Trumping Test

We may as well get some use out of the stupidest year in recent memory. For one, utilize the chance to notice who doesn’t think the apocalypse is uncomfortable.  The vacancies mean more elbow room. This election isn’t just a chance to get t-shirts printed indicating the wearer survived the worst one ever.  Nobody wearing a shoddy red hat is allowed to buy one.

It’s been helpful to see who’s exposed as lunatics. Spot them by how they responded to the problem of establishment liberals running as Republicans by nominating a wannabe establishment autocrat.  These are precisely the sort of dupes you want to face in poker.  The problem is you’d have to be in the same room with them. At least it wouldn’t be at Trump Plaza.

Let contemptible conditions make it easy to know who’s reliable.  There has to be some value in suffering though the race to become the 45th-worst president.  Suspicions have been confirmed, so thank your gut.

The choice is clear from the candidate down.  Everyone you thought seemed trustworthy has come through as possessing enough integrity to oppose the most public Republican shame imaginable.  The wisest among us know Donald Trump’s atrocious ideas are only tempered by his ineffectiveness.  By contrast, everyone who seemed fishy has confirmed it with their support for a phony so conspicuous that he’d be too blatant as an Ayn Rand villain. Those who were creepy as a hobby turned it into a career.  As with Trump’s deserted outlets, the wise consumer takes business elsewhere.

There was something a little off about every pundit and Twitter personality before the People’s Republic of Trumpistan was established.  Applying for passports just made it obvious. Mute them as a sign they failed the integrity test like their hero’s attempt to sell hot dogs on QVC. Some purported conservatives sure are eager to vote for a New York City leftist posing as a titan.  They can use whatever descriptor they prefer.  Like the Constitution, the meaning doesn’t change. Followers would know that if they worshiped someone a little more bookish.

Talk radio needs something about which to talk.  Let’s manufacture outrage to ensure every hour is filled.  Nobody listens if everyone’s happy. Conspiratorial alarm will keep listeners tuned into their transistor radios with extra batteries on-hand.  Professional blatherers don’t want solutions: they want ratings.  Could they just defend a competent president from critics?  Nah: there’s not nearly enough anger.  Advertisers might bail on a show that expressed relief at the insurance mandate’s repeal.  Lucky yappers have subjects about which to complain through at least 2021.

Stoking outrage is how marginal ranters compensate for lack of useful skills.  Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity want you to be as nasty, catty, and lunkheaded, respectively.  But don’t hug the Trump anchor just because they duct-taped themselves to it.

Shrill commentators’ only principle is keeping you angry, as invective is easier than explaining why free trade helps raise compensation more than minimum wages.  At least those who think a despot-admiring statist embodies the new conservatism seem bright.  I’m no meaner than they are.  You can align your intellect with Eric Bolling.  I’m putting on classic rock radio instead of Fox News.

Fans of an artificial tyrant don’t believe in natural rights.  They’d have to know what the term means first.  It’s easier to complain that bartering with Mexico is how they steal our souls.  Trade without special favors sounds exhausting, so the tacky sect instead just wants someone who promises revenge.  Perpetual resentment needs an outlet, which Rush Limbaugh provides by praising a fellow showman with no ideals.

There’s one industry that’ll hopefully be as obsolete as the buggy whip factory by the time this dreadful election is over.  Realizing who foisted the worst candidate possible on Republicans when they faced such a beatable Democrat will hopefully mean the end of the commentary class.  Genuine conservatives know some industries decline as part of free exchange. Let the nasty Trump endorsers be victims of the economy they secretly love to condemn.

Those who take it as faith that Trump is worth as much as he claims can’t even add.  Remember the only choice is between yacht club de facto liberals and nasty nationalists who seem a little too proud of their pasty complexions.  Note the latter by how they list the failures of conservatism using such notable right-wingers as, um, George W. Bush, John McCain, and Bob Dole as examples. If citing big federal spenders is not galling enough, their solution of handing the keys to someone eating garbage out of a golden can is sure to work.

Sowing misery is the wrong type of free market solution.  Those who talk for a living in lieu of thinking condemn purported impurity.  You’re much better off aligning with the mental patient in the Chinese-made suit. The fury-insult complex relies on listeners as joyless as the hosts are, so the cure lies in the audience.  All it takes is pressing the square.  For now, suckers entranced by Trump as a profession are creating a problem to never solve.  America needs a solution that those seduced by a proud adulterer can’t ponder clearly enough to provide.

Perhaps bipartisanship will help, like everyone noting the Republican contender leads a band of suckers as gullible as the mush-skulled non-working drones they claim to condemn.  The only fun part of 2016 has been watching mockers of Obama’s cult worship a fake god, condemn statism as they praise a big-government goon, and boast of their intellect as they fall for a con that makes three-card monte look sophisticated.

Their unhealthy obsession with charging weakness among everyone else is my favorite.  If it’s so obvious, they shouldn’t have to say it.  Trump fans we’ll never trust again can take the realization they pimped a delusion as an invitation to shut the hell up.  I’m just saying what I’m thinking as they like.

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