Friends in No Places

Everyone is out to get you.  At least your paranoia is justified.  And it’s good to stay sharp.  A lack of pals keeps you on your toes.  It beats trusting strangers like some sort of fable where the protagonist is mugged for helping a stranger.  I’m still seeking a publisher interested in Rough Lessons for Kids.

Having no allies is frustrating, as you turn to find someone with the same gang jacket manning a switchblade and see only the alley’s garbage cans. But knowing nobody has our back is liberating.  There’s no hope of avoiding a shanking, so take comfort in a clear fate.

Everything’s new, seen as how there are two crummy parties instead of the usual one and a half.  At least it makes following the news easier.  Sure, it means the country is doomed.  But at least it’s not our fault.  It will be blamed on us, naturally. But the supremacy of the individual remains a constant, which means we’ll know who the idiots are.  Spot them by how they’re trying to save the nation via pointlessly excessive infrastructure spending.

Going without a party isn’t so bad considering who’s in them.  Besides, we can still have Andrew W.K.-style ones.  Look for enjoyment in everyday activities now more than ever.  Those who tweet angry replies to non-political posts for the lack of focus don’t seem happy, if you can believe.

Look at government fans rabidly lauding unctuous congressional dopes and ask yourself if you’d really like to join.  Try listening to music instead of C-SPAN.  It turns out melodies exist, which is a blessing to those who’ve only heard both sides argue they want to keep entitlements cushy through insolvency.

Without cable news on every waking moment, we can’t monitor the dreadful updates of the day repeated like agricultural mottos at Jonestown.  The absence of onscreen tilted panels isn’t as exhausting as imagined.  There’s no news channel for us, which means freedom like you couldn’t imagine if you’re unfortunate enough to care about our government.

It turns out there are are other things to watch.  In fact, many people have futuristic television services with more than three channels.  The abundance of music, cooking, and murder fiction fantasy networks are a blessing in an era where it’s desperately important to have outside interests.  This is a good time to find something else over which to obsess, as politics is the stupidest hobby of all. Following it in one’s free time is the only thing more shameful than pursuing it as a career.

Sail past news stations on this unanchored journey.  A cruise is much more peaceful without Fox News blabbermouths at the ship’s wheel. Those of us who once put it on first thing just to make sure there wasn’t a fireball that enveloped a city while sleeping are adjusting to looking for updates elsewhere.  There are ways to learn about breaking news away from conspiratorial lunatics with primetime hours.  Perhaps the internet contains news.

The lack of background noise is peaceful for more than reasons of volume.  Cable news detox wasn’t even that shaky. Nostalgia isn’t the best quality to associate with a 24-hour political channel.  Like the cancellation of Celebrity Name Game, there’s a vague sense that something was once on the screen at a certain time.

Sure, FNC failed to be intellectually complex or a forum for important debates.  But at least there was somewhere to hear a vaguely Reaganesque defense. Now, both sides often means having one.  It’s the dull statist versus someone who wants to put a flag decal on federal projects on Fox News every hour, so you don’t have to tune away just to avoid Shepard Smith.

If crummy plans are the norm, at least it’s nice not having to defend them.  Everyone is trying every policy but ours.  This is going to get pricey quickly.  Parties battle as if the last oxygen tank on a space station is the prize.  In reality, they’re just fighting over who gets to suffocate us.  Debating terms revolve around just how much to expand the brute’s dim influence into our lives.  Both combatants are quite eager to take credit for a decline that’s broke in more ways than one.

Principles remain even as the rubble crumbles.  Conservatives believe the only thing worse than government is those who want to be part of it. Could there be any stronger examples?

Join a party just for the chance to be in charge, as rewarding toadies is the very inspirational goal of contemporary governance.  Rule over people who don’t have a choice to prove beneficence.  Why try to convince when you can order?  Walmart took over our wallets through voluntary transactions, and at least we get chips and tube socks out of it. But attracting customers is hard work.  Just do it once with an election.

Nobody speaks for us, which means that we do.  That’s a responsibility worth having no matter how easy it would be to foist it on some politician. Besides, the relief from reasoning isn’t worth the price.  You don’t want either Chuck Schumer or Mitch McConnell speaking for you, right?

Conservatives are not expecting any leader to articulate our philosophy, especially this one.  Parties, presidents, and channels hold hands and slide down the mountain.  Their altitude isn’t rising no matter how much they use each other as sources to verify.

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Anno Donaldi

There will be a post-Trump world just in case the during part is taxing your resolve.  Imagining the calendar flipping more quickly than it can be turned helps on eternal days.  Fast-forwarding is not just to fantasize, although you should do whatever’s needed to get through the day.  If they haven’t run out of bourbon yet, it’s likely the supply will remain constant.

At least we’re already sort of there.  The president who supposedly embodied toughness has been as limp as his silhouette Twitter fans. Getting outfoxed is a nice break from being embarrassing.  Look on the bright side: an outsider president has stayed there.  An irrelevant executive can’t mess with us that much.  Ineffectiveness is government at its best.  Liberals should be pleased Trump isn’t changing things that much.  But they’re indignant that no one’s telling them how to live by law.

The shame will remain once the presidency ends.  Both those who believed Trump would install a marble clad-utopia are cloaked in humiliation just like those swearing at the children of Republicans.  It’s nice that they share a common interest.  Deciding that it’s a moral imperative to be as obnoxious as possible is a reflection of the subway panhandler, not the commuter just trying to hear the podcast.

There’s a hangover ahead, and protesters don’t even enjoy intoxication. Coming down from the frenzy won’t lead to shrewdness in retrospect. Maybe we can get them to be civil.  Sure: and then get them to admit the Constitution contains nothing authorizing mandatory insurance.

For now, they must lose their freaking minds as melodramatically and publicly as possible. There’s an emergency occurring, namely something not going how they wanted.  The siren wails for as long as anyone else thinks differently.  Dissent is a special occurrence which to liberals justifies enjoying fun moments like an ideological foe’s death or thinking someone who votes differently deserved bullets.  Join them so they respect you.

It’s uncanny how special circumstances force them to unabashedly despise those who voted differently every time there’s a Republican in office.  If it’s tiresome watching them throw a tantrum because someone might reverse one of their dreadful initiatives, imagine what it’s like to be them.  Absence of agony offers semi-relief.  Their utterly pleasant collective demeanor hasn’t improved since Nixon, although it as gotten far worse.

Constant hate isn’t a virtue.  Shake it up a bit.  If there’s ever a normal Republican with manners and a semi-conservative voting record, the figurative executive will still be Adolf Rumsfeld.  Liberal replies are going to remain just as charmingly hateful, not to mention that they’ll simultaneously continue their habit of declaring they tolerate everything that agrees with them.  There are no learned lessons, which is why they believe what they do in the first place.

At least the unpleasantness is bipartisan.  This is the era for changing the locks.  Those who commandeered the party are steering now, which means they’re responsible for the direction.  Granted wishes are curses, they noted as the bumper dangled from the guardrail.

Republicans proving their revulsion for government by nominating the most distasteful option possible.  But Democrats should be the ones learning, as they cope with a braggart claiming he can change everything by fiat.  It’s not fun when the other side tries, is it?

All this arguing obscures common goals, like deciding everyone else is a subhuman toxic sewer monster.  The principled ideology of hating everyone who’s deemed to not meet their standards is how the modern liberal flaunts tolerance.  They’re so pure that they won’t even respect someone who helps them.

I’ve lost count of how often Trump makes up a policy to expand power like their precious previous leader.  But he doesn’t even have to commit the mortal sin of thinking everyone paying the same tax rate would be both fair and an enticement for advancement for them to treat him like a gun-owning coal miner.

While arguing over personality has been as much of a blast as expected, conservatives must remain focused on ideas.  The cult of personality just doesn’t seem constitutional. Prepare now to get back to actually having ideas deeper than noting one clod’s unchallenged awesomeness.  Of course, this doesn’t mean the other ostensible side deserves support. You don’t have to patronize Arby’s because Subway is on the other side of the street and the walk signal’s broken.  Maybe make a sandwich at home instead of dining with the tasteless.

Get hated by newspapers and celebrities for the proper reasons.  Dismay is normal for those who want to limit government despite getting blamed for the actions of a president out to expand it.  Seek a nominee who ticks off liberals for more than his churlish demeanor.

Contemporary melancholy should be used as motivation, not an excuse to wallow. Prepare for them to despise us like Nazis who don’t care about gas mileage.  Irrational contempt based in thinking nobody can question daft progressive goals is normal.  So, we may as well make them hate us for legitimate reasons.  It’ll make their nastiness justified in its repulsive way.  Liberals are confused enough, so we may as well give them a hand.  And they think they’re the humane ones.

Mock Correctly

Actual criticism of the Trump presidency should be as easy as pointing out there’s something odd about his hair. Only liberals could blow it.  That’s one way to show how much they still admire Hillary.

An oafish con man whose guiding principle is his own awesomeness despite evidence got all the way to the top, and those waging pretend war against him waste their capital on the silliest of conspiracies.  Nobody involved is a good entrepreneur, and it shows. They’re mustering the Obamacare of criticisms as he doesn’t really repeal it.

Would you believe anti-Trump protesters are stressed out?  I’m starting to wonder if they’re a bit overwrought.  By their own predictions, they should be in internment camps by now, and I doubt they’d have enough wifi there to bitch as much as they do on social media.

A silenced populace shouldn’t be able to moan this much.  At least the First Amendment is proven safe.  Still, the tension caused by perpetually flexed muscles might manifest itself in hateful lunacy. The science is settling.

This term has featured countless offenses against decency and sense.  The president has done lots of silly things, too.  Like a defense lawyer wearing rainbow suspenders, nothing they do is taken seriously.  Why not count to 10 before posting a thoughtful Facebook manifesto on why Trump’s junta means he should be arrested by Secret Service agents?

You can love your grandma and ice cream at different levels.  Perhaps attempt to mock this predictably oafish golden White House without calling for impeachment proceedings to begin in the next five minutes.

Going to DEFCON 1 every day is exhausting to silo manners, especially considering they don’t believe in military spending.  Citizens eventually tune out the sirens.  The silence will be deafening when the power’s cut, especially if there was never the armageddon which was supposed to come every weekday.

The purportedly openminded should expand their horizons.  Consider their stereotype of a heartless businessman.  Like most things Democrats believe, it’s untrue.  This favor-buying showman posed his way into media appearances by slapping his name on the gaudiest of tacky buildings, which is to say the opposite of generating value.  He should’ve been busy reviewing contracts.  But that would make him an actual capitalist.

Trump’s self-appointed progressive enemies should loathe actual businessmen for a change.  The targets are hard to spot on account of being too busy creating goods and services to run for president on an ego-driven whim.  Perhaps they should even attempt to copy the example of making customers happy, as manufacturing resentment doesn’t seem too profitable unless one can get on MSNBC.  But they don’t seemed programmed for optimism despite all the bullplop Barack Obama fed them.

Those who have the most right to be offended are conservatives.  Naturally, they’re the quietest.  Try to spot them by how they sigh upon noting their fates.  By contrast, marching with poster board featuring a cuss word is the primary way of signaling virtue.  You’d think the public rage would be reversed considering whose views are linked to a lurching brute whose own doctrine is a bit more lax.  The fact those who remembered the Constitution is real aren’t smashing Starbucks demonstrates self-control is more than something they merely profess.

As for our liberal friends who seem to want aneurysms, they struggle to argue with their indoor voices.  It goes beyond struggling with losing to this trashy bordello supervisor.  More glaringly, they still refuse to admit he’s human even if reasonable doubts are understandable.  Sure, he might not embody the best of our species as he airs out personal beefs in poorly-constructed beefs in lieu of serving with dignity as head of state.  But I’m afraid he’s still one of us.

Such melodrama is natural from those who presume that not only can there be no reasonable dissent but also that every issue determines the universe’s fate.  As a reminder, they think their side has all the funny people.

By shrieking until our ears bleed, they show how pain is communal.  The eternal wail is not exactly creating allies.  Adult tantrums actually alienate those of us who think he neither has the experience nor demeanor to run a 7-Eleven cash register, much less be the most powerful man on Earth. I shuddered there.

A semi-celebrity putz may not have been the best choice to serve as head of state for the universe’s best nation.  But that doesn’t make a china-smashing buffoon evil.  It’s easier to go with Voldemort Hitler than make reasoned criticisms.  Maybe they fear realizing how often they agree with him if they really thought it out.

Set aside the mutual fondness for curing illnesses with the healing power of executive authority.  Liberals will never stop fuming at a president whose policies they’d like if they didn’t know his name.  They cope by making reckless assumptions in rants too emotional to feature proper grammar.

Trump’s liberal enemies are as over-the-top as he is.  Nobody seems into finding common ground even if they’re standing on each other’s toes.

Outside for a Reason

Irrationality leads to irony.  Let’s learn this time.  Oh: forget it.  We’ll end up ruing unlearned lessons yet again if we remember anything at all, as forgetting what was for breakfast yesterday what our species does. Is that what happened?  Anyway, take how we think of those in office as cockroaches without the charm yet keep electing vermin.  We’re all beyond sick of politicians.  So, vote for someone who doesn’t know politics.  Now look surprised when incumbents know how to neutralize him.

A go fish player promised he’d come in and beat poker pros.  They were totally going to be taught how to bluff.  Instead, the guy whose Atlantic City poker palaces have locked doors is showing everyone else at the table his cards.  I was so sure he wouldn’t be outfoxed by people who have dedicated their lives to marking them.

Teach Jared Leto to not be pretentious, and he stops being who he is. Maybe that’s good.  But it’s better to find someone fundamentally different than attempt to change someone fundamentally flawed.  Take avoiding a president who has no idea.  A coherent ideology would’ve been a good start.  But that would require thinking out actions, which doesn’t really jibe with our impulsive incumbent’s approach.  Go double or nothing on debt.

Someone who claims to just get things done inevitably doesn’t know how to go about it.  I suspect the president is continuing his lifelong hobby of stumbling along and being admired for it. Cynicism is who I am, so I’m sorry to be cruel to the sensitive boy in charge. Still, the difference between conception and reality is embodied by how the Red Hat Brigade portrayed their robust messiah compared to how flaccid he’s been in office. The example should and will never be heeded.  His election continues to resonate.

The impromptu presidency is going exactly as you’d figure.  That’s not a virtue.  The daily Oval Office randomness is surprisingly predictable.  Find sick amusement in how a professional politician might know how to get around the barriers against which Trump is bruising his pompadour.

The figurative competent bore elected on Earth-Two would not only possess a worthwhile platform but have displayed a way to get it enacted.  Think of, oh, a senator or governor with a history of useful votes.  Then remember all that starry-eyed hope you had when you were young and innocent last year.

A lack of clear-cut principles means flexibility.  Sure: go with that.  Fantasyland is where every decision breaks our way.  For those who won’t spend that much to be told what to do by Disney’s chief rat, we know that someone with no ideology inevitably acts as a statist goon.  Get into power and conclude every problem can be fixed by it.  The tendency is as apparent as the president’s eagerness to boast.

A dashing billionaire who loves natural rights and can do more pull-ups than even Putin couldn’t possibly let down his entirely levelheaded fans.  The confusion when he doesn’t act like Reagan is particularly acute.  They were so certain when he was so much better than that lightweight prequel president.

Sure, he didn’t technically make any of the stirring defenses of liberty his shock troopers heard.  But L. Don Trubbard’s Sea Org wasn’t going to be deterred by anything like the record.  In fact, they’re going to destroy those with blasphemous notes that slander the prophet with insolent accuracy.

A guy who ran for an office he didn’t want is sure to think just like you.  Figure he’s bound to be for shrinking bureaucracy just like he’s a genuine real estate titan.  If you never presumed Trump is a Burkean adherent of natural rights, your pessimism is dragging down an otherwise omniscient leader.

Projecting dreams on him is how he got here despite how he’s not good at it or fit for it.  Someone without a defined outlook comes across as phony, which is quite a feat in its way.  But I’m sure this president wouldn’t just say something to please whichever audience he’s facing.

Gin may cure drunkenness.  Still, wait to operate heavy machinery until the morning just in case.  This solution doesn’t seem to be working. Those who maintained revulsion to one-party rule voted for the purported outsider who bolstered it.  All this confrontation has resulted in government cooperating to keep spending away.  Decide for yourself if the fight for nothing was worth it.

There’s bad news for those who thought the system would be shaking.  Instead, the roots are even further into the pipes. In fact, those inside hope for someone foolish enough to think he’ll storm in and school them. A charlatan’s inevitable ineptness allows slimy congressional pros to do as they wish.

Bored at the challenges he didn’t bother to imagine, the incumbent goes along with, what’s the word, the establishment.  If you thought you were sick of politicians before Trump came along, wait until he’s done.

We’re to Blame

Useless people taking us all down with them is kind of a skill, which should help their self-esteem.  Collectivizing failure might reduce credit. But that’s not an issue for those who never earn it.  Lack of personal responsibility is part of having a country where everyone pays for everyone else.  That means nobody’s billed, which costs more than expected.  Still, splitting the check evenly is popular among those who order potato skins and three extra margaritas. Yours got way more salt than mine.

Sharing as policy is endorsed by those who aren’t good enough at anything to succeed on their own.  Forget seeing life as pleasantly demanding, as pouting is how some relax.  Get enough ingrates to vote and you can make those willing to face the day’s challenges cover your bills. Those who don’t believe in the entrepreneurial spirit sure are fine with exploiting it.  They only believe productivity exists to mooch.

Charge the hive.  If collectivism is good enough for insects, it should be for the jerk species that starts wars and doesn’t always recycle.  Lousy humans made the Earth tricky for bees, so copy them as an apology.  But the nagging self-awareness distinct to Homo sapiens makes many think we could give individuals credit.  Unlike bugs, we could even call them by name: good job, Lou and Cindy.

Just how are human-loathing humans confused?  They either don’t realize they’re making things more expensive on the whole or are fine with billing others.  Classify targets as the rich to make confiscation feel morally correct, as if being relatively successful justifies taking more to give to those who make less. Forget actual cost-cutting through letting businesses slug it out for our bucks: lower prices by punishing raises. The guilt over eternal handouts will hopefully last slightly shorter.

America doesn’t have lots of money: certain individuals do.  If you’re not one, learn a trade instead of slamming those who already did.  Presuming that cash belongs to all of us isn’t just very selfless.  Even worse, it ignores what enabled so many to afford beverages for the whole party at White Castle even if there are free refills of fountain drinks.

Citizens are left the hell alone to earn at will, at least theoretically. Those solemnly proclaiming “A country as rich as ours should be able to (provide insurance for all citizens/pay a living wage/buy everyone a hydrofoil in the color of one’s choice)” never seem interested in joining the ranks of the promoted. Sanctimony can only be sold so often.

Did you know some scientists think there are consequences for actions? Those who predict civilization’s effects would have flooded America into Nebraska a decade ago should pay attention to these experiments’ results.

Liberals never realize the cure is the cause.  Taxing success ensures there are fewer rich jerks to sock.  Wealth transfer doesn’t help either end of the mandatory transaction.  The philosophical violation has nasty practical effects.  But nobody said tearing up the Constitution would create comfort.

Guilty millionaires don’t make it easier by compensating with preening. They demand publicly to not get a slight lowering of the astounding burden they presently bear, although they tell their accountants differently.  Aside from their curious fondness for deductions and aversion to voluntary contributions, it remains mysterious why they don’t want to help their fellow humans by hiring them or buying stuff they sell or make.

Spreading wealth makes it harder to gain. That’s one of those lessons to learn before wondering if grass clippings are edible.  Some are just trying to stuff their pockets before the riot cops arrive and ruin all the fun.  Who cares if the country’s getting poorer as long as I’m handed some?

The ironically selfish urge to take from others is going to take force.  Someone else should be paying your bills.  Greedy people refuse to hand over the goods for which they toiled, so we’ll have to make a law.  The new type of criminal doesn’t want to be taxed into oblivion.  These felons steal from their own paychecks.

People who think gender switcheroo is possible have trouble with other pronouns, too.  “Me” becomes “we” so easily.  Third-person plural enables us to claim acclaim like we did something just watching.

Sports fans who refer to their teams as if they were on rosters illustrate the perils of fantasy.  Who could learn to run a pass route?  Just like it never occurs to our enlightened neighbors that they could help charities on their own, redistributionists figure they’ve got no chance.  They may be right.  But that doesn’t entitle them to drag down everyone else.

A Place of Their Own

We are sorry the wealthiest and freest place around isn’t up to liberals’ standards.  The insufferable Yelp reviewers of politics know just how much cilantro their dishes should have contained despite struggling to operate microwaves on the rare nights when they don’t dine out.

America must be a horrid place when so many commoners can pay others to prepare and serve meals a couple times per week.  Tweet about how bland everything is at Cafe America from a magic affordable pocket screen that accesses all information we have from space beams.

It’s tough to debate freedoms with those who think we shouldn’t have them. Take how Obamacare didn’t go far enough because Republican hate speech made the public aware that people are capable of buying their own things.  Some are only happy after change.  Intolerant equality fans think this country became great once it allowed intramural marriage, so the president’s slogan made no sense.

Love is conditional, according to sophisticated modern man.  Liberals will remain patriotic as long as judges order their policies into place. Admiration is precarious.  A slight cut in federal funding for Planned Parenthood’s baby foundry means this will be a worse place than the Darth Vader lava planet. He didn’t care about global warming like a typical Republican.

Those sweet kids who think we can be ordered to buy something by law don’t much care for the country.  That’s not a slander.  In fact, they’d think it’s a compliment.  The obvious and lazy charge is nonetheless accurate. Love America so much that you want to change everything about it.  We help each other, you know.  Doing so by law may get pricey, but that’s how we ensure trust.

Those who can’t determine why the government failed to create efficiency despite what the law said are confused about so many things.  In particular, they never seem to be sure if they think America is worse than people who fuel cars with gasoline or if they love a pretend version where forced insurance embodies our values.  Either way, their schemes don’t fit in a country founded in the name of being left alone.  We trust you can do it.  Of course, our Founding Fathers didn’t anticipate future people would invent genders and get offended by the suggestion that human progress isn’t ruining our world.

To be fair, liberals like it when everything’s going wrong.  They only feel patriotic when they get something that’s blatantly against the values that got us to first place in the Nation Olympics.  Medals are elitist, not to mention mining for them displaces indigenous peoples in the name of wasting Mother Gaia’s resources.

The enthusiasm when, say, the Supreme Court imposes its will evaporates instantly if they don’t get precisely what they want.  That’s adulthood for you.  Revoke their crummy insurance and suddenly they’re going to indulge in tantrums like true adults.

The inability to control rage is a symptom of a disease. Sufferers view America as just another UN country.  In fact, we’re worse than authentically poor nations because of our dedication to free exchange and banishment of war criminals to the afterlife.  Look for purportedly snarky tweets featuring the phrase “But the Constitution!” for a sense of their contempt.

It’s all about perspective.  Take some that are miserable.  Conservatives celebrate Independence Day despite infringements.  Liberals scoff despite getting what they want.  Decide which is more pleasant.

Mocking those who are uncool enough to feel blessed they’re in a country where taxation is viewed as a felony reminds us how easy it is to not appreciate what’s accepted.  It’s remarkable that wholesale socialism is so popular in a country that got here precisely by stomping it out.  People who got rich by whining about greed know how to profit in their way.

Even American Idol’s return can’t account for this much idiocy. Blame a combination of public schools who prove why government sucks hard at everything and people with nothing left to do but bitch thanks to lives so comfy thanks to the free market.  Those who have learned away from the educational public option know to call that irony.

Would anyone like to move somewhere that’s already been ruined?  Unlike the snotty left’s ludicrous proposals, getting the hell out is only a suggestion.  They can stay here and be miserable at the endless battle against free will and limited government.  Or visit somewhere enlightened people perfected like Venezuela.  Cuba is both perfectly equal and easy to reach by plane.

It’s not mean or too simple to note Elizabeth Warren’s fan club officers really don’t seem comfortable here.  A racist hellhole that thinks people should buy their own things is no place for an enlightened progressive.  Asking if they’d like to leave fairly modest compared to their seething fantasies about anyone who disagrees.  It’s no wonder they want gun control.

Wrong in New Ways

Who wants to spend all day deciding?  Your self-appointed superiors have deemed which options are unpalatable.  You jerks won’t even thank them.  Don’t look at previous results like some insubordinate ingrate.  Making assumptions relieves us of burdens, including how the free market is sweet because you can go to either Subway or someplace good. The notion of liberty is itself is a false choice.  Eat your fake Italian hero while being glad the government picked the perfect doctor for you.

It’s bad enough that those who elbow their way into power always figure there’s only one solution that coincidentally involves giving them more. But they have to lobotomize us as well.  The regular elections of such overbearing doofuses aside, we should get to exercise the basic right of going with this and not that.  But those who think removing competition creates efficiency aren’t into our autonomy. They never try something else because they don’t know it’s possible.  At least that explains the stuffiness.

There’s no need to think liberals are evil just because they do so for us. Forget how we’re mass murderers because we want to fix their catastrophes.  Who wants to join them in hitting rock bottom?  Imagine saying “equality” with that dim smirk to scare oneself off the idea.  No, those who think Washington is proficient at repairs are simply misguided. Their refusal to think there may be another way explains the delusion, sort of.

Getting our options confiscated isn’t what we mean by costs versus benefits.  Federal bossiness is demonstrably inefficient at liberty’s expense, which free market fans note is not an ideal tradeoff.  Declaring simple unsupervised transactions to be appalling is how they maintain control.  It’s not just over us but their own minds.  Well, you try living with such beliefs.  Obamacare remains the only way to help each other, according to those who think churchgoers are icky.

Why do you want something to cost money? The government can just give it to you. And here you are claiming to understand finances. There’s never been a catch in the world’s history, right? See, the thing is that anything generated will incur expenses. We’ll cover supply and demand in the next lesson.

Until then, put “free” in quotes every time.  The government ruling that something is ours complimentarily makes it both worthless and more expensive.  Defying economics is their specialty.  Sure, reality doesn’t warp to their will.  But there’s no need to check results when you’ve shown how much you care via spending the income of others.

It’s not like liberals would ignore evidence.  You see the comatose economy despite attempts to revive it with unfathomable debt.  And news consumers are confused when campus lunatics are labeled mostly peaceful as they topple ATMs for the crime of being near a speaker they dislike.  But to them, noticing things is hateful accuracy.  Now excuse them as they fetishize science.

Feminist literature majors think the lab coat lady comes out and issues a proclamation that can never be disputed. Of course, there’s nothing more unscientific than declaring a subject can’t be questioned.  A conclusion doesn’t mean it’s concluded. Yet those who think gender is a feeling hate your guts for daring suggest we head back to the lab.  We can have a snack first.  Let’s check the government’s old food pyramid encouraging healthy Americans to stuff as many bread slices in their gullets as possible. Make a noodle sandwich to get high on carbohydrates.

Our kind and gracious political opponents presume we want the poor to starve.  There has to be some way to profit off it.  They don’t know how to make money, but this is presumably it.  Every Hollywood feature details how those who run companies are greedy dispensers of evil, and celebrities are notorious for their nonpartisan fairness.  Don’t listen to those foolish optimists who claim a better economy would mean fewer collective skipped meals, as they’re just hoping to make money by hoarding insurance from orphans.

Draining the economy to help it will raise the tide.  You landlubbers don’t notice the sea levels rising because you deny global warming.  Still, there could be another way to run the country than letting idiots tell us what to do every moment.

The present system of entrusting pompous dolts who resent the productive decide how money should be spent doesn’t seem to have helped.  But like Katy Perry fans who’ve never heard of the Ramones, some may not even know there’s a better option than misery.

All that spending buys nothing but dependency.  I know conventional wisdom has never been wrong, but maybe it’s time to ponder a solution that doesn’t make people so freaking resentful.  If central planning fails, more of it may not be the answer.  Lifetime government workers have never had to worry about overhead.  Why would they?  It’s not their money.