Hollow Gold

There may not be comfort in knowing Donald Trump sucked, but at least the crash hurts less if you braced for it.  His classy blundering is not framed in the liberal sense of calling him a budding war criminal who should be impeached for being mean.  Instead, he should be loathed precisely because he acts like his nastiest critics.  It’s hard to appreciate irony while composing the Facebook post that’ll finally get the man they call Little Donny arrested.  Hating both sides has at least made life simpler.

A showman who mooches off government is a natural Democrat, which is why the incumbent spent far more time in the Party of Mondale.  Switching sides was the savviest move he’s ever made, although it doesn’t precisely indicate strongly-held values. As for the liberals who still get much of what they want, his parody of a heartless capitalist will fuel their delusions more than Watergate and the Tet Offensive combined.

Like he thought this term would be, familiarity with the golden president’s malleable nature wasn’t hard.  Anyone capable of reading text that’s longer than a tweet has known he was a shady character who sought the spotlight in a way that makes the Kardashians seem modest.

The exhausting show began long before he practiced for the Oval Office by dismissing minor celebrities from a chintzy boardroom set.  It remains surprising and deflating that there are voters who knew him as the Apprentice guy.  America still comes to terms with how many citizens saw him scold the American Chopper guy and thought “There’s a president.”

Our executive’s long history of mouthing off shouldn’t have been a revelation.  Trump exhausted me before I was in high school, which explains why I’m so sunshiny now.  To start, I remember a 20/20 interview in the late ’80s featuring a brash New York City real estate developer who had bigger gold-plated dreams.  I was a weird kid. Nonetheless, the profile of his dealings made young me curious about the personality type.  Was this brashness the way to go?  I quickly realized the answer was no.  Let your accomplishments speak for themselves.  I almost wonder if a loudmouth is compensating.

Abraham Lincoln’s skill as a writer is even more pronounced compared to the latest Republican president.  Following the news show’s interview, I tried to read The Art of the Deal and don’t ask for your sympathy.  The details of his amazing acquisitions were enthralling to some, I’m sure.  There’s something I share in common with him: I didn’t finish.  Offer a prize of of an unused Trump board game for anyone who has if they can prove it with a book report.  Bless anyone who’s tried to sludge through a dull tour of his remarkable ego for investigative purposes.  Those people don’t complain about waterboarding.

Looking supersedes bragging.  Voters could’ve chosen more wisely if only they spent three seconds investigating Trump’s bankrupt claims about Atlantic City, which you may not recognize as the glitzy rival of Las Vegas for the cosmopolitan gambler’s dollars.  That Taj Mahal sure sounded fancy.  Today, you can only monitor the peeling paint from the exterior of a place as deserted as Chelsea’s Clinton Foundation office. At least, it’s now officially so.  As New Yorkers, we do appreciate that he didn’t make the closest casino town too expensive so we can blow some cash nearby.  But some expensive hotel rooms are worth it.

What other random example tells the story perfectly?  Trump had the chance to give Americans more football, and he ruined it.  You can trust him if you’d like.  Pushing for the USFL to take on that more established pro football league was appreciated by Coke executives for making their formula change seem wise.  Sure, boasting while flubbing is totally not exactly what’s happened in his career and term since.  If he didn’t want us to keep citing obvious examples, he shouldn’t have created them.

Ever take a joke too far?  Teasing about running was how Trump measured the years passing.  He was off-putting on a more local and superficial level until fantasizing about being Earth’s most powerful man kicked in. He was never really into it, including when he won.  As with most of his curious projects, the announcement was supposed to be the end of it.  He got his attention and wanted to move on to the next vanity project.  But this isn’t marriage we’re talking about.

The spontaneous presidency may cause predictable reactions.  In exchange for coping, I’m remaining smug about being one of the Trump hipsters. We knew he was a conman before it was cool.  His boastful shtick was exhausting three decades ago.  Anyone learning so now can apologize by listening next time.  He’s only been yapping about how he’s Rich Jesus for as long as he’s been known.

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