Getting Bossed

It’s hard for those who profess hatred of politicians to maintain it while being exploited by them.  Getting played by non-athletes means you’re not about to make the Olympics, so ditch that grueling training regimen.  Sports success results from recognizing patterns, like being suckered by the same promises every election.  Watching all that college football was training to learn about life.

Getting stepped on is going to remain grueling until one learns from the doormat treatment.  There’s no honor in being used to scrape shoes.  It’s not good for souls.  But maybe the next person to rub dirt into you will do so out of respect.  Like getting burned by a charlatan speaking in technicalities to hide corruption or explaining why the loser media reported that a closed business failed, this time will be different.

Check your potential messiah’s track record.  I know it seems like a betrayal of faith.  But there’s nothing supernatural about these quite fallible choices.  A self-alleged big shot can’t help you if he’s unable to keep his enterprises open.  Trump appeals to seething trolls who’ve long since forgotten the possibility of self-help. Let’s fight the establishment with a picture whore whose biggest claim to fame is making semi-celebrities succeed at goofy tasks in a way he never has.

Saying so makes it so.  At least, Trump has convinced an influential sliver it’s true.  The curtain is unraveling, probably because he had it made in China like his tissue-thin shirts. He’s most famous for telling you he didn’t screw up despite the smoldering ruins behind him.  Trump would commandeer the Pac-Man joystick and lose your quarter to the ghosts in 10 seconds. I’m sure he’s quite honestly claimed to see the crazy screen on level 256.  A guy whose entire shtick revolves around his purported fondness for the art of the deal won’t let you make one.

Hillary is uniquely qualified to be the one candidate who isn’t Trump.  She’s transparent at being fake if that counts.  Her pathetic attempts at positivity have only been public since Crystal Pepsi was disgusting in the first place and not just a throwback gimmick, so don’t feel bad if you’re just learning she’s a bit lax with the truth.  Keeping up on such news might prevent a future similarly awkward situation where the most unsuitable human imaginable cruises into office despite who she is and how she’s linked to two different bungling presidents.

As is befitting of a rich lady with zero useful skills who condemns earned wealth, Hillary demands fealty. How can we nuke Wall Street together otherwise?  Her core suspicion remains that everyone but her is a bungler requiring central planning to function. She’d count the silverware if she invited you for a dinner not made by her. Such a meal would cost you more than one at Red Lobster. Sure, she brings together people. It’s just that they’re united in knowing she’s a phony human sincere in her willingness to sell your Grandma’s soul in order to feel powerful.  But at least she wants to punish success.

Let’s come together.  The fact these doofuses represent technically different choices don’t change the fact both are running cults. Recruitment campaigns are not just distracting from their respective glaring inability to succeed without thorough shadiness, although that’s part of it.  Each assures you they’re personally qualified to charismatically alter society to your liking despite their hideous principles.  Know that whatever they profess can be changed for the right price if you don’t like it.  No matter what happens, the next president will use federal power to get back at those some consider bullies.  At least there’s bipartisan overlap.

There aren’t even laughs in doom.  Flabby henchmen fail to exhibit any signs of cleverness despite how they see themselves as the new Bob Sagets, an inevitable outcome when purported tough-talking conservatives pledge allegiance to a wayward Hillary donor.  It’s so obvious both despondent options are being wholly patronizing toward gullible adherents.  Advertising suckers many even though it shouldn’t.  So, that’s why Flo from Progressive has been causing murderous thoughts for years.

Watering down bad ideas is the best hope in what’s turned out to be humanity’s stupidest year.  Technological advancements really did make people dim.  Anyone who dislikes science fiction should stop making it come true.  The only shelter from the appalling hopefuls’ hideous concepts is how bad they’d be at enacting them.  But the nitwit allies have already damaged much.

The worst thing about what two bad candidates sold is how many millions of humans brought them.  Donald and Hillary unwittingly proved how easy it is to warp perception.  At least there’s an excuse for those who resisted a pair of appalling pitches to drink.  At least, it’s yet another excuse.

Anyone still shaking their heads in horror at how this most improbable scenario unfolded may as well have perception warped by intoxication.  After all, many sober people rallied behind the autocratic dreams of two disgusting pretenders who claim particular extralegal orders will bring you elusive bliss. The dupes are sure to feel much more positive once they realize they’ve been scammed again.  Please learn instead of growing more resentful.

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