Fit to Twit

Many people hate something they interact with constantly, which is only a mystery if you’ve never been in a relationship.  In these modern times, nothing embodies the human urge to indulge in something appalling like how Twitter sucks.  The ubiquitous site is a bag of Doritos that’s going to make you sick.  But knowledge won’t stop us from finishing it.  You simply must keep using what’s loathed.  Where else would you post about it?

Inveterate thought-sharers couldn’t have envisioned how miserable we’d become back in the carefree days of 2010.  The lack of vision happened because users were too busy documenting whatever was running through their minds that second.

Who could stop?  It’s a shame, as nothing inspires like hearing from people who are cranky in the same way I am.  One of the few ways to get through this miserable existence on this stupid planet packed with horrid jerks is finding people who are ticked off about the same things.  Our species is always seeking out the cathartic chord changes of blues music.

Tweeters agree with those in charge noting they’re awful at it.  Twitter executives, which is weird to type, have handed control to ostensibly indifferent formulas.  Still, the machines prompt suspicion.  The social justice social media twits decided algorithms should be in charge, which is like telling Sarah Connor to trust cyborgs. Even worse, those in charge of said algorithms are particularly woeful.  Humans are always the biggest issue, especially when they’re turning a formerly entertaining site into the BlackBerry of communication.

As good liberals, Twitter minions tolerate anyone who agrees with them. Anyone else is a homophobic misogynistic racist transphobic bigot whose jokes about Hillary losing are totally unfunny.

Messing with the accounts of anyone to the right of Bernie is just the start.  I wish I had never learned what a shadow ban is, especially since it may keep countless users from reading my wretched calls for help. Seeking an open forum is officially ironic.  Who needs a spectrum of opinions when you can have Twitter Moments explain why those who disagree with them are pond scum?

It’s a little too perfect how those who run Twitter can’t trust the free market.  Anyone participating could just block or mute anyone unpleasant.  But that moment of offense can apparently scar sensitive adult boys and girls for eternity. Choosing with whom to not interact means letting users decide for themselves, which is the sort of dangerous precedent that could encourage independent thought.

Twitter’s appeal is its simplicity, which of course makes it irresistible with which to meddle. It’s a way to bitch while reading bitching from others.  That’s we need to get though the days.  The site’s overlords won’t contain the urge to muck up what’s working.  That suicidal urge seems universal among all app staffs.  They are smarter than users about how things work, after all, so why wouldn’t they turn a pleasantly easy process into a baffling ordeal?

Time moves forward, which is so boring.  The site’s gnomes do everything they can to not show users the tweets they want in the order they appeared.  Stupid chronological feeds create the misleading perception that life is orderly.  They think they’re making it better by pulling wires when all they have to do is turn on the switch.

Creating your own news feed should have been one of the joys of these techno-times.  It’s fun to be your own editor.  Get around pompous gatekeepers who thought they were doing society a favor by lecturing about how Republicans want to hunt the indigent for profit.  That’s not to mention how criminally easy journalism is.  You mean you just note what happens?

Twitter quickly became a place where conservatives could circumvent the pompous twits who appointed themselves guardians of information by virtue of gobbling up the few channels available.  The internet lets anyone access everything, which is a fun way to pass the time if you haven’t tried it.  Naturally, undermining the system won’t be tolerated.

The little bird’s owners are letting it die.  Twitter’s bosses have no idea about the amazing thing they created.  It’s the George Lucas of social media.  It’s telling that there are precisely zero site employees with interesting accounts.  They’re too invested in being woke, which is a word whose redefinition puts “cool” to shame.

I hope Twitter gets better, which is the sort of folly common among people who think bitching about the news all day equals productivity.  But at least quixotic longing is a universal notion.  It’s prevalent even among those who interact with the corporeal world.

Cheering for a freer Twitter is like hoping atrocious sports teams or your crummy family are capable of improving despite experience.  As someone who cheers for Buffalo franchises, I can sadly confirm annually.  Something in which you’ve invested hope is tough to abandon no matter the urge.  It’s too bad we just can’t accept that something sucks.

Checking one’s feed as habitually as brushing teeth turns out to be swell for mental health.  The incessant carping can’t last indefinitely. Nothing is permanent, especially not an app.  The Myspace guys thought they’d be coasting well through this decade.  But I’ll still be sharing this very column in my feed.  It is mine, after all. That’s until I tick off an indignant impotent online mob for accurately calling someone a traitor.  Twitter’s all about not thinking past one’s current notion, and its employees are only shortsighted in its honor.


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