Vote No

The only thing more unpleasant than the people are their ideas.  But this election’s been so fun.  Neither option is clever, which may be the worst thing about a year where rock bottom is the ceiling.  I yearn for the days of merely dull possibilities.  It’s a blessing we no longer get to back that decent fellow who might not be as enthusiastic about repealing Obamacare as we’d hope.  Two candidates who lust to reign makes previously complex decisions much simpler.

This election is all about style.  Back the modestly-living grandparent who gets you.  The guy demanding you to believe that slapping his name in the gaudiest material possible on a few buildings makes him a business titan faces a lady who wants you to think that air miles and ignoring cries for help while genuflecting before villains makes her a stateswoman.  The best case is that one will lose.

We could at least get something more than lame replies from contenders who offer nothing but shots at each other.  Naming one witty thing uttered between the two supreme nitwits is the only challenge greater than determining what we did to deserve this.  Their compliments are as empty as the insults.  Context-free nasty barbs are actually pretty emblematic of our times.  The worst falsehood in a year defined by them is that a particularly slow-witted primate is entertaining when he slurs anyone who points out one of his ample flaws.  We couldn’t at least have an amusing voyage to Hell. Instead, we get lava splashing through the portholes.

Like crummy options, bad ideas never change.  Both unfortunately fortunate racers adhere to an ideology discredited so long ago it happened before either was born.  The next ostensible president will actively engage in benevolent guidance with an efficient allocation of resources you peasants couldn’t possibly understand.  Two impossibly selfish humans ordering others to share their relatively meager resources is making for the most pleasant contest ever.  You may have noticed as much from sunny news reports and genuine happiness among fellow citizens.

At least we can confirm existence is meaningless and choice is fiction. Our adrift globe is surrounded by a merciless void in an indifferent universe.  Take comfort in knowing our leader selection process reflects the innate absurdity of it all we attempt to deny.  I just wish it didn’t do so with such perfection.

Pick between a candidate who ignores limits versus one who doesn’t realize they exist.  Disrespect for the process is a given, so don’t fret looking for it in any voting guide.  There’s one choice in this election, but at least it’s shared by two people.  Both think the president orders prosperity into being, which is exactly what you’d expect from those who feel unearned wealth wasn’t enough to sustain relentless ambition.  It’s bipartisan when each major party fields someone dim enough in arrogance to think being entrusted with power is a license to create paradise via fiat.

It’s hard to claim this election matters when both dirtballs crudely scheme to take what’s yours.  The right to decisions is the most valuable possession after which each mental midget lusts.  You’ll still be able to vote, so don’t get paranoid; it just won’t matter. Only the most brainless zombie would be enthusiastic about the prospect of domination at the heel of either.  Voters can pick between two phony messiahs leading cults worth crossing the street to avoid.

One’s pet president will make dreams come true.  Worshipers sure are grumpy in faith.  Said dreams are more about destroying their enemies than actual happiness, which is particularly tragic seeing how much common ground both sides share.  Sure, one is more focused on loathing those who think a trade war would harm the economy while the other frets about important issues like demonizing anyone who maintains marriage involves two genders.  But cultural leftists all around are certain to be pleased with the result if they aren’t told the winner’s name.

The only thing preventing an electoral landslide is the other candidate. This is a neat way to have balance.  Each claims to be wondrous without explaining why being more popular than leprosy is so tricky. Perhaps horrid economic ideas from the 1930s and putdowns that would be rejected by Bazooka Joe comics aren’t helping.  Both are blessed to face such a horrid foe.  We’re not.

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