I bet the other party can screw up even worse. The entertainment provided by double dares to fail is the only way to get through the 2010s. Fall off a cliff while grandstanding about your enemy running over his own torso. The “Hold my beer” era of politics is keeping urgent care places in business, which is one way to cope with neither faction removing onerous health care commands. Each side does what it can to help the other, and it’s nice to have bipartisanship in these cranky times.
The best hope is that these atrocious organized grifters posing as parties cancel each other out. We’re not about to have genuine barriers removed just because we think liberty is a natural right or something. Our klutzy safety managers are determined to erect new ones. They blessedly keep placing them at their own feet. The inability to sell wretched policies stands as the present best hope for prosperity. Don’t ever claim I’m anything but an optimist.
Like everything else these days, nothing works as planned in political strategy. The only benefits are inadvertent. The endlessly regrettable errors of the other side are used to advance an agenda, as long as winning the next time without any accomplishments in the meantime counts. It’s not precisely stirring. But everyone outside New York and Boston likes watching the Yankees and Red Sox brawl. Cheer for blood.
Cults are defined by how many outsiders think members are insane. Neither collection of zealots inspires as both claim to carve a path through the jungle to paradise. Nobody sane wants a politician to spend what is or could be ours. But we’re stuck with wannabe messiahs who can sell you perfection. These particular loathsome office-fillers think they’re leading mankind into a new era. We’ll enter our new plane of existence right after insurance gets cheaper.
Random outbursts should be more entertaining. But they all obey the same formula. Next week, the president will accidentally tweet his cellphone number, and a CNN host will explain why it’s a 25th Amendment violation.
The worst possible options fight to get in your face. Coincidentally, both suicidal entities want to order you through the day. Nobody is entitled to tell you what to do, which seems like an odd thing to have to tell Americans. Even worse, those who are least qualified are the most eager to do it. They disqualify themselves by claiming the slightly different alternative is akin to mass murder. Who knew buying your own things could be so dangerous?
The threat of widespread fallout is diminished when both sides misplace their nuclear footballs. This form of assured destruction comes in mutually handing each other tremendous errors to exploit. Professed Olympians tell you how to win a gold medal when their hands are covered in scars from track spikes as a result of unfortunate shoe-tying accidents.
Four-dimensional chess usually doesn’t involve this much self-punching. The only thing worse than Trump saying something dumb is the dumber response from Bernie Sanders. His House partner Maxine Waters helpfully demands impeachment before she reaches the end of each sentence. Well, nobody knows corruption better. Henry Hill could’ve explained why the mob is bad. Come up with charges after you start talking on television. I’m sure you’ll be able to improvise something so wise that Twitter won’t relish lambasting it for the afternoon.
Trump’s only hope are those who treat him like a planet-hating Hitler distracting from his Sergeant Schultz-level of competence. Imaginary examples have more impact these days. Media members are acting like they’re the last defense against the Death Star. Meanwhile, they’re taking selfies with camera flashes that are just enough to distract Luke Skywalker.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think the parties were cooperating. Democrats and Republicans want the same basic stupid things. They just crave telling you what to do. But their similar putzing styles make their reciprocity seem coincidental. And the only thing they hate more than human autonomy is each other. They’re only messing up how they express it because they’re atrocious at the one thing about which they care.
Like how New Coke was a blunder into profits, the idiotic charges idiots hurl at each other aren’t part of a grand scheme. But they do preserve power over us. We’re presently buckling under a big-government agenda with little of Barack Obama’s huger-government initiatives being touched.
Both parties think you need continuous lectures. In their daily struggles to not fall into open sewers, they show why they can’t even guide themselves. The next Nazi comparison after the president fights a cable news host should do it.