Paying for Harangues

dumb Diesel adI remember when companies sold things.  Those simple transactions embodied dark times.  Now, lucky consumers get lectured by companies in the spirit of enlightenment.  How else would simpleminded shoppers learn how to be decent?

It’s little wonder the economy has permanently stagnated when amalgamations are focused on teaching morals instead of maximizing quality for price.  But they find that a small price to pay.  It’s their money.  With profits not in mind, it’s foolish enough to think a trip to the mall or cyberspace to patronize these new virtual outposts would come without a political message.  Learn how to be liberal instead of just finding a blouse you like.

Don’t join in with current silly trends, as that’s “basic.”  You must keep up with the hip lingo of youths.  Skittish companies feel compelled to join in any social media frenzy, which these days means pledging fealty to social justice.  Take how many retailers curiously use precious ad budget slices to note that immigrants are welcome.  The notion’s triter than a singing Coke ad if they mean those here legally.  Otherwise, those cool with sneaking in are endorsing criminality, which doesn’t make sense unless they’re home alarm companies.

Businesses can’t make every customer happy.  “The customer is always right” is the wrongest advice in human history, as anyone who’s ever worked in retail can confirm many are jerky, idiots, or idiotic jerks.  Even worse, most of those who police advertisements for homophobia as a no-paying full-time profession don’t even buy anything.  Ignore what those who don’t buy your things feel enforces gender stereotypes about a goofy post, and you’ll lose zero dollars.  In fact, many consumers shop for backbone.

Don’t bother with those in the market for nothing more than huffiness. It’s free to disregard humorless claims for justice from those with an ironically high quantity of demands for special treatment. There’s an easy contribution to the bottom line.  Loudmouths aren’t good for motivation, especially when they don’t even have PayPal accounts.

The most self-assured commercial concerns dare to ignore those who harangue them about not featuring the right complexions in campaigns. Remember that none of the bawling infants have any cash. It’s a consequence of never learning a valuable skill of their own to sell.  Other companies should see the attack on Pepsi for not being socially just enough if they want to know if appeasing the perpetually indignant and broke is a good ad strategy. In Pepsi’s defense, trying to corrupt a nasty protest movement is easier than getting people to buy carbonated sulfuric acid.

Progressive companies tell us how to think as a freebie.  And you thought they wouldn’t help without compulsion. Preening about how intolerant the country where they’re based shows just how practical their concerns are.

By contrast, conservative businesses worry about pedestrian matters like staying open.  Opposition to federalized insurance isn’t a mere philosophical dissent: businesses can’t afford to provide employees with coverage while making a little money on each cheeseburger. Evil owners who provide goods at agreeable prices were supposed to take a pay cut for compassion. Forget trying to lower prices, as that’s not the lesson the government learned from corporations.

Customers playing along need to signal their virtues.  Start by tolerantly destroying anyone who’s unenthusiastic about changing marriage’s definition.  Take Chick-fil-A executives privately donating to causes that conform with their religious beliefs.  They belong to a faith called Christianity which is actually quite popular, at least in name.  But believing non-Muslim religious things is unacceptable to modern spiritual people.  That one ultra-peaceful faith is the only one allowed to reject men marrying men, occasionally by tossing the grooms from great heights.  Meanwhile, florists into Jesus better deliver the flowers to men marrying same unless they want to experience true hatred.

Peddling something other than sanctimony is for boring companies.  Sure, those who create shoes or detergent don’t have to pitch a message other than their brand’s awesomeness.  No executives have to preach about social justice by law, at least until Democrats take Congress again.  But the mandate would be redundant.  Every last damn thing is politicized, including acquiring caffeine doses and getting around.  Breathing remains uncontroversial as long as your carbon offsets are in order.  Do you have paperwork to prove it?  It’s a trick, tree-hater.

How can you have fun trading currency for whatever you’d like?  Shopping for things we need or enjoy is supposed to offer an escape.  At least that’s what silly free market fans think.  Unrestricted trade is obsolete because sellers didn’t have enough sense to tell buyers how to have proper values.

Ancient man enjoyed the liberty to make his own decisions, just like contemporary reactionaries criticize the perpetual outrage cycle and seeming need for enterprises to respond. Focusing on quality products at fair prices would prove conservatarian notions about open exchange.  So, we can’t allow that. I’m thinking of buying a car if I can find a company that’s claimed the wage gap is real fervently enough.

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