Hail to Hizzoner

Mayor Trump does a great job getting panhandlers off the subway.  Let my brain reside in the alternate Earth where life makes sense.  Instead, I’m stuck on this lousy planet where obviously horrid ideas have to be tried.  Even then, a disturbingly high percentage of inhabitants refuse to see what doesn’t work.00

Take a head of state with the instincts of a city executive.  Most city halls don’t have nuclear code access, which is another reason Donald Trump would’ve been better off in Gracie Mansion than the White House.  Let’s have a localized do-over.

Our president picks small fights in every sense.  Responding to insults is a better way to kill time on Twitter than serve as head of state. Someone with such dainty sensibilities shouldn’t hold Earth’s most criticized job.  That trend of noting what’s wrong is especially apparent under this president.  Getting sucked into petty squabbles is fine if you’re working downtown.  But that’s only if the city isn’t Washington.

New York City is a filthy, arrogant cesspool that never sleeps because it’s so exhausting.  In other words, it’s perfect for Trump.  A mayor is someone you can call when a traffic light is burned out.  That’d be a good level of responsibility for a former reality television character presently deciding who’s an American enemy.

Set aside how picturing Trump in a vest as orange at his face filling potholes would make life easy for New York Post headline writers. The government’s actual roles are pedestrian, which is why megalomaniac politicians so rarely do their actual jobs.  But one occasionally meets the challenge of a dull office.  That’s all to which a representative government should aspire.

Trump might be marginally competent at such routine tasks, even if there’s a danger he could be exposed as inept even at those.  He also might be bored by the drudgery involved with being based in Gracie Mansion, although it would’ve been easier to convince his family to relocate. But it’s a more natural fit.  Bitching on Metropolis’s behalf would be better than him setting trade policy.

Instead, Trump acts too small for a big office.  His incessant bickering with the press isn’t merely undignified for his level: it’s hard to look tough when the foe is so weak.  Paul Krugman can barely lift his necktie.

At a local level, his lame attempt to look tough might be passable.  But we’ve expected previous officeholders of the current job he’s staffing to control their understandably seething tempers at the idiocy around them.  A president should be above the fray.  Trump singes the edges.

It’s a shame the damage wasn’t limited.  Last year’s inglorious national election would have been far better if contained to New York City  like, ahem, some of us suggested. Either hopeless hopeful would be an upgrade from limp commie Bill de Blasio, who is so cranky because demonizing success and cops has not created utopia in the boroughs.  The fact Trump would be good for New York more of a comment on the incumbent than the worthiness of any potential replacement.

Knickerbocker mayor is a job for cranky fascists willing to take out their anger on muggers.  In other words, Trump should have run for a local office this year instead.  Each of last year’s national combatants have the suitable demeanor and scope to hassle New York.  Watching Donald and Hillary squabble over who’s better suited to manage garbage collection would have brought singular joy.

You could see Trump as Gotham’s mayor, and not just because it’s a post traditionally reserved for pompous jerks.  The position is one where quick outrage is actually a plus, as it may motivate action on mundane city manners.  The job’s biggest job is as de facto police commissioner.  Serving as Il Duce from city hall is where authoritarian impulses are put to good use.  Rudy Giuliani imposing order on the seediest metropolis this side of Bangkok is the best example of political proficiency in recent memory.  A lack of manners really helped.

In case Trump still hasn’t figured out the job this many months into it, he’s supposed to be head of state of Earth’s greatest country. He’s free to be an egomaniac, but he should at least be working to justify it.    Getting full of himself without cause explains everything, particularly his contempt for the free market.  Someone who pursued the job for ego massage should be limited to sewer patrol.

I live in New York City, and we deserve Trump.  Nastiness is the norm, while feeling drained is the default setting.  Everyone hates everyone else for good reason.  There’s no greater enemy than someone stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to read a text.  Hey: I know the perfect guy who should’ve been in charge.  Trump’s jurisdiction would still include his hideous black glass monoliths, but it wouldn’t have extended past the Hudson.  The rest of the country should’ve been spared.

Manhattan-based Trump might actually be admired for cleaning up Stink City.  And he’d have reached his level of competence, namely scolding municipal screw-ups.  But getting an undeserved promotion is sort-of an American tradition.  Arguing otherwise means defying the president’s example, and we should want to inspire schoolchildren.  We can at least dream that kids from New Jersey and beyond wouldn’t know his name.

Low on High Crimes

Arrest the president.  We’ll figure out the charges in the squad car.  He seems bad and thus belongs in handcuffs.  Liberals can’t even pretend to care about suspects’ rights anymore as part of their wholesale rejection all things constitutional.  That’s one kind of consistency.

A self-defeating ideology makes contempt fester even more unpleasantly than usual.  Hating both Donald Trump and free markets thwarts dreams of deposing him.  The key to stopping him lies in the system they hate.  He’s not a fan of it, either, which makes their seething even more sapping.  Instead of bonding over contempt for trading with other nations, both sides refuse to admit they have to work for what they want.  Mutual contempt can only unite them so much.

I get it.  This may be the most obnoxious president yet, but at least he’s clueless.  I never thought I’d feel sympathetic with liberals.  But that doesn’t mean he can be relieved of a job he fails to want.  He has to do something really bad first.  Putzing through a term doesn’t count, or there would’ve been a dozen impeachments by now.

Bossy types who aren’t bossy make it hard on themselves.  Their own ideology making it tough to beat the president they despise, which is the sort of lesson that makes everyone but them giggle.  The shouty left decided he must be removed at all costs while never establishing anything more than a vague case why.  Now, they look like conspiracy lunatics. That is, even more so.

If sign-waggers are trying to make him sympathetic through demonizing, then they’re doing swell. Keeping an unpalatable Republican who often thinks like a liberal in office helps their case, as their failed policies could be blamed on the other party.  Instead, they vow to battle their archenemy in the name of transgender kindergarteners.  At least they’re not extremists like those who pretend people can buy their own things.

You’re telling me people who imposed Obamacare looked for the outcome first? Finding evidence before concluding makes life much easier.  For people who profess to love science, they sure are determined to write conclusions.  Gender poetry classes didn’t teach earnest undergrads how to conduct experiments.

Capitalism is about addressing needs.  By contrast, command fans sell Trump’s disposal without demand.  The same shrewd observers who looked at decades of useless federal spending and decided it wasn’t enough have neglected to identify what high crimes and misdemeanors he’s committed. An unpresidential smirk doesn’t count.

Like the new bachelor who told his now-ex-wife how short her haircut was, overreacting can ruin everything.  Liberals make the mistake of thinking our president is evil.  In reality, he’s just a buffoon.  His plan to have his foes melodramatically overreact is brilliant, unless he’s unwitting as usual while lucking into success.

Demonizing political foes is an even more common Democratic tactic than daily impeachment watch.  Someone who thinks the government does everything with the economy but stimulate it can’t merely be misguided: they must want your grandma and assorted orphans to croak.  Likewise, shrieking that Donald should spend the rest of this term in Supermax is actually making it harder to curb him.  Accuse a shoplifter of murder, and he’ll get away with swiping those Milky Ways.

If Trump’s as bad as they say, they shouldn’t have to make up things. An unseemly fascination with Russia doesn’t mean the Second World kleptocracy used one of their seven computers to hack our patriotic voting machines. Presuming the conclusion before fitting the facts is how we got this much debt for these few goods.

Relaxing is impossible when there’s been a red alert for the entire year.  Tense muscles always enable clear thinking. One’s righteousness ranking would plummet with a weekend spent doing something other than marching.  They could just limit this dopey leader legislatively.  But that would require admitting a president can’t proclaim bills are laws without another branch acting first, and they oppose the precedent.

The worst part is how I agree with not giving him things to sign.  He’s closer to the left than either side feels comfortable acknowledging.  It’s easier to go to 11 right away than inch up the volume, which is why they decided he’s Hitler J. Satan before his inauguration.  Didn’t he do something bad with Putinland, a dump they suddenly loathe?  Go to trial and hope the jury doesn’t notice the district attorney neglected to present a case.

Facts can come later.  Ditching Trump would be so much easier if he, say, lied under oath.  Not doing what they envisioned is really cruel.  Their 1984 Handmaid’s Tale fantasy about President Voldemort was supposed to be nonfiction by now.  Details are just dumb.

Liberalism is about pretending silliness can come true.  It’s the case whether the government is giving everyone awesome insurance at a discount or removing an executive who’s merely cloddish.

User Named

The president who needs advice the most urgently preens that he has it all figured out.  Watch our leader share the outrageous notion that will totally still seem wise in three minutes.

Get used to regret, as screenshots others take are tough to delete.  As for the man who needs an Amazon Dash button for morning-after stationery, Donald Trump embodies Twitter like no other user.  It’s no wonder the site loathes him so.  He can speak without filters. There’s a new ancient Chinese curse: may your wish be granted.  A guy who urgently needs an editor doesn’t get one.

Like our nation, Twitter’s good despite who’s in charge.  You can say anything you’d like, unless some little narc reports you to a similarly-minded company toady.  There’s no problem as long as you think only rational notions and make sure you mean it when sending.  But it’s so fun to rant and click.  If social media is a mess, it means people are.  So, we’re doomed.  At least the descent will be well-documented.

The incumbent’s impulsiveness actually makes him a poor candidate to tweet a few dozen thousand times.  Clicking manically is precisely the wrong approach when you can post at light speed.  Pondering is most important when it’s easiest to skip. It may seem like Twitter and Trump go together like gin and vermouth.  But the actual cocktail tastes like rum with clamato. Instantaneous sites are no good without contemplation.  And he’s just the man to not think it out. That was like 17 updates ago.

The seemingly ideal social media fit is not as pure as it seems.  Twitter would be perfect as an indifferent forum.  Naturally, it refuses to be objective.  Pimping social justice junk somehow became the primary goal of a maxim-sharing service.  Twitter Moments is as reliably dull in liberalism as Mashable, Buzzfeed, Boing Boing, and all the other sites named by marker-huffing junior high kids. But at least their staff pursues the noble goal of protecting celebrities from nasty replies at all costs, as the lives of the blue checkmark gang are not cushy enough.

Trump needs a divorce from his account.  If the president and his favorite app were matched by eHarmony, they’d rightfully demand refunds. You’d think the proprietors of an obnoxious social media site would get along with its most notorious user. Unfocused leadership is a reflection of our lightning-fast world.  I’m ashamed of how primitive we still are, too.

Forget how the Outrage Brigade should be pleased at Trump’s frequent forays into liberalism. If you think they’re freaking out now, imagine what would happen if they realized the degree to which their Venn diagram circles overlap.

Twitter created something amazing they don’t understand.  It’s the George Lucas of social media. Credit is due for creating the amazing world of space battles and Wookiees.  But, like the site where Katy Perry is a saint, he gets no credit for what follows the concept. Lucas had to have control wrested from him by Mickey Mouse to avoid another film about trade disputes and Jar Jar.  Likewise, inane timeline meddling is as tiresome as Twitter’s assumption that Republicans hate equality because they didn’t want to change marriage.  Did you know that love wins?

Speaking of people who didn’t think things out, President Trump still can’t believe he bluffed his way here.  His bets never worked in Atlantic City.  Twitter is what you make of it, like how he turned inane grievances into becoming Earth’s most powerful man.  Bitching about anything you’d like is the dream in an imperfect world.  But with marginal power comes a bit of responsibility.  It’s crucial for those sharing to realize how easy it is to create personal crises.  The man setting freaking national policy should learn first.

We can’t blame employees when an executive user shows Twitter at its worst.  It’s not because of anything the site did.  His odd capitalization and catfights would be embarrassing for a retiree with “#MAGA” in his bio and penchant for trusting Gateway Pundit.  Trump’s petty beefs are as bad as the phrasing out of a 1970s Korean motorcycle manual.  Electing an amateur has caused professional crises.

Twitter is a twisted world of unpleasant deviants.  And that’s just the accounts with real names.  It’s a place where everyone can give an opinion.  Yikes.  Our species just has to get better at editing. Tweeting is such a free market that people freak out at the purity like they do at Uber surge pricing.  It’ll take time to adjust to not having life controlled by dolts, whether it be taxi medallion issuers or obtusely pompous publishers.

But keep faith in self-publishing even if it’s as exhausting as following Vox.  We must remain committed to both the republic and social media despite how certain people unfortunately use each.  Elect and follow wisely.  Take a deep breath before sharing and remember that it’s possible.

The Unpopulist Presidency

It’s hard to learn history when it started in January.  You can’t forget what happened in the 1800s if you never learn it.  Those not interested in the dumb corded-phone past may nonetheless enjoy learning the ghost of some old dude haunts the Oval Office.  Ask the incumbent who William Jennings Bryan is for a mirthful break from the day’s crude updates.  Donald Trump presumes he’s some low-energy twit at National Review.

Those who are aware of what happened before breakfast feel like the preening masks something old familiar.  The embodiment of populism is finally president, at least in spirit.  Bryan’s beliefs made it to the White House on the fourth try thanks to someone who wasn’t trying at all.

The fascination with shiny pricey metals indicates WJB may be reincarnated.  The man he’s inhabiting is a fan of all things golden. It obviously represents the awesome level of success you’d expect from someone who made owning everything in the Sharper Image catalog a life goal.  The actual valuable resource is tougher to acquire. He’s not a collector of solid bars, which anyone paying attention could’ve told you by 1989.

As for a century before that, free silver was somehow the day’s biggest issue.  I’d love to get some today along with a liquor store who’ll accept it as currency.  Bryan was the biggest fan, but not because of anything he believed.  The man who couldn’t beat McKinley famously said “The people of Nebraska are for free silver and I am for free silver. I will look up the arguments later.” No politician would ever declare something so goofily pandering in these sophisticated modern times.  Now, let’s keep forcing insurers to sell their product because the public thinks it’s mean.

Classic ideas are the most rotten over time.  Another politician is indulging in the worst thing possible, namely doing what people want.  Have you met any?  Yikes.  Click a trending hashtag for a frightening glimpse of what happens when humans get free reign.  Doing as polls wish is an easy way to get support and the worst way to fix the country. Even worse, cheaply expensive bribes only work so many times.  Good luck winning an election after circumstances turn because you obeyed the popular will.

Trump may be marginally better at sensing what’s right than the typical liberal, although he remains their frequent ideological pal.  The fact they are as horrified that Trump often agrees with them as they are by the idea of promotions almost makes this all worth it.  An occasional sop to Republicans is more for him to remember what party he’s presently in than any demonstration of principles.  Think of George R.R. Martin trotting out the occasional dragon only to shut up frustrated fans.

It’s important to know which people to patronize.  Trump likes demean his very fans who claim their foes like being humiliated, which at least shows an inadvertent sense of humor.  Get amusement where you can. Sure, he ruined the party.  But he inspired insane protests by lunatics who agree with most of his policies.  And there is his welcome instinct to condemn terrorism as a basic threat to civilization, which shouldn’t be novel as it is.

Our sweet fellow countrymen think he’ll do what they want, which is a guaranteed way to be very happy and never ever disappointed.  Leaders are totally going to fulfill promises, including those you only thought you heard.  The uncommon adoration for Trump is amusingly held up as a virtue.  It only shows that the zombie parasite infects on a bipartisan basis.  A president should have some idea of what he’s going to support.  But he has to have ideas first.

There’s good news for anyone who feared having to think for themselves.  The perpetually retired Barack Obama dictating what was best for everyone trained us for domination.  Now, we get a leader who’s both bossy and eager to appease.  Party and personality change notwithstanding, the government will fix it no matter what’s broken.  Your busted taillight just needs a sledgehammering.  Both repairmen create the same results, and isn’t it nice to agree?

It’s not that people need to be told what to do.  In fact, it’s the opposite: the populace should be made to figure things out on their own.  Stop expecting the president to heed your whims.  Doing what they want rather than having politicians hand it to them would set a dangerous political precedent, so do that.  Our present 19th-century approach working as well as expected in our own times.  We always hope a leader will do what the people want.  But it’s usually not us.

Critical Drinking

We don’t give a rat’s ass who approves of our opinions.  That’s the textbook term, at least if this column is being used in schools as it should.  People ticked off by both parties are free to speak their minds.  This sucks.  There you go.  An election that was supposed to stick it to the establishment reinforced it.  The bright side is how fun it is to bitch.

Every complaint ticks off the executive branch.  There’s your specific fun. An independent challenge is just what the president doesn’t want, which means it’s necessary. Bitching about whatever the government does is the fourth branch, so serve your constitutional role.  Let me suggest some snarky phrases to use on Twitter in reply to the White House account.

The boss needs more training.  Yelling at Donald Trump when he screws up like a trainee is how we hold insiders like him in line.  He shouldn’t have even been promoted to unpaid intern.  The next-best thing is yelling at the addled CEO.

Be as stingy with praise as is comfortable.  Like most of the good things Trump does, his positives are inadvertent. Still, he should semi-credit him for stumbling into correct decisions.  Bill Belichick became a genius because the president’s pal Tom Brady, which I note only to infuriate Patriots fans, happened to get a shot.  But he still gets the dang wins.  If the president signs a bill because a random Republican reminds him who he’s portraying, then it counts as half-credit.

Trump’s roulette number only comes up so often.  You’d think he could’ve exploited that in Atlantic City.  Blame the utter unwillingness to have thought out anything ever. Shia LaBeouf looks stable by comparison, which should motivate the alleged actor’s next protest to be spoiled by 4chan. The incumbent’s erratic nature keeps things fresh, which is the consolation prize for everything being criminally stupid.  Still, it’d be nice if he’d go crazy and remember he’s pretending to be familiar with the Constitution.

Irked conservatives can’t just consult the checklist.  But at least it’s a chance to remember why we signed up for this.  Those loyal to ideas have to think out each position. Oh: so that’s why I think that.  Thanks, I guess, Mister President. The Wheel of Misfortune means not automatically cussing at him even if he probably deserves to be scolded for something.  It’s a pleasant surprise when he does something right, which makes it like life.

Parties are not cults despite them being treated as such.  Like gender, modern definitions don’t change indisputable truths.  Modern men exacerbate their idiocy by deciding that everyone who came before was Biden-level obtuse.  Technology just makes people dumber more quickly.

Sorry to be insolent, but the president may deserve criticism.  I can hear the guillotine being sharpened.  Nonetheless, this is not a time for reflexively thinking an amateur White House is acting professionally.  We may have voted for members of the same ostensible party in a previous euphoric life where we dreamed that debt may someday spiral downward. But past performance doesn’t guarantee future results.  At the same time, we can pat on that legendary pompadour the occasional times he gets something right.

Both defenders and attackers are repulsive, which is the closest we get to bipartisanship these days.  Presuming that a pompous twit who backed his way into fame and semi-success is the ideal conservative won’t make it so.  But keep acting confused on social media.  By comparison, liberals compensate for how often he thinks like they do by flailing their limbs with extra vigor. Michelle Obama is pleased by the movement.

Judging him by each issue is one way to make the news less despondent.  Think through why, probably, the incumbent just did something unfortunate. If he managed to blunder into success, then acknowledge like an adult.  He could use the example.

Independence is now conservative.  It’s different from how liberals think everything they hold is centrist, which is how they ostracize everyone who disagrees as an equality-hating Hitler-hugger.  Find a Democrat pleased that, say, there’s still a law that insurers must sell their product for a rare instance if intellectual honesty.

The president should remember he’s in the party that was once vaguely welcoming to those who liked making money.  Or he should learn. Those already familiar are naturally ticked that he’s making it harder to elect future Republicans.  Voters now presume every right-winger is a sullen fan of massive spending and exhausting orders.  Praise him on the intermittent occasions when he remembers what side he pretended to join out of exploitative convenience in order to encourage more.  Now there’s a deal he understands.

There are a finite number of ways to cope with everybody fighting for the same dumb goals.  Those who hope vainly federal spending could actually decrease fear that our booze tolerance may rise above the level of consumption.  Even the most experienced political observers can only do so many shots in a row.  It’s hard to keep sharp when dullness is the cure to the disease that is politics.  Having to think if we agree is how to keep brain cells active.

The Knack and How to Lose It

Instincts are a great way to do even stupider things more quickly.  Sometimes, those not known as intellectuals lack street smarts as well.  A massive lurking id may just reflect a dim ego.  Speaking of both, Donald Trump’s impulsiveness was supposed to be an asset.  Never has a staff had to spend so much time hiding a phone.  Noting who’s commander-in-chief is intended to frighten, as that adrenaline surge will help us get through the next international incident caused by a tweet.

Everything’s misinterpreted.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?!  Anyway, these modern times mean deciding instantly what might take ages to properly evaluate.  And nobody better embodies snap judgments than a president who tweets like he has 300 followers and doesn’t realize they may find his take on a Fox & Friends segment crude.  I can’t figure out how he won.

Advanced contemporary humans mistake crudeness for bluntness.  It’s just the most prominent of the many presumptions that America’s trendiest cult shares.  But blurting doesn’t necessarily reflect common sense.  In fact, someone might be reflexively uttering claptrap.  We want folksy wisdom but get a Kevin James sitcom instead. Connecting a quick verbal trigger with a disdain for federal overreach is how we got a Republican who is scared to touch entitlements.

A purported commoner is finally getting used the highest office.  Beg for mercy.  Don’t worry, as it gets worse.  If it’s not clear yet, the electoral process concluded with the last guy we should want to speak for us.  That’s accurate unless we’re loudmouth grifters.  A New York City liberal business poser spoke for the people, as accuracy is the hallmark of our times.  Did you know all businessmen are conservatives?

The capricious presidency sure is predictable.  Anyone who lived nearby or watched one of his performance art publicity stunts knew how much head-shaking would follow.  Perhaps there’s a downside to making someone Earth’s most powerful man who’s unwilling to do the work.  A universe of incorrect assumptions shows the downside of having every bit of information at arm’s length, namely checking none of it.

Just because someone is discourteous doesn’t make them honest.  So, that’s how advertising works.  The executive pitchman blurts things out because he hasn’t thought them through.  There’s a bipartisan craving for dullness.  It’s be so nice to have a conventional leader who has an answer ready for every question.  That doesn’t make them robotic any more than an SAT preparation class is cheating one’s way into college.  Being prepared is a sign of inauthenticity if you wonder why you sigh so much.

Let me agree with you that your issues are the most important.  Thank you for believing me.  Crudely aping what an audience wants to hear is how to keep it real.  This is a time for feelings, which is why nobody listens to explanations of what’s unconstitutional.

Even good ideas can be expressed badly.  We could have secure border without needing to erect a goofy wall.  He’s more into stapling on black glass than building from the start, anyway.  I’d never dare accuse Trump of saying something just to seduce.  But, like Eastern European models, voters eager to be convinced served a purpose to him.  Exploitation isn’t what free markets are about no matter what liberal critics claim.  None of them make money honestly, either.

We warned that someone so shapeless would be easily molded.  No, it’s not a knock on his body by Diet Coke, as there’s no reason to sink to his Insult Shock Brigade’s level.  They’re understandably crabby about his impotent output compared to their virile dreams, although there’s no reason to feel sorry for them.

Is your mind blown?  The establishment is so busy picking up rubble that they can’t run our lives anymore.  They should get wheelbarrows to make the illusion complete.  Now, Washington tells you what to do, only with a cuss word instead of a dull order.  We had to elect a rude baby in his 70s because it was going to shatter the fragile minds of the elite oppressors.  Now, we get unwieldy government without the pretense of manners.  At least the lies are livelier.

At least the lack of dignity’s funny.  It’s accurate for everyone who didn’t fall for him.  Trump’s certainly not making us laugh intentionally despite his bizarre reputation for being hilarious. The remarkably inaccurate categorization is just one more thing he got without earning it.  But what do you expect when fantasy projection is preferred to fact?

An unqualified, uninterested showman can’t be clueless.  Those seduced blame Paul Ryan when a statist oaf of a president doesn’t do what they’re sure he promised.  The country’s going to Hell.  But that was going to happen anyway, so we may as well get some laughs out of it.

Got It Done

There’s no need for a law if you can meet your own deadlines.  Note who needs coercion.  I know life is scary with its lack of guarantees and possibility of starvation.  But your leaders promising you food is only going to make you hungrier.

Good things can happen without government. It’s true!  We can even negotiate for better deals.  Oh: and it’s to life what Kathy Griffin is to decorum. There’s that whole thing where everyone hates stupid corrupt politicians and then wonders why things like Detroit happen when we give them power. Life on your own isn’t as scary as Cory Booker has made it out to be and may be in fact better without pathological loons deciding for you.  Order life without orders.

The trouble with a promotion is all that effort.  Those demanding benevolent politicians guarantee a minimum never seem capable of getting more per hour on their own.  This seemingly impossible process is known as getting a raise according to ancient documents from the hifi era. But there was racism and sexism in those dark times, so everything must’ve been rotten.

You can get more money if your boss likes your work.  But he’s just a cog in the oppressive machine.  A Honda-driving shift manager embodies corporate villainy.  It’s better for the compassionate government to just presume the greedy owner doesn’t want to remove any currency from a couch stuffed with it.  It can’t be that a cashier doesn’t generate as much value as the money handled.

Rumor holds that a job with more responsibility is often accompanied by a bigger salary.  Some think the jump is impossible, which also summarizes contemporary contempt for free markets.  Who could ever make something worth selling?  They didn’t teach how to weld in any gender studies class.

The economy can never improve.  Growth is a fantasy peddled by Koch Industries and the Trilateral Commission.  All Baltic Avenue residents can do it grab what you can from those who stole their way to Park Place.  Redistribution is seen as the last step before utopia for some reason.  Despite the widespread abandonment of trust in humans to address their own need, I wonder if we could’ve been doing better by trading jobs for cash all this time.

It’s not that those who think life can be controlled fail to account for consequences or anything.  But this may be a good time to realize that legislation affects humans.  If they grasped that, they wouldn’t be leftists. Stop punishing success, and there’ll suddenly be more of it.  It’s as if people like to keep rewards that are justly theirs. Conversely, paying people to stay poor keeps them that way.  This darn species won’t cooperate with bizarre orders.

Mandatory help does no such thing.  Wondering what’s for lunch tomorrow beats a centralized meal plan.  You can get food without an order that you must eat.  Groceries are actually pretty affordable, even with sellers knowing we need the calories.  Purported assistance makes us turn to store brands. Subtracting that very money from the economy keeps them that way.  There are more fun ways to learn math.

Insurance doesn’t need to be mandated on account of how it’s a good idea. Grownups might be responsible without being told.  It might even be easier, what with sellers not sure they have your business.  But ostensible corporation-smashers just love making sure companies get their precious profits.  Keep going until everything is sold by a single conglomerate which rips off with ceaseless greed.  It’s based in that one American city that’s not in a state.

Please let us off Obamacare for our health.  A magical federal guarantee fails to actually ensure we’ll never die and get prettier as we age.  It’s crummy and expensive with no option to decline.  But Democrats can say more people are covered, and yanking their consciences is government’s purpose.

I bet we could get horrid plans on our own.  Perhaps there would even be better and cheaper plans available by choice.  It’s not to be a crazy dreamer.  I just heard a rumor that competition lowers prices.

Real communalism consists of paying each other to do things.  Attempts to turn commodities into rights actually makes them tougher to acquire.  The only thing worse is to presume that circumstances are permanent.  Set aside that it’s not very liberal in the word’s broad meaning.

We can affect our world, sometimes even for the better.  The idea that life is inherently rotten with the only relief provided by a pittance doesn’t seem very inspirational.  Professional meddlers are frustrated their schemes don’t affect our mean world the right way. They should know: their beliefs put into action made it this way. See?  The future can be controlled.