The key to happiness is claiming something good happened. At least, it better be. Preposterous boasts have been the foundation of our system ever since political scientists discovered getting things done is hard. What doesn’t happen is irrelevant in these fantastical times. Just presume any federal sorcery creates magic as promised. Why would a politician announce that a fishy program is going to create the happiness you never find in booze or Netflix just to get votes?
Take how we don’t have to hop over corpses of the indigent anymore. And tripping is covered, so there’s no reason to worry. Health care is all fixed because the historically cool president said so, and mean Republicans want to take it away because the rich think cutting off medicine will help win the class war. Democratic guardians mentioned something about making it easier to buy, so it’s true. Besides, using money is so unpleasant.
Yes, many of you jittery types are upset about losing your plans as if you think getting sick is possible. But insane deductibles without getting anything good are a small price to pay for pretending everyone is covered. Compassion through federal action resulted in horrible, shoddy, expensive plans with absurd deductibles that we can’t decline. Oh, no: they might be taken away.
At least Obamacare covers our bullet wounds. Right-wing haters oppose gun control because they find it amusing when random people are shot. Or they know it only enables criminals, whatever. Letting Americans defend themselves is spelled out in our Constitution and because it’s our damn right as humans. Still, that must make life like a Western shootout. The fact liberals loathe the idea of rugged men standing up for themselves aside, criminals have become scared of the virtuous firing back.
But what about the bloodbath? Sure, the opposite happened. But that’s just evidence. Crime has plummeted since the 1960s and ’70s, which is supposedly the simpler era when people kept doors unlocked. Maybe a dedication to innocence embodied by the refusal to turn a deadbolt 90 degrees explains the felony spike. Regardless, those who’d only hurt someone out to hurt them are psychologically and physically safer thanks to right-to-carry. Don’t expect that to stop liberals from gloating about shootings without ever pondering why each is so rare that it tops the news.
Runaway concerns are outpacing actuality. Take a pending tough term that’s already framed as belonging to rude Hitler. Present preposterous fears of a Trump administration will make the actual crummy thing feel like a letdown. Sure, it’s bound to be lousy, as this particular pyramid scheme features mandatory participation nationwide thanks to a few suckers who think juice should be bought from a car trunk instead of a supermarket. Yet the death camps are far below capacity. We even get four tweets per day.
Our nation’s new round of problems start with a president-elect who’s not presidential. But that doesn’t mean we’re about to endure a tyranny, even a dull one where we’re annoyed to death. Trump’s not crafty enough to bypass Congress, anyway. America is about to endure a rather pedestrian term of statism that will seem modest only compared to Spendy Hussein McWasterson.
The perpetually indignant would be surprised by who’s allied with them if they weren’t so busy blocking traffic for justice. Liberals should be pleased that their preferred method of bribing companies with money looted from taxpayers to stimulate growth will continue no matter how doltish it is. Instead, they order body bags for all the minority homosexuals they presume will be hanged. Muslims will be shot into space.
For those of us not inclined to worship a president before he serves for five minutes, the next one’s biggest asset is unwittingly his damage-limiting oafishness. The clumsy ineptness which is evident to anyone shrewd enough to see Trump isn’t a dreamy strongman. It doesn’t take that much inspection to realize his alleged empire is as gaudy as it is empty. But the time to do so was a few years ago.
Competence can’t be faked anymore. The Golden-Painted Boy was over his head acquiring Manhattan real estate. But I’m sure he’ll be suited for life as head of state. If not, he can just say he’s thriving. It’s worked for him up to this point in his life. And the fading incumbent has made boasting while failing an art form. The nicest thing to say about Barack Obama is that he’s compensated for uselessness.
This isn’t a time to smile in anticipation of rosiness. Browbeating companies into making them stay isn’t wise or self-sustaining, much less constitutional. But preemptively delegitimizing actual worthy grievances by going to red alert before the threat even materializes reduces crew readiness. Perpetual howlers presumed their childish fears would come true, which is a natural byproduct of using Facebook memes as a primary news source. The Boogeyman is real and living inside your skull.