George W. Bush

The Fake Fight of His Life

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

This round of pretend combat impresses fans the most. Punching the air while promising knockouts is why octagon-based grappling is so popular. The same fuming zealots who think unsubstantiated bluster is the core of fighting applaud what may be the final chance to see their pugilistic hero pummel his shadow. A close election unfortunately let Donald Trump engage in his specialties.

People don’t change, which is less reassuring than you’d think. Take the example set by the head of state, who’s been so exhausting in kvetching that he can’t even convince people to take his side when he could have a case. It’s tough to care if he’s right. Karma finally noted his obsession with domination regardless of whether there’s enough fraud to make him a victim. Being undignified to the end is how to show Mitt Romney who’s boss.

Please give more undeserved powers to governments unable to perform basic jobs. Your mistake was expecting those in charge to be prepared to count just because there was an election. It’s tricky to figure out amounts. Twenty-four beers sounds like more than 12, but I’ll count empty bottles in the morning to make sure.

You’re telling me people who can’t complete the simplest of pie charts were unprepared to fight a virus? Harassing the healthy as the sick croaked is as ghastly as it is unsurprising. Entities that are still haven’t taken inventory for certain want to commandeer your health care.

Follow your beloved president’s example and carp about the useless media doing something irrelevant. Calling races that are still racing is indeed the sort of scummy self-important move journalists adore. Failed English majors are compelled to make themselves seem important while overcompensating for insecurity caused by irrelevance. Speaking of which, their calls have no effect, or at least shouldn’t unless CNN decides how the future will go. John King thinks you should have Pizza Rolls for dinner.

The channel changed the vote, then? Freaking about Fox News claiming someone won Arizona who may have not is like me at home shrieking at quarterbacks for not reading defenses properly like I did from the couch. It’s presently trendy to worry arithmetic will be affected by networks who can’t accumulate many viewers. Anyone who doesn’t race to the polls to vote after dinner because they believe a cable news projection shows precisely why we have an Electoral College.

You should be far more ticked at a president undermining establishments than at channels he berates for noticing. Reaping what’s sown is unappealing to the guy who couldn’t make money spinning roulette wheels. An unconvincing case despite a possible point reflects a lifetime of ingratitude despite being handed everything, or because of it.

Look at this crazy outsider ranting against the system from the Oval Office. Decorum would presently be useful, like when the freaking president could say he remains confident about prevailing while doing everything to ensure Americans have a president who humbly accepts the responsibility of winning fairly. Then he’ll admit his critics are correct that he’s had some management lapses. Ranting about numbers he’s invented doesn’t count as respectable.

Trump-era America didn’t need another example of the lunkheaded folly of binary thinking. It’s entirely possible that there’s both shady tallying and that the potential victim is a petulant child highlighting irregularities that don’t technically exist.

Two other things can be simultaneously true, like Joe Biden being a smug dolt who’s spent an endless political career being wrong about everything and Trump being the worst possible defender of the opposite values. Don’t tell Laura Ingraham that one thing doesn’t make something unrelated true unless you want smoke to billow out her ears.

We don’t need unfairness to test character but have it constantly, anyway. This world sucks, as anyone residing on it for more than five minutes has noticed. Take who got to the final voting round and tell me justice prevails. But responding to crummy scenarios is a good portion of our lifetimes. Certain presidents use the chance to project irritability.

Calculating every vote is apparently trickier than a healthy relationship. A counting machine is too futuristic in this primitive era of glowing pocket screens powered by space beams. The determination of who got more support when everyone participating registers an opinion is the last thing in this stupid-ass reality that should be plagued with trickiness. A Sesame Street lesson is the last thing that should be political.

Republicans wish they had a guy who doesn’t fight to finish the bout. Establishment insider George W. Bush possessed the nerve to stand up to election shenanigans, and dooming Al Gore to star in the most undeserved Oscar imaginable is even more impressive compared to the incumbent flailing without effect.

Nobody serious takes Trump seriously, even when he has a serious gripe. I blame the fake news media for reporting he didn’t win when he said he did. The Rocky V of presidents will finally learn his lesson, by which I mean he’ll wail like a toddler who had a 5-hour Energy if he loses or wins. The judges are all biased.

Outrage Inside

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

America’s safe from secession, as those declaring war are unable to do pushups. It’s testament to the politeness of conservatives that their harassers aren’t picking up teeth.  Commit a crime and don’t fear consequences.  That makes it just like everything else in the feckless hoodlums’ lives.  It’s no wonder they believe what they do.

There are also 100 percent fewer shootings in the era of open harassment than promised.  It’s uncanny how liberals always predict exactly what doesn’t happen.  I credit remarkable restraint of the side with all the guns, which again shows a misunderstanding of human nature with blessed consequences.

You’d think those self-righteously getting in the faces of those audacious enough to vote differently would learn outrage is backfiring.  But that implies they’re capable.  Picking up evidence is as foreign to them as manners.  How can they behave while saving the world?

Modern opposition members are concerned they’re not impolite enough.  Their unfortunate strategy means they’re justified in their skulls to be atrocious. Portraying foes as villains is accurate, right?  After all, they are confronting little Eichmanns who soullessly maintain that some money spent by Washington is being wasted.

This isn’t a normal era, claim those who need justification for acting abnormally.  See, those who refuse to join their mouthy throngs are racist homophobes who are also sexists as a third full-time job. Working doesn’t hold much appeal.  Therefore, yelling at Trump staffers in restaurants isn’t merely okay but also a moral imperative.  With such airtight reasoning, it’s no wonder they believe the key to happiness is to make everyone else as miserable.

Anyone claiming that competition raises prices is going to be resistant to reasoning.  Take what they must think in order to ostracize dissent. The enlightened among us open-mindedly claim everyone who disagrees is a bigot, which is why they can be closed-minded to them.  It’s almost a neat trick.  Like everything else fans of massive government believe, it doesn’t hold up to four seconds of scrutiny.  But they’re too busy proclaiming that children will croak if parents are ever allowed to send a little less money to the Treasury.

This isn’t a unique era despite what very special individuals claim.  The same disgusting assaults on dignity would be happening if Scott Walker were sweeping up Obamacare’s ashes.  In fact, the resistors would be even nastier: a grownup president may have already rebuilt much of what was wrecked during the previous two terns, which is a far greater threat than Trump pouring lighter fluid on the charred remains.  Every Republican justifies emergency mode, especially when Hillary’s last holdouts canonize George W. Bush despite claiming he was too rotten for Satan last decade.

Those to Trotsky’s right isn’t simply misguided: they’re diabolical.  Your natural rights and retained paychecks cause leftists to believe Hell is real.  Everyone claiming corpses result from the opposition’s policies conveniently forgets how atrocious their own results are. They’re too busy damning those who dare opine that people should be able to buy their own insurance.

More than anything, I loathe those who compare everything they dislike to Nazis for making me defend Trump.  The prototypical loudmouthed schmuck has no idea what he’s doing, and yet I’m compelled to note he may not be chaining orphans in the sulfur mines under the White House.  The worst part is how liberal he is.  What exactly do they think tariffs are other than a tax by people who know how you should spend your money?

I’m also cranky because missed the chance to be rude.  I never thought to stake out restaurants during Obama’s presidency to find those who were messing up the country.  Patriots were apparently supposed to shriek at Ben Rhodes as he tried to finish his cheesecake for vainly bribing our atomic-minded enemy with our hard-earned cash.  And nobody ruined Kathleen Sebelius’s night at the cinema for the appalling mandate.  We disagreed without being disagreeable, and that’s a missed chance that’ll never come back.

People are screaming about where civility went.  We should agree with their ludicrous policies so we can finally have amity.  They’ll start to behave once nobody disagrees.  Those who engage in sanctimony as a lifestyle have no idea how motivation works.

At least we understand why their policies fail even if they don’t.  They’re too busy stalking restaurants to think out why they’re helping the other side. Keep thinking uncouthness is effective: it makes defeating grabby nonsense much easier.

Bipartisan Badness

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Trump point

Both parties suck it.  Can we at least agree on that?  Bad ideas are bipartisan.  Voters hopefully think one side has slightly fewer of them.  The divide results from one side heartily embracing the all-time classically stupid idea that government works.  At least one faction should oppose buying extended warranties.  The opposition half-assedly giving in to the other side’s horrid concepts is not the way to bring together Americans.  Let the dim ones think they got good value out of the sealant packages the car salesmen push on them, as some ideas aren’t universal for good reason.

The particular dope in a suit pushing a crummy concept is irrelevant, as party changes nothing.  Or, at least it shouldn’t.  Join a political group because it at least marginally promotes your beliefs.  If the worthless organization violates them, curse until they change or leave them abandoned on the shoulder like a Dodge.  Parties should obey you, not the other way around.  Like leaving the methadone patient who needs to borrow another 10 dollars for supplies, you’ll be better on your own.  Align with those similarly alienated.  It’s nice to finally enjoy togetherness.

Put a nice wrapper on a Hershey’s bar, and it’ll still taste like a candle.  It’s not magically acceptable when someone from your party endorses ridiculous programs favored on the aisle’s other side.  A diluted version is even less appealing due to lack of commitment. Voters always back the candidate who’s more determined to waste money if the other option promises to fritter only half as much.

The Party of Reagan trying to spur the economy with your money isn’t an improvement.  Among other projectiles, the claim that Bush did it has often been hurled at Republicans opposed to ludicrous spending incessantly during this particularly spendthrift era.  Many felt the urge to reflexively defend George Junior, especially considering the shoddy quality of his critics.  But a party is supposed to be a loose conglomeration of people who share a political philosophy.  Instead, some people think they must defend it even when it’s acting indefensibly.  Cheering for a sports team just because it’s based in the same area code leads to bad habits.  Condemn questionable personnel moves.

Many Republicans have changed their status to “It’s complicated” due to their partner’s infuriated dalliances with the worst sort of statist, namely a bully who can’t win a fight.  Unconvincing faker Donald Trump doesn’t make thuggish conduct better because he’s pretending to be a Republican out of convenience at present. In fact, his lame threats are even more alarming coming from a phony oaf purportedly representing a party whose first president said “With malice toward none.”

At least there’s finally a benefit out of a vulgar faux titan running off his mouth without effect: it’ll be much easier to disavow any party that sticks with him.  The GOP is daring you to break up with them, so take how they prefer consuming marijuana to attending job interviews as a sign.  Let the casual manner in which he changes affiliation as easily as he shutters businesses offer a reminder that parties are only useful as long as they sell your product.  We’re not stuck with political families, especially one with a loutish stepfather whom we wish drank so there’d at least be an excuse.  Feel free to eat Christmas brunch in another house.

Like so many ancient notions such as buying your own items and earning raises, it’s now portrayed as quaint that each side is supposed to advocate particular ideals.  Partisans have lost touch with the notion that the party is supposed to answer to them.  They just want to get a thug in their corner.  But pushing around the other side feels unfulfilling for a reason.  Push bureaucracy out of the way instead.  It’s inherently leftists to use whichever team you’ve joined to exert power over anyone foolish enough to wear different insignia.  As usual, people who just want to be left alone may not get a real choice.

Things suck, so try the reverse.  It should be easy to make the case for conservatism when big government has been helpfully knocking the wind out of anyone still breathing.  Instead, many have regrettably turned to lunacy.  The Obama presidency has beaten down residents so much that some only dream of lashing out.  You’ll never get adopted from the shelter that way.  There would be no worse tragedy than turning to a goon with a different lapel pin instead of pointing out an alternative to abuse.

A disturbing number of primary voters merely want to inflict as much pain as they’ve received, which psychiatrists agree is the healthiest approach to life.  Power is most usefully applied to get government to stop bothering you instead of to bother everyone but you. Republicans with revenge fantasies don’t turn on anyone else.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/604353.

Aw, Forget It

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Remembering nothing may seem like the key to happiness, but only until the brain loses track of whether green or red means go.  The disadvantage to having the entirety of knowledge accessible through a gizmo in one’s pocket is that the brain may relax too much.  Remembering phone numbers is for people from ancient times with rotaries.

It’s hard to maintain some sense of history when the present is so comfortable, what with the luminous screens displaying tempting game apps.  But the modern man should keep memory slots open.  Except as a warning against thinking technical innovations make happy people, these times aren’t interesting enough to ignore all previous ones.  For one, not every previous generation was fatuous enough to think taxing success would create more of it.

We shouldn’t have to explain more than once why the most calculating couple in humanity’s history is untrustworthy.  Remember just enough to tell the Clintons to get lost, as that shouldn’t tax many neurons. It was only a few presidents ago when the present Democratic sort-of frontrunner was defending her spouse breaking the law by using her as a doormat.  Now, the ever-ballooning Lothario stands up for the inhuman conniver in what’s not the best example of gender equality.

Get with the times.  It’s tough discussing politics with those who somehow aren’t aware what sleazes the Clintons were in the early ‘90s.  Clint Eastwood was already a delightfully cranky old man by then, so it wasn’t that long ago.  The Spin Doctors of politics should be banished for sounding hopelessly dated.  A fad from just over two decades ago was obviously embarrassing, which is why it’s frustrating to have to explain they may just be a tad corrupt.  In fact, there has never been anyone less interested in the public than the impossibly loveless partnership. And you said they had nothing in common.

Junky Clintons who will do anything satiate their lust are surprisingly predictable.  Once agin, they strive to enrich themselves while getting loaded off power in what’s actually the perfect embodiment of their self-righteous politics.  Of course, they’ll sell any stance if you don’t like one they have, so never let it be said this supremely charming duo won’t compromise. The problem is everyone should know by now.

Ironic selfishness is familiar even if it didn’t happen to us.  Try explaining to an Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders fan that their economic beliefs were discredited between the world wars if you’d like to be accused of working with corporations to starve the poor for profit.  The policies pursued by those we fought against in various world wars were actually covers for imperialism in order to steal the people’s resources, you see.  We could try handing out money just in case that novel strategy hasn’t been attempted yet. The best thing about being oblivious to results of past experiments is how wise you feel.  Ignore the track record to avoid feeling humble.

The supreme arrogance behind not noticing what happened leads to supreme incompetence.  For heaven’s sake, people have already forgotten about September 11.  Take a depressing survey on a college quadrangle to hear a vague charge about Bush blowing up a building, or something. All the information ever is available to people with zero interest in absorbing it.

It’s hard to start when the initial option is everything.  Filtering what’s worthwhile is like finding something on Amazon by searching “item.” That’s why youths ignore all of it but cheesy graphics annotated with Vox’s take on truth posted by their shrillest Facebook friends.

History is often seen as, well, a historical pursuit.  Who wants to learn what old white rich men thought about people being free?  It’s possible to learn what came before.  But too many are forgetting how people went through this in the past.

Yet some blessedly persist in learning what to remember.  Patriots with bookshelves full of non-Doctor Phil titles know the good guys won the Revolutionary War and why people sick of being told of how their money should be wasted speak fondly of Grover Cleveland.  Best of all, anyone who cares about more than the last 10 minutes can catch up easily.  Learning about the precedent for not allowing stupid government ruin our days is especially appealing to those sick of updates from the decathlete from four decades ago who thinks he’s a chick.

Forget the past: a frightening number of eligible voters don’t seem to remember what’s happening right this second.  Why fret about taxpayers funding infant slaughterhouses or ISIS getting to those fortunate enough to be born?  This White House prefers we not learn that people could make decisions and income.  Their daft schemes don’t work, as ever.  Thinking they’re the best at everything means ignoring how many times similarly arrogant jerks were humbled previously.  And old-timey dummies didn’t have their own errors from which to learn.

Even if you don’t write it down, know recordings are easy to look up. Something like this probably happened before.  Read about similar moments experienced by unsmiling geezers in what looks like sepia-tinged Instagram shots and impress Barack Obama by predicting the future again.  You don’t have to tell him the outcome already happened.  He’s already confused enough about money and human nature without learning about the time curve.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2014 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/505996.