Good Aggrieved

That’s not funny.  What’s the joke?  It doesn’t matter.  The perpetually aggrieved tirelessly monitor our innocuous social media feeds to uncover hatefulness among the jokes about women drivers and Polish men.  I think we’re hilarious, too.  But there are still Melissa McCarthy fans out there, which we must accept no matter how disturbing it may be.

The whining life chose them.  You’d be cranky if you were on call 24 hours per day to catch insubordinate criminals who claim the Constitution protects hate speech.  Laughter only makes the predicament worse.  Joke about everything being racist, sexist, and homophobic to get blocked on Twitter before you can even call a godless crusader a smug twit.  You’re not permitted to giggle anymore.  This is serious business.

Oppressive fascists can’t criticize members of a party renowned for quiet competence like the Democrats.  Is that right?  Negligible growth is easy to track.  Note how they promote very sensible humans who can’t be criticized for what they say because of who they are.  Take Quasi-Queen Hillary, who was wholly unqualified and corrupt according to misogynists who commit the foul of being perceptive.  Elizabeth Warren isn’t a grandstanding faker, either, unless you want Native Americans to suffer more.  She is from Oklahoma, after all.

Leftist fellas are exempt from your mean taunts about their votes ruining the nation, too.  Criticizing John Lewis is for neo-Confederates.  He did something courageous half a century ago, you see, and thus gets to be unpleasant as he invents rights.  Acting as if he can’t be wrong about something is actually insulting to him as a human.  But that’s the price of respecting the most important part of people in these advanced times, namely what they were born having. I apologize for assuming everyone’s race and sex.

The one certainty is that those who’ve decided to be men are the biggest jerks around.  Only certain genders can be incorrect.  Married men have known this for years, but there will be no more guffawing about it.  Mansplaining is as funny as fake gender-neutral pronouns, and we must condition away the cruel reaction of laughing.  Let’s be human here.

If a member of a different gender knows something, it may be a sign of privilege depending on if one of the parties can diagram a zone blitz.  Once again, I’m sorry to assign liking football to men.  No woman should be embarrassed that some dumb dude knows something she doesn’t. The present urge to shut up men only seems ironic, like pointing out that women in Saudi Arabia can’t drive or show ankles to histrionic Americans who claim the nation wages war on the pretty gender.

Who would dare oppose their amazing and beautiful views?  Some of those performing custodial work may not have time to enlighten themselves. Grown-ups have been busy sweeping up after trillions spent bought nothing but nukes for Iran, which my guidebook indicates may not be a country that is particularly progressive toward ladies, gays, or America.  At least the mullah aren’t as hateful as Red State residents who are fine with homosexuality while thinking marriage is a special ceremony between a man and woman.

You can’t disagree, which really should unite us.  Liberals have decided they hold the only reasonable positions despite evidence provided by experimenting with implementation.  It’s not that they should be censored, even as revenge.

Our sillier fellow citizens are free to believe anything they want despite the inherent peculiarity.  In fact, they should proclaim their fondness for baffling submission to Washington so we can note their identities and go to a different Applebee’s.  Their use of words like “science,” “equality,” and “fairness” to claim nobody reasonable can think otherwise is itself a joy.

Liberals have to win semantically when they lose on results. Rampaging about opposition is a byproduct of convincing themselves only they have reached fair and worthy positions.  It’s okay when everyone who disagrees is a ghoul who claims Caitlyn’s really a dude. It’s convenient to not have to debate. That time formerly spent explaining why natural rights are artificial to some tyrannical Republican bonehead can be used to re-watch a Seth Meyers screed.

Fighting those heartless apes who claim the Constitution doesn’t contain an insurance mandate is exhausting.  The guardians of perpetual welfare naturally can’t joke while they’re saving the world from commerce.  On top of that, everyone’s hostile just because they noticed the results of all this enlightenment.  The country was so despondent after eight years of their policies that they were willing to try Donald goddamn Trump.  You think you’d be happy after that?  Keep offending them so they have things about which to feel.

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