle’s Nest accuse George W. Bush fans of selling out to liberals as they back a trade war-waging abortion enthusiast.  It used to be the alliance included cardholders who believed only in doling out enough taxpayer lucre to win elections. Those were the days when the party stood for something.  Meeting standards is easier when they’re so lax.

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