The Sighs of the Machines

Efficiency means one person can do twice as much, which puts half of us out of work.  Why do you align with cyborgs who destroy humans by making them starve instead of using death lasers, robo-quisling?  The future-bound economy is such a drag in this vintage era.  Take these decadent tractors keeping comrades unemployed while kulaks harvest profits.  Smash the objects so we can increase employment through tilling by hand.  An idiotic president who claimed the convenience of ATMs hurt his precious economy should realize that’s what he’s demanding. But it’s easier to pretend we’re getting rich while never getting to three percent GDP.

I want the same job as now until I get my gold watch.  I also find all these television channels distracting, so let’s go back to getting three if your antenna’s good.  The free market’s efficiencies eliminate jobs, which is cruel if you think people should be working in the same careers available during the Studebaker era.

Let’s take the initiative about returning to employment of yore.  Get our cards back from the aforementioned ATMs before throwing them into the sea to create reefs; station humans with cartons of 20s to satisfy bank patrons.  Smash air conditioners to preserve lifeguard positions. And crush the cars that have put carriage drivers on the dole for over a century.  Let’s help the Earth by never generating anything new but smashing jobs.

Can we pass a law guaranteeing full employment?  I think they tried it in a previous version of Russia, and it turned out so well that they dissolved out of boredom with success. Making people feel good by paying them for superfluous tasks may require lots more destruction of items with microchips in them.  But we should want people doing the mindless and backbreaking work we arrogantly hand off to apparatuses.  That’s not even to mention it’s best to strike before gadgets achieve sentience.  Puny humans too distressed from job-hunting won’t even feel like charging lasers to fight back.

The process of doing more with fewer people is what businesses dream of achieving.  Customers feel the same way unless they want workers standing around factored into prices.  It’s unbelievable that it needs to be said, but jobs are going to become antiquated thanks to this darn trend called progress.  Ignorance of value hastens employment elimination, so that’s good news if big government fans were trying to make people irrelevant.

Let’s raise the minimum wage above what work is worth and watch managers turn to contraptions toiling for zero dollars per hour.  To be fair, that doesn’t include tips. Burgerflipper 3000 better pay taxes to fund welfare for the poor slobs whose jobs he took.

Speaking of progress, there are now no parties that understand efficiency is both inevitable and beneficial since a minority of Republican primary voters thought a 1930s Democrat would lead them into the future.  The only thing worse than New Deal hipsters complaining about manufacturing jobs that disappeared half a century ago is not knowing the reason they’re gone.  There are machines that make items now.

Man doesn’t have to engage in automated drudgery to pay bills anymore. They can instead focus on new opportunities which are bound to arrive until the antidote for initiative can be dumped into tap water. Ingenuity may also be paused by politicians who think workers having to learn new skills constitutes a crime against humanity.  Put a drag on advancement to help poor benighted constituents.

Note leaders who don’t realize the economy changes by how they’ve never run businesses before, at least not successfully. Owners of profitable slot machines can tell you patterns are uncanny. Americans don’t have to work in primitive factories anymore, even if the dingy atmosphere felt secure in its way.  Let the economy improve naturally.  If we don’t turn abandoned warehouses into lofts now, where will hipsters live?  Manpower could be applied to more stimulating paycheck generation. But we must ensure progress isn’t hurting anyone by ensuring none of it is made.

Let’s head back to the caves.  This year has been about reversing gains made in knowledge and understanding.  We should make it official by living in a more outdoorsy environment. Natural holes in rocks have a lower carbon footprint, so a more rustic lifestyle helps both the planet and unemployment rate. Troglodytes starved unless they worked every moment they were awake.  Overtime was part of the deal.  It was for the best since looking at a fire was how they killed hours instead of playing SimCity BuildIt.

The prom queen and varsity quarterback refuse to release the past. Hillary and Trump weren’t even popular in high school, but they want you to think everyone wanted their signatures in yearbooks.  Voters should have at least one candidate who doesn’t threaten those who do business globally.  You have some nerve to trade with someone other than Americans, Ivan.  Contemporary conventional wisdom takes companies getting fed up with preposterous regulations and mortifyingly high taxes as a sign something’s wrong with them, not us.

Welcome to the Jetsons age.  A variety of cyber emporiums will bring any product to your door, so that negates the need for flying cars.  Here in the futuristic present, we don’t have to spend life drudging away doing a device’s job on an assembly line anymore.  We let more congested nations do that.  This is America, and we sit and look at screens while getting paid if we’d like.

Supporters of both backward aspiring tyrants are upset that machines or foreigners are doing simple work that broke your grandpa’s back.  The unwillingness to adapt is very visionary.  Instead, they want to go back in time.  Enjoy looking for antiquated jobs in the past.

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