Call me closed-minded. Do so even more than usual. But I don’t want to know anyone who’s into politics. That’s true if I happened to be dropped in at any point on humanity’s timeline, and merely especially so with the contemporary taste for vigorous submission in mind. I only follow the day’s events because I hate them so and wish to minimize their impact. Selflessly, I want you left the hell alone, as well.
I know I’m supposed to be into learning about the other side. But I’ve learned enough. Man, they’re a bunch of freaks. Do they really think government knows what it’s doing? I suppose we could discuss sports unless they’re Patriots fans. It’s tough finding any allies in an era of competition for which side’s generalissimo is more worth venerating. Where can the person not into mandatory quadruple-tithing to the state church hide while ditching Mass?
The only thing more obvious than the need for Better Call Saul to be on again soon is how urgently America needs a political reset. Let’s draw lines again so we know which side to hate. The thorough lack of respect for boundaries led to present dreary conditions, as the debt’s going up in exchange for nothing regardless of which party wins. The Super Bowl would be less fun as an intra-team scrimmage. When the same side is playing in politics, it downright sucks. Good dip won’t save your party.
Unlike liberals, our violent fantasies are about committing figurative atrocities against federal agencies, not political foes. They’re so into gun control because they don’t trust themselves. Regardless, we merely wish to chop the government off at the knees, which’ll make it easier to take a couple inches off the scalp. I just want a system weak enough that the president’s tweets won’t affect our lives.
There really are freaks who noticed Washington is bad at everything and should get less money. The fact that the stance exists should not be novel in a nation founded on the principle of telling a king to cram it. Have you read this so-called Constitution? It has all these crazy limits on power as if we’re supposed to be free to live on our terms. The side interested in expansive interpretation appeals to those who arrived on Earth today. There’ll be a new preposterous overreach by dawn.
There really are two options. But half of those often fail to be offered. Naturally, it’s the wrong one. Barack Obama’s eight-year experiment has proved that he’s a dolt about everything. He’s a success at showing what fails unless he really believes those facile theories. For the side that tugs on their lab coats while making a show out of liking science, they sure ignore results.
You’re free to believe that a government that earns nothing will respectfully spend what you did. You can also believe Cleveland’s next first overall pick will be the one that turns the Browns’ fortunes. Either way, it’d be nice to be able to choose a party that doesn’t treat the Constitution as a cult pact.
Electing for autonomy enables choices in daily life. The feds’ role in our lives should be to have no role in our lives. Pave, try, imprison, and defend. We’ll address the rest. Let us eat Nutella straight from the jar with no caloric information visible as is our damn right as humans. The last thing our species needs is assistance at ruining our lives. That’s what bourbon and Twitter are for.
The argument for shrinking Washington’s footprint has been lost, which means the real loser is everyone. Losing 50 pounds is overwhelming when the first one just won’t burn off no matter how much energy we burn walking to the fridge. The default political setting should be to think that freezing federal spending for five years would mean it’s still preposterously over budget in 2022.
But noting a properly-constrained government would also work better is for us particularly oppressive ghouls. We’ll still be branded hateful racists who want the indigent to croak for profit. How exactly are we profiting off death, and when do I get my direct deposits? Either way, we’d be free to live as we please, and not in the sense of liberation through having small-business owners taxed into bankruptcy so we don’t have to pay bills.
At least one part of the fair and balanced argument should feature a case for reduction. Instead, the debate has become over who is better at ordering compliance. The argument is only so fevered because each side is angling for extra ration packets. Learning how much you’re going to be screwed for the privilege of living in what’s ostensibly the freest country is fantastically uninteresting. On the plus side, it’s liberating to skip cable news. I can burn through sitcoms on the DVR instead. How does it hold so many VCR tapes?