Lawyers are thankful for journalists, as it’s nice to have one profession closer to pond scum. Let me apologize to pond scum. As unpleasant, empty, useless, cynical empty-shell shells with no senses of humor, those who bring us the news are resentful that we notice patterns. That’s supposed to be their job. For one so easy, they sure are lousy at it.
Probably the worst thing about media members is how they’re damn disgusting liars who are a discredit to humanity. Their version of facts is mocked by the cosmos. Bias is to news what a lit match was to the Hindenburg, as both prove fatal to gasbags.
Take the gaggle of failed novelists’ contempt for a man they’d be surprised how often they agree with if his name was removed. It’s nice to have journalists back now that someone from the other side won and they therefore feel like working. Now, enterprising muckraker can make a reputation and, more importantly, a fortune off merely watching President Trump and writing down what he does. The drones are already angry they didn’t protect the Queen. They’re certainly not producing honey.
We’ll now see the difference between covering a president and covering for her. The pool is already jarred after preparing for the latter. At least respect the tireless work of the intrepid press corps: you try spending another four years of explaining why statist failures are the fault of conservatives.
“Liberal journalist” may be redundant. But challenging abusers who exploit advantages only extends so far. There’s an exemption from tough queries for corrupt politicians who, say, force us to go bankrupt buying crummy insurance. As a Republican for more federal control, Trump will create much cognitive dissonance among those very fairly covering someone they despise.
At least they may do their work. This thoroughly inept profession is supposed to speak truth to power, comforting the afflicted while afflicting the comfortable, and all that nonsense from the journalism classroom. I’ve been in those schools, and they’re the hellholes of academic snobbery you’d imagine: imagine a place filled with youngsters who want to be journalists. Horror movies don’t seem that scary.
Media bias may be the only thing more obvious than the impending president’s cluelessness. But its origin is far trickier to trace than Hillary’s virtual paper trail of littered classified documents. There will never be leaked memos reminding reporters to call guns “assault weapons” or frame tax cuts as something for which the government must pay, and not just because editors are too indolent to churn them out. You don’t need an official policy when every employee is presumed to believe it already.
The trouble lies in their mentality. To cover both sides, they’d need to consider that their foes could be misguided and not diabolical goblins who seek to destroy happiness. So, forget it. They’re just like general liberals.
Imagine being so sanctimonious as to dismiss dissent. Even worse, the beliefs purportedly beyond reproach have made us so broke that we forget to remember how much liberty we’ve ceded. Now say Republicans want the uninsured to die in the streets just to see what it feels like. After all, it’s what Trump thinks.
Framing wretchedly dull liberalism as the only reasonable choice is far more insidious than admitting to partisanship. Why don’t you want the government helping the poor? How could you oppose equality with your hateful take on dual-gender marriage? And why were you sexist against having the first lady president? Use language the right way, and you’ll never have to consider that the other side has valid ideas.
It’s not just that they’re as intellectual as they are modest: journalists are as lazy as it gets. Their unwillingness to perform anything as undignified as work comes on top of all their other lovely characteristics like gentle humor, keen self-deprecation, and personable charm. Their pre-election hysterics about how Trump was a meaner Hitler ensure their flailing won’t be taken seriously now. As with America, they’re wasting potential.
Professional transcribers had no option but to pursue work this undignified. At least they’re loathsome. Reporters are not precisely potential engineers who got talked into a preposterous major by guidance counselors tweaking on meth: a cruel combination of genetics and personality forced them to enter a field slightly more useful than unemployment. Imagine Andrea Mitchell trying to perform long division if you’d like to giggle even louder while realizing her dreamboat will never be president.
Despite endless deserved scorn, media members do have ideals. It’s just that they involve protecting liberal narratives in lieu of selling ads while doing their assigned tasks. They’ve been tossed a live preserver they don’t deserve. Churning out easy stories about Trump’s oafishness should generate revenue while keeping the system honest. But the limp henchmen shot their credibility panicking before the election. Consumers won’t care what the Pulitzer committee finds noble.
Newshounds finally want to audaciously challenge the president, even though he wants to spend your money for fairness. And nobody cares because they thought it was important to claim that non-Trump Republicans were orphan-punching demons. Heed those who think they’re pretty smart for people who couldn’t last in a useful major. They’re going to miss Obama even more than the other starry-eyed zombies. Career choices led to them defending Earth’s most powerful monarch like knights who couldn’t lift a sword. But their lack of upper-body strength leaves them susceptible to purple nurples.
For people so smart that they think they have to explain the world to us, journalists are lousy at keeping themselves employed. Lack of integrity in a field that demands it makes their own jobs obsolete. Blame this newfangled internet for keeping the audience from reading cheerleading chants. Slanted coverage is killing an industry that was already sick. And you wonder why newsroom staffs think the free market doesn’t work.