My Way or the Low Way

Value every opinion that concurs with yours because everyone who disagrees is a Nazi fascist Atlas Shrugged bigot who hates equality and recycling.  Presuming there’s only one way is the liberal style of tolerance, as it’s easy to be open-minded after discarding opposition as the domain of hobo-punching monstrosities. You don’t have to respect the ideas of anyone evil.  Also, everyone with a different opinion is evil.

How did primitive men ever think they could get by without supervision? And why won’t the economy rebound?  Some mysteries will remain baffling.  It used to be that half the major parties would at least pretend to act as if Washington trampled over our rights and checking accounts. But there’s broad consensus now, which means we’re in deep trouble.  The curse implied by “May you live in interesting times” is based in unwitting ambiguity, as in how bipartisanship means both sides cooperating to hassle you.

The urge to treat every problem as uncleared brush that can only be destroyed with a federal flamethrower has now contaminated the Republican Party.  At least it’s officially so.  The stated refusal to abide by the free market is the kind of straightforward talk we expect from the Party of Trump.  Populism is telling you what to do because that’s what they think you want.  We’re sorry if you thought an eminent domain-loving favor-buyer was going to start reducing government’s role in your life, as that wouldn’t feed his ego.

Enjoy the new kind of intermingling when there’s not even a discussion.  The decision’s already made, so feel liberated from that burden. Similarly, don’t worry about who will buy your things.  It’s someone else.  Those paying will never stop, so lose track of the tab.  Present debate boundaries are just a skirmish over who can administer dispensation better.  Like the Yankees playing the Red Sox, the loser is everyone else in the country who can’t stand these arrogant teams.

Why do you want the poor to die?  It’s a fair question.  It can’t be that you think people should care for themselves, a task made easier if the economy isn’t drained to purportedly assist by force.  Forget charity, as voluntary contributions are just so expensive.  The haranguing is to distract from how government helps the poor like glass shards help your sore throat.

Avoid subtleties like thinking the other side might be human beings.  Don’t believe for a second they could simply be misguided.  Such subtlety led to vigorous conversations which left viewers confused.  How could you tell who’s the bad guy?

Terms are much more straightforward in these simpler times, as the villains are easy to label based on their stubborn preference for people buying their own things.  Remember: there’s no solution other than a federal program, according to those whose ideology just happens to embrace the notion.  Sure, people could choose to buy insurance that would be cheaper because of the very same process.  But there’s compassion in a guarantee worth as much as a national health card.

Government’s job is to protect you from products from anywhere in the world.  Washington’s boundaries expand right up to our electrified borders.  Buying from sneaky foreigners is not allowed out of patriotic duty to limit choice.  It’s much easier to create resentment by blaming job losses on scheming nations than jobs after erecting barriers.  Don’t fret, as the ensuing struggles will mean there will be even more rage to fuel elections.  That’s called the economic cycle to you laypeople.  If you think our citizens’ stuff can compete on its own, you’re an un-American fool, Ivan.

Enjoy your choice.  One faction couldn’t conceive of a society lacking organization from federal escorts.  The Trump crew thinks the same way, with the added wrinkle of their savior granting blessings through his renowned kindness.  You’re blocking progress by daring to think answers are available to those who ponder the questions.  Why have a president if he doesn’t think for you?  All that voting would go to waste.

Both parties know what’s best.  And they want to win so you don’t foolishly dissent.  By sheer coincidence, their plans involve an executive spinning progress into order through power paired with benevolence.  You can pick your preference as long as it’s blandly and creepily inspirational or coarse like a 12-year-old learning new swears. Just realize you must be led.  These are exciting astronomical moments.  We’re living through a new Big Bang where the bureaucracy never stops expanding.  This universe is going to consume everything we know through debt and atrophy.  But at least the explosion will be pretty.

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