Ruining things for everyone else is as virtuous as it gets.  Inequality leads to jealousy, so torch the dwellings in the indigent’s name.  Scooping the ashes will create jobs.  Just listen to anyone delusional enough to think the government is the key to savings.

Circumstances can’t be nice for a mere 90 percent of people, as we must focus on the unsatisfied.  That’s why it’s important to create more of them.  Otherwise, who is there to help?  At least the new system sucks for the purported beneficiaries.  Now everyone gets along thanks to sharing common ground.  This is why you can’t stop smiling.

Everyone gets horrid care so we can all be equally sad.  If universal coverage is good enough for the unselfish utopia of Venezuela, we should be glad for the same.  I’m old enough to remember when buying plans was merely an aggravation instead of a cause for crippling fear.  Most people liked their insurance in those halcyon days of 2007 despite limitations, which it should be noted were caused by oafish federal regulations.  But they disregarded the wishes of pleased customers in the name of sticking lucky victims on Medicaid. Ruining the system for the stubborn urge to pretend everyone get care is a violation of national and human principles.  Oh, and the outcome blows.  Other than that, it’s American.

Infringe for revenge.  Kicking in stall doors will teach bigots who took a moment to check their orientation.  Undressing in front of those with similar genitals is a relic of Puritan times.  Likewise, why do you think you are the way you happen to be, square?  Choose life as a dude or chick if you prefer.  In fact, staying the way you came out of the baby factory is at best boring and at worst oppressive to changers.  Anyone hateful enough to note that swapping genders gets banished, so that little power trip is a side benefit.

Modern man has found another case where everyone in Earth’s history was wrong.  I’m glad we’re so much smarter than all those who contributed accumulated wisdom.  Those dwelling in 2016 are lucky to be sharp and enlightened enough to know that the fundamental biological fact that informs every interaction and leads to the species’ propagation is a folly invented in our minds.

Don’t let the dangly parts trick you into thinking they mean something no matter how much they urge you.  Sure, others might feel uncomfortable while you flaunt what you have while pretending it’s not there. But everyone else is supposed to shrug about their privacy being violated.  Now that’s tolerance.

No matter how preposterous the grievance, the whole population must have their days disrupted in the name of submission.  The benefit of a few outweighs those of the many in these supremely illogical Bizarro Spock times. Don’t follow your feelings, especially when they’re this dumb.

If you want the White House to like you, then commit a felony.  An administration that can’t choose between Iran, Cuba, and Vietnam as a prom date sees every American without a record as a threat.  By contrast, the crimes of others are our fault, of course. Miscreants are forced into it by society because having to produce value is mean. Meanwhile, you’re treated like a violent offender for wanting a gun to defend from them.

The urge to defend genuinely rotten people is a perverse byproduct of thinking everyone else needs your guidance.  A supermarket manager has every right to ask if an applicant has, oh, been convicted of robbing a store.  But now he’s the criminal for posing the question.

Sob stories truly are the best way to govern.  Start weeping until enough saps in power take pity on you.  Those who can keep it together will feel like crying once they’re billed for the demonstrative nature of the shameless.  Our ever-sober leaders always fall for the hard-luck tale, which means worse luck for all. Folks just can’t get ahead somehow while they’re being held back by law.  It’s uncanny how fortune never tips our way.  Another few thousand regulations should bring justice.

The best thing about taking income is how those robbed will totally make more.  Tape bills to your shirt to facilitate redistribution. Putting money others earned into bums’ coffee cups is how this White House has changed the country and mentality over nearly eight listless years. Despite acknowledging that the incumbent has miraculously changed nature itself, many obstinate crabs wonder if not every beggar might be down on his luck.  I know: it’s unhealthy to be suspicious. But we haven’t earned the next evolutionary step.  Please be more faithful.

A policy change shows humans are the same. People are realizing that subsidizing panhandlers might actually be what quells chances to profit via murdering motivation.  Such reactionary thinking leads to punishment like being bumped to the end of the national health queue.  Anyone sanctimonious enough to believe orders will change nature is not going to be big on noticing personal forays into irony.

Inadvertent consequences are the least fun.  The determination to help a sliver that may or may not need it results in everyone feeling unpleasant.  The chance to get ahead offends those who want equality through stagnation.  You’ll have to experience dejection for the good of others that’s not even good, as that’s what America’s about now.  You can’t opt out, as that’s the one type of dissent that’s prohibited.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2015 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/604353.