A show conviction surely won’t end up helping Donald Trump in the same way printing money made everything affordable. Democrats have a plan to cope with how they screwed up their previous ones. Planning ahead is for suckers who don’t have power to abuse. Look at the thoroughly Third World conditions they’ve created and tell me they’ve thought out the next step.
Donald Trump is a victim. That’s quite the thing to be accurate. The patron saint of the aggrieved now has the worst thing possible, namely a case. The lousy verdict enabled his faction of aggrieved whiners with undeserved evidence. Trump’s greatest weapon remains his enemies.
Learn from your own scheming scumbags. Executive humping enthusiast Bill Clinton’s poll numbers went up whenever it seemed he might be removed from power over his fibbing about a special kiss from a seduced intern. Democrats granted Trump the same opportunity to thrive off lechery, with the difference being he didn’t break the law by trying to evade sidepiece detection. And you claimed there was no bipartisanship.
No one is above the law, declare those below it. The debate about a smirking jury’s decision focuses on how a mock trial will harm the candidacy of an unctuous libertine who wasn’t guilty even if he kept on his wedding ring. This is the system at its noblest.
If a lunatic’s shrieking that the system is corrupt, it shouldn’t prove him right. A horrible yet innocent person hasn’t been punished this infamously since Freddy Quimby.
How couldn’t they find something Trump actually did? That’s the worst part. The party that can’t find peace or prosperity is thorough in obliviousness.
The system’s busted. And its latest victim is the least qualified person to fix it. Ranting without results defined his term like it has his spectacularly hollow career. The only reason it’s unsurprising that Trump got something right is that he’s dealing with shameful foes who seize autonomy in order to seize more of it. There are adorably still a few holdouts who maintain the reigning party wants to confiscate stuff and rights for everyone’s benefit.
Liberals suddenly care about crime. They seem to be fans of it based on how their policies treat perpetrators like victims. New York City makes Batman movies look understated. Gotham’s countless muggers are free to continue plying their trade. A revolving door jailhouse applies to everyone arrested except for the reality show host president who’s applying for the job again.
Felon BFF Alvin Bragg finally decides to prosecute something, and it’s this. A district attorney so preposterous that Tom Wolfe couldn’t have invented him as a character cracked down on the crime of being someone he didn’t vote for.
Trump’s zip-it cash labeling system is the first alleged violation that’s ever bothered Bragg, so nobody’s shocked he didn’t know what qualified. It’s uncanny that he went after someone he campaigned on confronting. Partisan pursuits make predictions true.
The only crimes in New York City are being Donald Trump and cooking pizza with coal. The 1970s request you stop comparing the present regrettable time to it. We don’t even get the decadence of disco or catharsis of punk out of the present bout with enabling barbarians. But those who would’ve approved of the ostensible Republican’s deficit spending if his name had been taken off get the tawdry thrill of gloating about sentencing someone they just know acted illicitly somehow.
Pretending to go after white-collar criminals as the subways resemble a Charles Bronson reboot means he doesn’t care about real offenses. The ode to North Korean prosecution wasn’t getting derailed just because nobody can list the alleged countless victims. Many who constantly bitch about the justice system’s unfairness are gloating about Trump being found guilty despite the technicality of not committing a crime.
Those cheering for the previous president to do time will flip out when a Democratic candidate is prosecuted on fantasized charges. You anticipate they might appreciate meeting their standards. Spot who’s full of it by how they hate living under their own rules.
Republicans will either be at a disadvantage for not being as scuzzy as their counterparts or sink to their level for a muck fight. The media will condemn the latter without noting precedent. And they’ll never determine why a raving madman rose to prominence in the first place.
Trump’s enemies kept him competitive so they can continue to have purpose in life. Or they didn’t plot out consequences, whatever. Not thinking out things is so unlike the sorts who proclaimed not paying back loans would lead to widespread wealth.
If the goal was to allow Trump to portray himself as aggrieved, then the mission is accomplished. The greatest businessman ever isn’t going to make money on real estate or selling steaks on television, but he can grift off the indignant. Now, he doesn’t even need to invent a shaky reason.
Both sides predict this year’s most notorious conviction helps. It’s the only agreement on anything. The mugshot used as avatars by both his own cult and its zealous foes made social media even more confusing. Now, conservatives who loathe the Republican option for his liberal tendencies and personality may as well cherish the chance to display principles. I cannot offer enough middle fingers to everyone gloating about a garbage conviction for making me defend Trump.
Did the scoundrel actually commit a crime? Everyone forgot to ask. We can’t even get nice chinos at this banana republic. Inflation applies to charges like it does garment budgets. Making Trump look like he’s not the scumbag is the most astounding Democratic achievement yet.
Anthony Bialy 
