My Way or the Low Way

Value every opinion that concurs with yours because everyone who disagrees is a Nazi fascist Atlas Shrugged bigot who hates equality and recycling.  Presuming there’s only one way is the liberal style of tolerance, as it’s easy to be open-minded after discarding opposition as the domain of hobo-punching monstrosities. You don’t have to respect the ideas of anyone evil.  Also, everyone with a different opinion is evil.

How did primitive men ever think they could get by without supervision? And why won’t the economy rebound?  Some mysteries will remain baffling.  It used to be that half the major parties would at least pretend to act as if Washington trampled over our rights and checking accounts. But there’s broad consensus now, which means we’re in deep trouble.  The curse implied by “May you live in interesting times” is based in unwitting ambiguity, as in how bipartisanship means both sides cooperating to hassle you.

The urge to treat every problem as uncleared brush that can only be destroyed with a federal flamethrower has now contaminated the Republican Party.  At least it’s officially so.  The stated refusal to abide by the free market is the kind of straightforward talk we expect from the Party of Trump.  Populism is telling you what to do because that’s what they think you want.  We’re sorry if you thought an eminent domain-loving favor-buyer was going to start reducing government’s role in your life, as that wouldn’t feed his ego.

Enjoy the new kind of intermingling when there’s not even a discussion.  The decision’s already made, so feel liberated from that burden. Similarly, don’t worry about who will buy your things.  It’s someone else.  Those paying will never stop, so lose track of the tab.  Present debate boundaries are just a skirmish over who can administer dispensation better.  Like the Yankees playing the Red Sox, the loser is everyone else in the country who can’t stand these arrogant teams.

Why do you want the poor to die?  It’s a fair question.  It can’t be that you think people should care for themselves, a task made easier if the economy isn’t drained to purportedly assist by force.  Forget charity, as voluntary contributions are just so expensive.  The haranguing is to distract from how government helps the poor like glass shards help your sore throat.

Avoid subtleties like thinking the other side might be human beings.  Don’t believe for a second they could simply be misguided.  Such subtlety led to vigorous conversations which left viewers confused.  How could you tell who’s the bad guy?

Terms are much more straightforward in these simpler times, as the villains are easy to label based on their stubborn preference for people buying their own things.  Remember: there’s no solution other than a federal program, according to those whose ideology just happens to embrace the notion.  Sure, people could choose to buy insurance that would be cheaper because of the very same process.  But there’s compassion in a guarantee worth as much as a national health card.

Government’s job is to protect you from products from anywhere in the world.  Washington’s boundaries expand right up to our electrified borders.  Buying from sneaky foreigners is not allowed out of patriotic duty to limit choice.  It’s much easier to create resentment by blaming job losses on scheming nations than jobs after erecting barriers.  Don’t fret, as the ensuing struggles will mean there will be even more rage to fuel elections.  That’s called the economic cycle to you laypeople.  If you think our citizens’ stuff can compete on its own, you’re an un-American fool, Ivan.

Enjoy your choice.  One faction couldn’t conceive of a society lacking organization from federal escorts.  The Trump crew thinks the same way, with the added wrinkle of their savior granting blessings through his renowned kindness.  You’re blocking progress by daring to think answers are available to those who ponder the questions.  Why have a president if he doesn’t think for you?  All that voting would go to waste.

Both parties know what’s best.  And they want to win so you don’t foolishly dissent.  By sheer coincidence, their plans involve an executive spinning progress into order through power paired with benevolence.  You can pick your preference as long as it’s blandly and creepily inspirational or coarse like a 12-year-old learning new swears. Just realize you must be led.  These are exciting astronomical moments.  We’re living through a new Big Bang where the bureaucracy never stops expanding.  This universe is going to consume everything we know through debt and atrophy.  But at least the explosion will be pretty.

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Unsettled Science

I need people in lab coats to reiterate my prejudices.  It’s totally not insecure to seek affirmation of politics through science. Remember to claim results can never change to maximize insufferable smugness.  You can’t disagree with experiments, says the gloating art history major.

The supremacy of scienticians who just happen to reach liberal conclusions is assured by those in agreement who think their views are indisputable.  That’s why they think anyone who disagrees is an orphan-stomping caveman.  Classifying everyone who disagrees with them as monstrous is scientific, you see.  Ask Bill Nye, who proves their point.  It’s just not like how they think.

Those who know nothing about politics display the same level of understanding about science.  The most pompous humans maintain devotion to methodical study of theories.  But sloppily referring to an incomplete study they didn’t understand in the first place fails to prove that, say, puttering hybrids are necessary to keep the Earth from sinking in to the ocean.  Humans understandably want to determine what’s certain.  But it’s more important to recognize what we’re incapable of knowing. It’s especially so for Democrats.

Study preeners are so arrogant that they toss away what little sympathy they have, not that there was much after they ruined insurance while arming Iran.  Blame the misunderstanding of what they think reinforces their biases. Science is a process, not a conclusion.  Don’t bother trying to explain that to those who think their contempt for Neil Gorsuch is provable.  Those who claim to stand for it sure don’t get how it works.  The irony is as natural as gravity.  Hit the floor to demonstrate.

Make sure to only like genuine studies, namely ones that validate your preconceived notions.  Decide what should happen first just like a chemist.  The politics of convenience apply to what subjects students take.  A few absences are better than learning a challenging lesson.

Take the steadfast refusal to look at an ultrasound, which is necessary lest we want to discover something indelicate is occurring in abortion clinics.  Those who profess allegiance to evidence might realize it’s babies that are getting tossed in the recycling bin to return for organ deposits later.  Ending life is one of those things where you don’t even need a lab.

A century of human progress means we can’t live anymore, anyway.  At best, we could flee to a new planet, but we’d only ruin Saturn by living, too. Also, the rockets would further pollute Mother Gaia on our way out. Global warming is so bad that it turned to climate change.  Now any weather that happens can be blamed on us, including seasons.

The Ice Age is making it hard to concentrate.  Still, anyone remotely interested in the scientific process would realize it’s preposterous to think a planet-sized ecosystem might include a manageable quantity of variables.  It only features everything we have.

Pomposity races hypocrisy.  Both engines create quite a large carbon footprint.  Those sure that comfort will make Earth the opposite don’t seem willing to turn off lights that make it feel civilized. And they certainly won’t stop tweeting.  Most phones are powered by positive vibes, so those are okay.

The only certainty is that words cause irreparable pain. Microaggressions have been determined to hurt feelings as fact by the realest of sciences, namely social.  Hate speech is hurtful.  It’s right in the name, caveman.  Just as sure as solar power is why your lights are on, universities are proving why the First Amendment is last in their hearts.

You’d feel confused if you couldn’t tell who a dude is.  Please stop giggling at gender fumbling, as they’re serious about respecting the rights of disturbed people who don’t believe their naughty bits.  Those most devoted to claiming their views are backed by science sure are stubborn about not accepting that genitals determine who’s a man or woman.  There’s a pretty easy visual test related to externality.  Those shrieking about purported offenses on Tumblr all day never get to see those attached to genders they theoretically find attractive.  So, that’s why they don’t know.

The science is settled on liberalism.  It’s easy to examine government running the economy.  Sure, it’s into the ground.  But how would we track the vector?  Motion is the important part.  Likewise, Obamacare claiming millions more have insurance differs entirely from more affordable and obtainable treatment.  But saying it’s so is all it takes.  The solution is psychological.  At least, it had better be, or we’re screwed.

Anyone whose views are logical shouldn’t need to drag out charts.  Those unconcerned by 20 freaking trillion dollars in debt are bound to misread them. The graph looks right-side up from here.  Twisting statistics while claiming they’re irrefutable is as anti-scientific as it gets.  We watch liberalism fail daily.  Those whose genes don’t contribute to evolution wrote down the wrong measurements.  More money for schools will cure foolishness: it’s science.

Victory Growl

You’d think one’s hero winning would bring contentment.  But it’s important to keep striving even whilst at the top.  Stay miserable until your savior wins the Super Presidency.  Trump fans sure are angry for having their impossible dream come true.  Sore winners are emblematic of our times, so at least it’s good for something.

Other than defining this wearying election cycle, the unwillingness to be pleased might be making everyone a bit cranky.  There are consequences for a campaign based on resentment, which affect more than those who could use a nap.

Note who’s not up for governing by who never stops campaigning.  Rallies are more fun, anyway.  Who wants to make decisions that’ll tick off voters or other countries when you can bask in cheers from the faithful?  Those who think hearing Trump speak is worthwhile whoop for any madcap scheme instead of peskily pointing out that mustard doesn’t turn into gold no matter how long it’s frozen.  Promising the next time will be different is easier than policies that work.

The fascination with bluster is a characteristic shared by the previous White House occupant.  The seeming opposites are two sides of a coin confiscated by Washington to pay shovel-draggers in the name of fixing infrastructure.  The first black and orange presidents are each respectively cult leaders who like being in charge without having to do anything.  Both gentlemen found the one profession where it’s possible, namely presidenting.

Trouble starts when adrenaline wears off from the high of hearing how close our nation’s CEO is to enacting prosperity.  The realization will just take a bit more alienation.  Those who’ve noticed their beloved president’s guarantee isn’t quite working are understandably angry, although it’s still their fault. What he’s actually doing either fails to match his dreamy campaign promises or sucks in practice.  At least that’s a wide range of possibilities.

Has the guy from the party that was once renowned for skepticism of government fulfilled his promise about enacting utopia?  Perhaps we’re too critical, as there might be a secret laser net border wall in place.  But his most zealous fans wanted something tactile as a symbol of accomplishment.  A figurative barrier just won’t cut it.  How are we supposed to watch potential illegals get punched by the spring-loaded boxing gloves hidden within that way?

The result of thinking a politician will cure your ailments is as predictable as the dreary economy.  It’s not just government in general coming up short: this particular head of state assures us he’s going to bring back jobs while punishing fruitcakes who dissented.  Pathetic human worship is bound to fail, which places dreams even farther away.  There is a way to bail out from the downward spiral.  But it sadly involves humbleness, which is as in short supply as a levelheaded debate.

Even those still shocked by November’s results figured the rage would subside.  But it’s the only thing fueling this inspirational movement.  Who needs oil?  Republicans suddenly enthusiastic about federal planning are not about to chill upon realizing the new emperor is peddling the same lousy solutions.  Doing so more crudely with more blatant lies is how we stick it to the establishment. Supporters with glazed eyes were too busy projecting their hopes of miracle cures to notice their limbs haven’t reattached.

Ranting about conspiratorial forces is usually seen as a loser’s hobby.  But many alleged victors don’t ditch twitchy habits just because of winning some election.  Credit Richard Nixon’s precedent.  Every story from Hollywood, New York City, and Washington is about a driven person compensating for not feeling loved.  Flyover country has to suffer.

Pray to not be this bitter after getting everything wanted.  Otherwise, you’ll end up like Sean Hannity, and nobody wants that.  But the only man awarded a blackbelt in the ancient discipline of Sean Fu is at fault for backing a gaudy hypnotist.  Our president is loyal to the ideology of Trump.  Hannity’s dreamboat opposes big government in the sense that he’s in charge and will fix it.  If he ever seems unfamiliar with how to approach a problem caused by clumsy interference by messianic politicians and limp bureaucrats, remember he figures he can just tell them to do it right.

The guy who couldn’t sell football to Americans continues to dodge personal responsibility for ample shortcomings.  So, that’s what being a conservative is now.  Those who adorably think he gave up his billionaire lifestyle to save us aren’t about to check facts.  This totally wasn’t an ego-boosting attempt to get free airtime for his businesses, which are wholly involved in selling his personality. Those who buy shouldn’t bother keeping a receipt.  Winning the presidency is the only funny joke Trump’s ever told.

Some remain baffled why he’s trying to spend our way to prosperity.  I’m sure his family won’t get far enough ahead to be shielded from the consequences.  Many of us could’ve told you the only thing more inevitably disappointing than a politician is a politician who claims he’s not one.  But voters were too busy going with the single-payer guy as the best hope to repeal Obamacare.  If getting what they wanted didn’t create happiness, falling short is unlikely to do the trick.

Big Government, Small Man

There’s a growing revulsion against being told what do to with your life and what would otherwise be your money.  That’s silly, as why else do you have a government?  Your decisions might be as improper as your spending, so let’s cede for prosperity.

It’s hard to say how conservatism is going to recover from your government vigorously not working for you.  That’s to say if it does.  Realistic expectations are best chained to bright hopes to keep them from floating to dangerous heights in recognition of how our stupid world operates.  Those who’ve read the Constitution with the intent to obey it rarely the chance to put policies into action.  We’re only one party away from having a choice.

The freedom to trade isn’t freely reported.  A lazy and unfair take on laissez-faire economics has led to many thinking we’d be doomed without the economy being shoved by law.  The curious notion government not only helps but is the only option is paired with the baffling thought that we presently have anything approaching a hands-off economy.  Our grabby taxes and regulations would make the Founders furious enough to wage revolution against us, and they’d win over our candy-asses while armed with only muskets.

It gets worse, naturally.  Pecuniary liberty is now linked to the last guy on Earth who can be called a believer in it.  You may have noticed how every solution Donald Trump proposes involves telling you to be successful.  Hey, it worked for him, right?  Being in charge isn’t worth it unless you can have power over others.  A guy who got off on firing people is sure to operate meekly.

Our generation has our own Herbert Hoover, which is surely an auspicious sign.  The president is another Republican businessman, so what he pursues must be conservative, right?  At least the man who gave us FDR was a successful miner and humanitarian.  On the other hand, he didn’t fail to confiscate enough wagers from seniors in Atlantic City.  Regardless, nothing embodies the freedom to interact commercially like massive tariffs as punishment for buying from a non-American.  I’m suddenly thinking of that right-wing rascal Richard Nixon creating the EPA while imposing wage and price freezes.

Our bebop president is making it up as he goes along.  His discordant tune is inherently statist: without a guiding principle, every problem is naturally solved by a semi-legal initiative.  Leading by capriciousness doesn’t just apply to his present policies, which reflect what Fox & Friends covered that morning.  His own personal shady dealings provided a clue of how he’d operate as president, so pay attention to them last year.

Anyone watching with both eyes knew of his projects’ shortcomings, eminent domain abuse, and unsavory ostentation.  Also, don’t forget his bragging about buying politicians, although he assures you he’s completely different.  Trump is just another free market fan who made a fortune cajoling election winners.

If you don’t have evidence, go with charges.  Everything makes sense, which is why conservatism is blamed for a financial crisis caused by the government forcing people who couldn’t afford mortgages to be allowed to buy houses.  It happened when another Republican was in office, after all, and they like business.  Those who want nothing to do with this will receive blame for all of it.  Actual conservatives know that life is unfair, and the confusion between party and ideology will offer firsthand proof of it.

Two parties intent on burying the needle aren’t broadcasting at subtle volumes.  Duck as they slug it out over which version of unwieldy government will prevail.  Meanwhile, those who vainly hope this nation will obey its own rules are tarred and feathered when the precise opposite of their goals gets enacted.  In a perfect world, everyone would receive the credit they deserve.  The ideology that acknowledges just how impossible that is to achieve isn’t getting much traction.

Which version of bullying do you prefer?  There’s either a Republican in office who is wholly incorrectly presumed to favor shrinking the federal footprint or nefarious business interests who keep Democrats from enacting the peacefully equal society they just know works on paper.  Taking away health care is how Republicans wage war on the poor, according to those who refuse to realize Obamacare did just that.  At least one party is honest about wanting to take what’s yours, so give them credit for rottenness.  Then detract it for their histrionics about how a slight cut in wretched debt will lead to dead grandmas and orphans.

So much conflict is based on misunderstanding.  Liberals who despise Trump like he’s a pro-life Hitler should realize how often they concur, if only for our amusement.  Those without a Twitter egg in the fight would rather people get screwed over voluntarily.  We can at least walk away in our private lives.  That’s the whole damn point.  People in general and Americans in particular should be allowed to choose to deal with anyone they wish.  Instead, obtrusive governing will be blamed on P.J. O’Rourke fans.  The inability to avoid hassle isn’t punishment enough.

Afflict the Afflicted

At a time when America needs a hero, we get George Costanza. The pretend architect, marine biologist, and latex salesman should’ve been a real journalist, as it’s the one profession where he would’ve kept his job. Using his inevitable Pulitzer in a fruitless attempt to pick up women would’ve been an episode more about the prize’s lack of value than his own scheming.

We couldn’t invent more dishonest media that boasts more about how honest it is.  There’s good news if they need examples for a trend story about how horrid they are.  Journalists versus Donald Trump is our Iran/Iraq War.  Any half-decent news organization could make a reputation and fortune by detailing his misdeeds.  So, forget it.

By presuming its existence is crucial to the nation’s health, the media fails to do actual work.  A field that attracts those too lazy for the post office slacks even more than usual.  They figure the president will do the heavy lifting.  But learning to do a push-up is too much exertion for those who think of tweeting as exercise.

Calling the media sanctimonious is the sort of understatement that illustrates our language’s limits.  But the lack of English superlatives is only part of the problem.  It’s sort of their job to check facts.  Instead, they devote their meager working hours to compiling every maniacal rumor and hateful assumption.  Let the readers sift through obviously incorrect salaciousness, because that’s what the job is.  Fellow journalists replying sympathetically offers double-checking insisted upon by editors.

It’s best to presume hacks are having a contest to see who can preen the most about truth while getting basic details wrong.  Assume they’re not merely this spectacularly incompetent out of undeserved kindness. Getting it wrong so obviously and consistently won’t deter them from presuming the next unsourced Russian hooker story has to be accurate. You couldn’t parody this media thanks to how horribly they perform compared to how they see themselves.  But you try getting ahead of mockery.

Typically evenhanded reporters know everyone who’s not a liberal is a bigoted troglodyte who probably dines at Olive Garden.  It’s easy to be unbiased while viewing everyone who votes differently as evil. Wholly objective profession members are for moderate single-payer health care and command economies.  It’s no surprise that innate statists don’t distinguish between government action and editorial decisions.

The difference between the First Amendment and individual outlets going on the president’s naughty list embodies limitations on federal power.  So, that’s why they don’t understand.  A person who was too intimidated by numbers to major in engineering can’t distinguish between compulsion and the unwillingness of the subject to cooperate. Not grasping what private parties are free to do actually explains present circumstances pretty well.

I’d suspect the press was secretly helping Trump if they were capable of being clever.  Creating sympathy for a president they loathe who doesn’t deserve it is probably not an editorial goal.  But it’s furthered with every insane charge they figure is too juicy to be verified.  If it’s a candidate who these virtuous paragons of democracy and decency didn’t back, he must be as rotten as they think.

Instead of liking people, we turn to those our enemies hate.  It’s as inspirational as you’d figure.  I’m reluctant to support anyone out of backlash, but that’s all the incumbent’s getting from me.  Trump’s greatest sours of support comes from those backing the president out of solidarity in opposition to media twerps who think warning of fascism holds him accountable.  He’ll say something atrocious tomorrow that’ll actually deserve headlines, and correspondents have already blown their credibility.  If you want to know why everyone’s cranky, note the exhaustion caused from from constantly being at DEFCON 1.  The public has trained itself to ignore the sirens.

Our informational guardians ruined the chance to criticize legitimately. So, that’s why they despise the free market.  Their public hysteria ruins the supremely easy chance to tease our president.  Heck, I do it all the time, and I’m as far from a professional as imaginable. Their assumption they’re interrogating a racist monster sent to destroy a country that finally got Obamacare makes them sound as demented as their target.  Nobody watching can tell who’s truly Supreme Ruler of the sanitarium common room.

A free press is swell, so anyone affiliated must be a hero of communication, right?  It’s true except for how most of them make trash fires seem pleasant by comparison.  A media that can’t get simple facts right about a ridiculous president also fails to realize the difference between the media in general and any specific outlet. An industry whose employees very evenhandedly presume every evil business should be regulated by enlightened bureaucrats thinks a confrontational press conference means the government interferes too much.

Criticizing any particular crummy dispatch is portrayed as an assault.  Stop tearing up the Bill of Rights by noting the Washington Post gets it wrong quite a bit for being such snots.  You’d think they’d read the Amendment they bluster about and learn the first word is “Congress.”

Purported arbiters of truth also happen to be fans of government doing everything, an assumption baked into their unfortunate coverage.  Any beat stenographer who asks, say, how to pay for tax cuts or obtain health care without being required to purchase insurance makes mocking about bias easy.  It’s little wonder English majors can’t distinguish between a press secretary skipping reporters he loathes or refusing to buy the New York Times as a rights violation.  Liberal journalists naturally see everything as communal: that means they’re not responsible for the crummy content any individual spews.  Blame the media.

Paying for Harangues

dumb Diesel adI remember when companies sold things.  Those simple transactions embodied dark times.  Now, lucky consumers get lectured by companies in the spirit of enlightenment.  How else would simpleminded shoppers learn how to be decent?

It’s little wonder the economy has permanently stagnated when amalgamations are focused on teaching morals instead of maximizing quality for price.  But they find that a small price to pay.  It’s their money.  With profits not in mind, it’s foolish enough to think a trip to the mall or cyberspace to patronize these new virtual outposts would come without a political message.  Learn how to be liberal instead of just finding a blouse you like.

Don’t join in with current silly trends, as that’s “basic.”  You must keep up with the hip lingo of youths.  Skittish companies feel compelled to join in any social media frenzy, which these days means pledging fealty to social justice.  Take how many retailers curiously use precious ad budget slices to note that immigrants are welcome.  The notion’s triter than a singing Coke ad if they mean those here legally.  Otherwise, those cool with sneaking in are endorsing criminality, which doesn’t make sense unless they’re home alarm companies.

Businesses can’t make every customer happy.  “The customer is always right” is the wrongest advice in human history, as anyone who’s ever worked in retail can confirm many are jerky, idiots, or idiotic jerks.  Even worse, most of those who police advertisements for homophobia as a no-paying full-time profession don’t even buy anything.  Ignore what those who don’t buy your things feel enforces gender stereotypes about a goofy post, and you’ll lose zero dollars.  In fact, many consumers shop for backbone.

Don’t bother with those in the market for nothing more than huffiness. It’s free to disregard humorless claims for justice from those with an ironically high quantity of demands for special treatment. There’s an easy contribution to the bottom line.  Loudmouths aren’t good for motivation, especially when they don’t even have PayPal accounts.

The most self-assured commercial concerns dare to ignore those who harangue them about not featuring the right complexions in campaigns. Remember that none of the bawling infants have any cash. It’s a consequence of never learning a valuable skill of their own to sell.  Other companies should see the attack on Pepsi for not being socially just enough if they want to know if appeasing the perpetually indignant and broke is a good ad strategy. In Pepsi’s defense, trying to corrupt a nasty protest movement is easier than getting people to buy carbonated sulfuric acid.

Progressive companies tell us how to think as a freebie.  And you thought they wouldn’t help without compulsion. Preening about how intolerant the country where they’re based shows just how practical their concerns are.

By contrast, conservative businesses worry about pedestrian matters like staying open.  Opposition to federalized insurance isn’t a mere philosophical dissent: businesses can’t afford to provide employees with coverage while making a little money on each cheeseburger. Evil owners who provide goods at agreeable prices were supposed to take a pay cut for compassion. Forget trying to lower prices, as that’s not the lesson the government learned from corporations.

Customers playing along need to signal their virtues.  Start by tolerantly destroying anyone who’s unenthusiastic about changing marriage’s definition.  Take Chick-fil-A executives privately donating to causes that conform with their religious beliefs.  They belong to a faith called Christianity which is actually quite popular, at least in name.  But believing non-Muslim religious things is unacceptable to modern spiritual people.  That one ultra-peaceful faith is the only one allowed to reject men marrying men, occasionally by tossing the grooms from great heights.  Meanwhile, florists into Jesus better deliver the flowers to men marrying same unless they want to experience true hatred.

Peddling something other than sanctimony is for boring companies.  Sure, those who create shoes or detergent don’t have to pitch a message other than their brand’s awesomeness.  No executives have to preach about social justice by law, at least until Democrats take Congress again.  But the mandate would be redundant.  Every last damn thing is politicized, including acquiring caffeine doses and getting around.  Breathing remains uncontroversial as long as your carbon offsets are in order.  Do you have paperwork to prove it?  It’s a trick, tree-hater.

How can you have fun trading currency for whatever you’d like?  Shopping for things we need or enjoy is supposed to offer an escape.  At least that’s what silly free market fans think.  Unrestricted trade is obsolete because sellers didn’t have enough sense to tell buyers how to have proper values.

Ancient man enjoyed the liberty to make his own decisions, just like contemporary reactionaries criticize the perpetual outrage cycle and seeming need for enterprises to respond. Focusing on quality products at fair prices would prove conservatarian notions about open exchange.  So, we can’t allow that. I’m thinking of buying a car if I can find a company that’s claimed the wage gap is real fervently enough.

Red Eyed

Red Eye

What are libertarian-ish night creatures supposed to do now: be respectable?  Red Eye is ending for reasons more mysterious than the fact it made the air at all.  The asylum for those allergic to both Nancy Pelosi and daylight is being cleared via eminent domain.  Soon, another very important rerun of a show from hours before will run on a news channel.  Why would Fox News share anything fresh?  It’s not their business or anything.  Eyes will remain as red, just without a glowing screen as a remedy.

Red Eye served a faction of conservatives who treated being up too late as a virtue.  It’s a valid lifestyle choice, especially for those who live on their own terms.  As one might expect, anyone living so idiosyncratically tends to want government to bother only terrorists while leaving Americans the hell alone.  Daytime snoozers are bothered by debt and mandates, not pot or porn.

The Bart Simpson of Fox News found an eccentric audience that had been waiting for a similarly bizarre program.  Sad fans reminisce about jokes that were delightfully tasteless in the best way.  Like Joel Hodgson said about Mystery Science Theater 3000, the right people will get this. Our interactive world enabled ardent fans to tweet approval and commentary right along.  The muscle memory for typing “#Redeye” is still ingrained.

Fittingly, the smart-ass small-government fan found a spiritual home during an hour when normal people would be scared to visit a bus station. Degenerate insomniacs were innately pleased by irreverent takes on our world’s exhausting news.  Nothing was cathartic like a venue for mocking the sort of pompous newsmakers who were in bed by sunset.

As the last episode approaches, I can insufferably boast of watching from the first.  I expected a Hannity & Colmes repeat over a decade ago on some random weeknight and was instead greeted by a strange and wonderful off-kilter camera shot of a smirking host and panelists.  It was as if Fox News had read my mind: I had always hoped they’d offer a new cheeky transmission for the darkness crowd instead of a staid rerun from a decent hour.  I figured they stole my thoughts with News Corp’s mind ray.  But it was okay as long as there was something fun to watch.  Besides, the brain beam tickled.

I didn’t recognize original proprietor Greg Gutfeld by name but did know of his surreal unsigned copy in Stuff Magazine.  The demented take on politics was simultaneously incisive, as a person who took nothing seriously took on everything serious.  Study hall would’ve been intolerable without wise guys.

But Fox is done with being interesting.  Rumor holds that Tucker Carlson’s debates with hand-picked lunatics designed to make his primness seem reasonable will sadly occupy the hour while never filling it.  I’ll double-check Monday and turn it off four seconds after 3 a.m.  Going full circle sometimes forms a zero.

The modest thrill of seeing one’s name on TV at 3:57 a.m. is all that’s left.  I’ll always cherish a favorite cable personality reading my silly content on-air twice.  For one, I invented the Red Eye drink. Greg read my email in, can this be right, October 2007 after soliciting entries to create an official cocktail for a show that was begging for one.  I suggested a concoction I named Unicorn Juice (rum and Coke with vanilla syrup). Like the tagline said, it’s as sweet as ombudsman Andy Levy and goes down easier than then-sidekick Bill Schulz. The ensuing shot of the latter with his arms folded and shaking his head like he wanted to murder whoever wrote it is one you may recognize as the greatest moment of my life.

I was additionally lucky enough to hear my tweet read during the thousandth episode after solicitations for suggestions on how to spend the evening.  Mine was fittingly perverse. Unnatural pride in momentarily hearing one’s name is a byproduct of zealous devotion.  Also, I cherish the tangible reward that accompanied winning two of Greg’s drawings, which he used to send to those who suggested titles he liked via email.  The masterpieces feature Unicorn Jones and Fluffy McNutter, the show’s cartoon mascots who are very real to the likes of Greg and me. I had them framed.  Of course.

Fox News has to fund Bill O’Reilly’s lawsuits somehow.  I guess the highest-rated show possible at three in the freaking morning was a hemorrhage on a global conglomerate’s budget.  Obeying the calculator means disregarding the soul.  Sure, it’s cheaper to rerun something from the night before even if fewer watch because recycling removes one show’s expenses.  But the production cost reduction may be costly.  The network just ended a cheap experimental training ground. They found one of their 5 p.m. weekday and primetime weekend presenters by letting him figure it out during the weirdo hour.  Fox & Friends is disturbed in a different sense.

Like Bill after his visits to Switzerland, my viewing habits had already begun to transition.  I watched the entire Trump News Channel less as it made North Korean state TV look nuanced by comparison.  And familiar Red Eye guests appeared less frequently, replaced by Coys and Vances who didn’t spark the same chemistry with me.  I’m glad it was the unnervingly wholesome funnyman Tom Shillue replacing Greg if the move had to be made, but news executives didn’t ask my opinion.

At least memories of references will continue. Countless segments and incidents on this little late-night show with the same budget as Shepard Smith’s pocket square allocation inspired so much mirth.  The Notorious P.A.B., Robot Theater, and Pinch the Talking Newspaper are shorthand for moments that outsiders roll their eyes at while fans giggle like mental patients.  Social media camaraderie among those with a taste for the twisted made the nightly crawlspace tour even more fun.

Some questions will never be answered. I’ll always wonder what happened to frequent ad break regulars Cancer Peggy and Catheter Holly, Greg’s stunted half-brother Gunnar, and frequent early guest Ron Geraci.  At the same time, I’m grateful for having discovered talented people like Patti Ann Browne, Lauren Sivan, Terry Schappert, Mike Baker, and Joe DeVito on the unhinged panel.  They’ve all been kind to fans even when restraining orders would be appropriate

I can’t think of another forum that allowed the likes of Kurt Loder, Jim Norton, and Andrew W.K. to discuss the day’s issues, at least not off the top of my head.  And the initial broadcast was the first time I encountered Andrew Breitbart, the man more responsible than anyone for both today’s brand of subversive conservatism and Red Eye getting on air.

Getting locked in the basement can be its own adventure.  It felt like the right place.  Every surreal hour seemed like it embodied New York City’s openness to absurdity. Staying up when the normals were sleeping responsibly simply confirmed it.  The draw was clear even in the dead of night.  I didn’t live on the same island as Red Eye’s studio when the show started, but I do now.

The evening excitement is about to end as time marches on.  Soon, some faceless FNC Trump-humping hour won’t have to move their furniture off the set every night.  The quirky culture both spurred and revealed by the most refreshing offering ever shared on cable news will experience a diaspora now, but every fan will take the rebellious attitude along.

Like the Velvet Underground’s fans all starting bands, Red Eye’s devotees will keep skewering pomposity through snark.  If it’s your only weapon, hone it.  Now, I can only indulge in YouTube playlists of the show that made staying up too late fun and wander aimlessly through Bryant Park.  Red Eye is ending.  The amazing thing was that it ever begun.