Bin Laden Been Dyin’

(Originally posted May 2, 2011)


Hitler finally has his roommate. Osama bin Laden gets the top bunk, as seniority prevails even in places where occupants reside for eternity. The only thing that could make the the termination of the miserable scoundrel’s diabolically worthless life at the hands of our military better would be if we had video of him proclaiming, “Damn, it’s hot here!” upon arrival at his forever home.

For those keeping score, it’s Bullet 1, bin Laden 0. News networks keep showing the stock footage of tough guy bin Laden firing an AK-47, and it’s outstanding to know that showing off by firing a rifle didn’t help him against America’s best forces.

And we captured al-Qaeda’s chief bitch’s body, too. But then we foolishly threw it in the sea. Why was the man who supposedly represented everything The Religion of Peace did not afforded the dignity of being buried in accordance with Muslim tradition? It’s something we should ask our elected officials as soon as we’ve slept off the evening.

It’s a shame, as every American should have gotten to either spit on or kick his corpse. I would have chosen to kick. We should have then throw his evil remains in Gitmo after freezing him in carbonite.

Still, this is a time for avoiding looking to score political points, which is something that those who are informing us that Obama now can’t be beaten in 2012 should remember. In the spirit of bipartisan jubilation, it would also be nice if an incumbent who blames his predecessor for everything would conversely thank the same man for anti-terror initiatives and approval of interview techniques which led to actionable intelligence.

Instead, feel pleased that Obama dispatched superawesome Navy SEALs to take care of business. We should also solemnly recall how many great and good Americans have been murdered or wounded by an organization fronted by the most monstrous of lunatics. The unbelievable suffering inflicted directly by bin Laden upon some and indirectly upon friends, relatives, and the rest of us is a scar that will never heal.

But his banishment to Satan’s custody should also inspire happiness. May 2 is now National Hangover Day. Every year, we will commemorate the death of someone opposed to decadent alcohol consumption by depleting liquor stocks.

Some of us already set a fantastic precedent. The fabulous Dahlhallaand I were lucky enough to join the simply remarkable celebration in Times Square.

The scene was suitably amazing. Everyone was demonstrably festive, including the numerous upstanding firemen and cops present. The “U-S-A!” chant repeatedly sprang to life among the blissful attendees, a high percentage of whom proudly waved American flags. There are only so many moments when we get a chance to experience united euphoria, so we were sure to cherish one of them as it happened.

We then patronized some taverns in the spirit of the evening. I enjoyed the American Special, which is pints of Sam Adams alternating with Budweiser. The combination will the official drink special of May’s first day from this year forward.

It’s always nice to experience a moment of joy during oft-painful times. In an imperfect world, all we can do is bring dastards to justice. With that in mind, bin Laden was finally held accountable for destroying life.

He also tried to inflict a fatal blow upon freedom. But he died a failure. Despite his record as a the ghastly mastermind of mass murder, his most notable accomplishment was uniting citizens of the country with which he used the cheapest of shots to initiate a war.

Bin Laden learned the hard way what happens to those who pick a fight with the most blessed nation there is. God bless America, and don’t cross us.

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