Tuneless Songs of Praise

Nothing’s conservative like a cult of personality. Place your faith in a single dude who will reward your allegiance with prizes funded by sucker dissenters.  It serves them right for voting incorrectly.  Abstaining from choices A or B is to be punished severely, as the quaint dedication to liberty is contrary to progress through submission.  The hero trying to convincingly read the case for an armed citizenry off an index card should placate the concerns of any babies attached to autonomy.

Perhaps I was a little rash in the previous paragraph: we may not get limited government worshiping one guy.  Even worse, it’s this guy.  Donald Trump is an outsider for a reason. There’s value in having been previously elected, as a lower office allows us to see how the hopeful performs under stress. The probationary period isn’t always heeded, which is how Senator Obama got promoted despite frequent absences and self-aggrandizing tendencies when he bothered to show up. But ignoring the review is the hirer’s fault.

A previous contest lets us know if there’s a conflict on the way.  And winning is a good chance to be humbled by experience.  We usually employ hopefuls who’ve learned how to reset the router and know who is pilfering break room granola bars.  Those who loathe government should appreciate the irony of serving within it.  If you want to destroy from the inside, you first need to know the layout.  Good luck attacking the Death Star without blueprints.  Talk about disrespecting Bothan deaths.

Don’t you want a wall that only lets through fair trade?  Your mouthy demigod will order everything you desire into being if you believe strongly enough.  I think it won’t work, so I’m locked out.  Teasing the wobbly figurehead is a risk I’m willing to assume.

Of the countless problems with an ineffective goon angrily promising bliss, the worst is how the strategy is Obamaesque.  Using executive power to counteract human nature and smash the nature of existence isn’t going to start working because of an “R” adjacent to the president’s name.  Those dedicated to a particular individual are convinced they know the answer that can’t be questioned.  Why are you for people dying on the sidewalk because they weren’t forced to buy insurance?  Ask single-payer fan Trump.

Don’t bow to anyone claiming salvation outside of a space with stained glass.  The refusal to worship any oaf applies to both public office speakers and those pimping them through your speakers.  At least Satan’s preferred election proves Rush Limbaugh is nothing but an entertainer, if you can call blowhard boasting and fealty to a petty hopeful despot entertaining.  Does he still talk about working for the Kansas City Royals?  Let me know if there are new details.  By contrast, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham were never pleasant to endure.  Placing that much faith in purportedly conservative broadcasters runs counter to principles they don’t really share.  As with pompous contenders, they may turn out to be schmucks.

Placing faith in ideas is fun, but how can you hang a concept’s portrait over the fireplace?  You could frame a copy of the Constitution, but those are rarer nowadays than a steady job.  Too many commenters supposedly committed to natural rights spend all their hours searching for the next Reagan, a great human president who should be admired and not venerated, by the way.  But they should start from the beliefs and work from there.  Even better, those wandering without direction can push these ideals themselves.  Living by principles takes toil, which sets a rare good example.

If this is truly the savior, congregants shouldn’t be nervous about criticism. Why scowl so much at doubters?  Take joy in their future suffering if you believe so strongly.  Phonies pimping anger have invested all faith in someone just as fuming.  The self-fueling rage loop is the only commercial activity both parties have created.  Nominating Trump is an afterthought when sputtering replaces foundations. May this race over glass shards at least serve as a market correction for faux-conservative ghastly yappers.

It’s odd how those who preach bleakness always happen to think the next election will be what finally makes them happy.  Don’t notice causes and effects, as that’s no longer conservative.  Everything will be better when it’s my guy shoving around other cliques.  Pick a more muscular bully next time.  Keep waiting for evidence Trump could shove a lawn chair with a stiff breeze’s assistance.  Pundits are full of conspiratorial rage that escapes when they’re near microphones.  Avoid being in earshot to ensure no poison is consumed aurally.

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