Write Down That Candidate


It’s always neat to learn something new.  Don’t wait to discover the fire extinguishers’ locations until after the inferno begins.  Speaking of raging blazes, this election inspires voters to learn about alternatives.  This is a perfect time for a how-to blog about where to ink the name of a beloved uncle, actor, or fictional character on a ballot.  The event deserves no less seriousness.

Write-in fun is the smallest way to redeem 2016, like watching a Ben Affleck movie to see how bad it can get.  Most of us have never figured out how to add who we want to the electoral process before.  But learning a new skill is stimulating, especially if it means not having to support either eating glass chips or drinking bleach.

This isn’t moral preening, as I don’t possess the capability for proper behavior.  I don’t care if it’s branded self-righteousness, as I will not be associated with either space demon vying to conquer puny humans on behalf of their respective home planets so they can mine Earth’s core for the alloys they need to sustain their diabolical beings.  There are already enough things about which I feel guilty.  A race where both top options are the worst possible is where I cash in on what Catholic school implanted. Yes, one will win, and that doesn’t mean I have to help either in any way.

Refusing to help steer toward the canyon floor is liberating.  I’m just going to recline my seat instead of pretending I can turn the vehicle. Sure, the country’s due for a collision no matter who wins.  But that’s no reason to volunteer to push weight toward the front.  We have to live under half of these twits, and the difference is some people are excited by the prospect.

Think of this election as a chance to care about what you’re not required to by force.  The prospect of choosing between the Hindenburg and Titanic forces yourself to focus on more pleasant journey.  Music sounds better and coffee seems tastier if you’re forced to escape from another term of oppressive mandates and doltish hassles.

Satan’s dream matchup inadvertently provides chances to appreciate diversions whichever arrogant dunce wins can’t take away.  The loser winner can only make material goods harder to acquire.  But punishing prosperity or trade can’t ruin novels and series binged upon to escape.

Just as each zombie faction claims, this election is indeed a binary choice.  Does either candidate deserve your support: yes or no? Well, it’s not precisely how the mathematically challenged claims it works.  Their candidates are as bad as their arithmetic.  You have every right to not tick the box for historically junky choices.

There are more avenues of personal relief than acknowledged.  You can find a third, fourth, or higher-number party candidate lower on the ballot.  The names don’t stop after the top two, you know.  Fringe candidates won’t be out-kooked this year.  The fact that skipping an election altogether isn’t commonly mentioned as a choice shows a remarkable commitment to voting no matter how stupid the outcome is.

Nobody checks to make sure you voted for every line.  Of course, you can also still show up in your closest high school gym and vote for your congressman and local dictator. Skip the regrettable title bout for interesting local fights. Spare a thought for those sad souls who claim you’re wasting your vote, as they presumably can’t tell you what kind of music they like until they consult iTunes to see what’s selling well.

Can I offer a reminder how special you are?  Use a tough scenario as an opportunity to express personality by supporting who you’d like.  Add any name you’d like to what’s your ticket.  One of the few things I’ve enjoyed about 2016 is the prospect of writing in the eternally awesome Alice Cooper, a man who’s been running for 12 elections. Now’s his time.

Supporting an all-time rocker with an infinite capacity for the macabre who will bring his guillotine to the Oval Office has been my plan for months, and I’ve seen nothing in this horror show election that’s dissuaded me.  This race makes Mister Cooper’s nightmarish shows seem less frightening by comparison.

Who will attend state funerals and cut ribbons at new Dairy Queens when the president is busy in concert?  I’m adding the mighty Iowahawk as the ticket’s second name, an honor seeing as how it’s less work.  Let’s put “vice” in “vice president” with someone serious about leaving others the hell alone.  Sure, I have ulterior motives: my endorsement comes in hope the Cooper/Burge ticket will nominate me to the Supreme Court, as it’s about time they had a non-lawyer helping decide.  I don’t have a J.D. but know you shouldn’t have to buy crummy insurance.  I could use a government job.

A rebellious vote may not affect the election, although I am a dreamer about the Prince of Darkness’s chances. What’s important is how you’ll always know who you chose.  Don’t worry about maneuvering strategically while declaring what you believe.  We can only try to ensure the sliver for “neither” is large enough to alarm those sad enough to track on behalf of crummy parties.  One vote does make a difference, namely to your ability to fall asleep.  This election goes worlds beyond a mildly nagging conscience over backing the Romneycare guy.  Keep your name clear.

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