Spend Your Own

I paid a bill once.  It was for a grocer who had the nerve to charge me for provisions and it was awful.  I see the inherent appeal of a communal tab.  Using cash gets expensive.  Our whole country is sharing a table, so keep passing around the check.  Our rich pals will cover it and never stop socializing with us.  We are pretty charming.

Liberals are keen on helping their victims.  Why do you think they create so many?  They can’t possibly think they’re improving conditions.  None will ever ponder for a second that humans are capable of addressing their own needs.  Here: have some assistance.  Those who don’t believe in reliance strive to make their beliefs true.  If you feel it’s impossible to cope with life, it’s natural to inflict the gloominess on others.  Some things are too good to be voluntary.

Any Summer Olympian can tell you humans can’t swim without being chained to the pool floor.  The absurd solutions to poverty are precisely what makes it hard to buy one’s own things.  Take money to help people with no money to achieve mathematical prosperity.  Those whose political beliefs revolve around dodging accountability aren’t about to examine if it’s their own policies that create poverty.  That twist could revitalize M. Night Shyamalan’s career.  The feeling of assisting can’t be beat, so let’s never let the poor jump up a quintile.  Well, how can you feel helpful without folks in need?

Hear me out for a second: the vertical pedal on the right makes the car go.  Also, a mandate may in fact make it tricky to have coverage.  I know everyone had it during the Obama presidency because the sheet claims so, but let me suggest that the law may have broken itself. It just might be possible that competition could get us closer to universal insurance as the prices drop to reasonable levels.

By contrast, far too many think the only way to lower skyrocketing prices caused by federal intervention is to make mean rich people subsidize the poor.  Those baffled souls feel the next round of currency incineration will demonstrate compassion.  Don’t tell these geniuses about why tuition is so high until we’ve buried our wallets.

Those who still can’t afford fair pricing are supposed to be banished to the sulfur mines, at least according to The Washington Post’s characterization of conservatives.  But we could also possibly slip the deeply poor a couple bucks.  Our enlightened progressive friends never think to help others on their own.  Helping by force is a great example of how generous our species can be, not to mention inherently efficient.  Don’t try it without a government minder explaining how to be caring.

People would never help on their own, according to people who never help on their own.  Freaks who believe in helping others because life has meaning are not to be trusted any more than corporations who’ve sold you everything you have.  Those darn churches are just anti-abortion conformity factories that plan terror attacks to blame on mosques. And the Salvation Army is just a violent paramilitary organization. Why do they annoy us with bells during winter solstice when it’s the government’s job to help?

There’s no way to change the past, notes the bank robber to his hostages.  We just have to deal with the awfulness that randomly happened.  What would legislation have to do with crumminess that follows?  Our moral superiors never ponder that there could have been other ways to get insurance.  Competition means ease paired with affordability, even if one’s not into that whole self-reliance scene.  The only downside would be more Geico or Progressive ads to mute quickly.  I know it’s not like them to avoid thinking things out.

Be thankful for small victories, like how the lack of good faith from the side that hates religious services is predictable.  Tolerant liberals seethe with limp rage at those who disagree.  There can’t merely be disagreement over how to advance.  Those cruel monsters who want cuts are hoping to find elusive joy by watching orphans fight pensioners for cans of beans.  We would hate to have all that money in the economy, as the purchasing would reward greedy capitalists.

It’s bad enough to debate politics with those who think politics solve everything.  But it’s especially tiresome for progressive crusaders who have gotten everything they wanted for eight years and are trying to block cameras from the trash fires.

Those who oversaw America’s diminishment while America’s enemies thrived have turned to their new full-time jobs of trying to convince us the sales pitch was accurate. The ladies love you driving that 1984 Ford Escort, and the laughter is over a joke you told.  Nobody’s laughing about the mess.  But cheer up: it’s someone else’s job to clean up.  Respect Barack Obama’s legacy.

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