Critical Drinking

We don’t give a rat’s ass who approves of our opinions.  That’s the textbook term, at least if this column is being used in schools as it should.  People ticked off by both parties are free to speak their minds.  This sucks.  There you go.  An election that was supposed to stick it to the establishment reinforced it.  The bright side is how fun it is to bitch.

Every complaint ticks off the executive branch.  There’s your specific fun. An independent challenge is just what the president doesn’t want, which means it’s necessary. Bitching about whatever the government does is the fourth branch, so serve your constitutional role.  Let me suggest some snarky phrases to use on Twitter in reply to the White House account.

The boss needs more training.  Yelling at Donald Trump when he screws up like a trainee is how we hold insiders like him in line.  He shouldn’t have even been promoted to unpaid intern.  The next-best thing is yelling at the addled CEO.

Be as stingy with praise as is comfortable.  Like most of the good things Trump does, his positives are inadvertent. Still, he should semi-credit him for stumbling into correct decisions.  Bill Belichick became a genius because the president’s pal Tom Brady, which I note only to infuriate Patriots fans, happened to get a shot.  But he still gets the dang wins.  If the president signs a bill because a random Republican reminds him who he’s portraying, then it counts as half-credit.

Trump’s roulette number only comes up so often.  You’d think he could’ve exploited that in Atlantic City.  Blame the utter unwillingness to have thought out anything ever. Shia LaBeouf looks stable by comparison, which should motivate the alleged actor’s next protest to be spoiled by 4chan. The incumbent’s erratic nature keeps things fresh, which is the consolation prize for everything being criminally stupid.  Still, it’d be nice if he’d go crazy and remember he’s pretending to be familiar with the Constitution.

Irked conservatives can’t just consult the checklist.  But at least it’s a chance to remember why we signed up for this.  Those loyal to ideas have to think out each position. Oh: so that’s why I think that.  Thanks, I guess, Mister President. The Wheel of Misfortune means not automatically cussing at him even if he probably deserves to be scolded for something.  It’s a pleasant surprise when he does something right, which makes it like life.

Parties are not cults despite them being treated as such.  Like gender, modern definitions don’t change indisputable truths.  Modern men exacerbate their idiocy by deciding that everyone who came before was Biden-level obtuse.  Technology just makes people dumber more quickly.

Sorry to be insolent, but the president may deserve criticism.  I can hear the guillotine being sharpened.  Nonetheless, this is not a time for reflexively thinking an amateur White House is acting professionally.  We may have voted for members of the same ostensible party in a previous euphoric life where we dreamed that debt may someday spiral downward. But past performance doesn’t guarantee future results.  At the same time, we can pat on that legendary pompadour the occasional times he gets something right.

Both defenders and attackers are repulsive, which is the closest we get to bipartisanship these days.  Presuming that a pompous twit who backed his way into fame and semi-success is the ideal conservative won’t make it so.  But keep acting confused on social media.  By comparison, liberals compensate for how often he thinks like they do by flailing their limbs with extra vigor. Michelle Obama is pleased by the movement.

Judging him by each issue is one way to make the news less despondent.  Think through why, probably, the incumbent just did something unfortunate. If he managed to blunder into success, then acknowledge like an adult.  He could use the example.

Independence is now conservative.  It’s different from how liberals think everything they hold is centrist, which is how they ostracize everyone who disagrees as an equality-hating Hitler-hugger.  Find a Democrat pleased that, say, there’s still a law that insurers must sell their product for a rare instance if intellectual honesty.

The president should remember he’s in the party that was once vaguely welcoming to those who liked making money.  Or he should learn. Those already familiar are naturally ticked that he’s making it harder to elect future Republicans.  Voters now presume every right-winger is a sullen fan of massive spending and exhausting orders.  Praise him on the intermittent occasions when he remembers what side he pretended to join out of exploitative convenience in order to encourage more.  Now there’s a deal he understands.

There are a finite number of ways to cope with everybody fighting for the same dumb goals.  Those who hope vainly federal spending could actually decrease fear that our booze tolerance may rise above the level of consumption.  Even the most experienced political observers can only do so many shots in a row.  It’s hard to keep sharp when dullness is the cure to the disease that is politics.  Having to think if we agree is how to keep brain cells active.


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