Month: November 2020

Let’s Try Again

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Please don’t turn down a chance at nominating an adult to replace a 74-year-old infant. The chance to find a successor for a president who went out a loser is something to look forward to in 2024, especially with nothing fun now.

Republicans could try finding a leader whose claim to success goes beyond claiming to be successful. It’s worth a shot. One-term wonder Donald Trump fooled enough voters on a lone occasion, which is different from doing the same with potential customers. It’s just another reason to treat elections as a separate entity from life that only hinders the latter.

Trump is running out of time to come up with a plan. Creating amazingness does not count, at least without three or four details. He promises to figure it out as he speaks. Improvisation is not always charming. These past four years have sounded like the precise opposite of Charlie Parker. Trump is still writing term papers in homeroom.

The ultimate dominating commercial titan who fearlessly makes deals got nothing done while convincing nobody, right down to his pathetically ceaseless claims he won again. Trump remains completely hollow in a way that’d make Barack Obama blush. The supposed prototypical outsider spent his life preparing for politics. Do you think he’s authentic? You’re why he got to pose his way there.

The conservative crusader was never quite able to explain why entitlements are the crummiest deal since staying at a Trump hotel. And we spent a term never hearing why a flat tax is as helpful philosophically as it is practically. It’s suddenly easier to make more when everyone’s paying the same rate. But Republicans presently believe government is just something they manage better. Reducing its importance means turning down the chance to redistribute funds, which is the primary goal of both parties. Bipartisanship doesn’t deserve cheering.

An entirely unpleasant human offends the worst by generating palpable fear. I wonder if there’s something psychological about bellowing. True boldness would’ve been leading America back to the baseline that every dollar Washington spends is confiscated to likely be shredded. But caring about spending is for insiders.

Tolerant and reasonable liberals were going to condemn him either way, so he may as well have stood on principles. And he naturally didn’t. Having some would’ve helped. I’m starting to think Trump might not quite be as brave as advertised. Even Mitt Romney was willing to disregard sliming. Sure, Trump is more liberal than Mittens, but at least one of them confused being rude with fighting.

Trump still sounds as if his concept of conservatism came from overhearing a coworker two cubicles down listening to Michael Savage. He acts like what he thinks you think he should act like. That makes him fearless, according to total alpha males adulating a mouthy twerp. Trying to suck up to whatever audience is in front of him brings to mind his business titan role play. In or out of office, the purported executive feels compelled to claim he’s a trade’s sole winner. Humiliating the partner is surely a sign of class.

Thriving means others noticing. Ostentatious wealth displays totally aren’t overcompensating for insecurity. The need for shiny buildings was an obvious personality trait during Ronald Reagan’s first term. It’s finally too late to learn.

The choice still isn’t binary. Noting Trump was as bad for the country as his party does not mean trying to find virtue in Joe freaking Biden. The tabulation’s result was doomed to be horrific either way enough to ideally encourage everyone to never participate. Linking voting to existence is surely a healthy way to approach politics.

You don’t need to wear the jersey of one team or another. The Cowboys and Patriots meeting in the Super Bowl is as unlikely as a second Trump term. But we endured the horrifying cheering-free political equivalent during this rather painful campaign in the worst of years. An unwillingness to criticize one’s hero is where Sean Hannity and Joy Reid share common ground.

Pouring liquor over Honeycomb only delays the inevitable. Republicans were either facing a hangover from Trump Vodka now or in four years, so it’s best to cope with a bleary headache now. Consider it like coping with unfathomable debt.

Frightening spending that would mortify a Democrat doesn’t have to continue being the Republican position. Claiming Joe Biden would endanger Social Security was a relief for conservatives tempted to support the Republican. Math and reality are doing that job. You’d think the greatest businessman ever would recognize a bad deal.

Like the hideous tasteless trend of serving plants compressed to look like a turkey on Thanksgiving, novelty is not necessarily a virtue. Bitching at the press is only fun if you actually make a case. The outgoing president could’ve explained why they’re biased lazy hacks. But it’s easier to call them a name, which defined his career. Never have two mutually unlikable parties tried to diligently to make each other sympathetic. Iran and Iraq were pikers.

The most bogus business titan embodied the worst stereotypes about the job category. The sick idea you have to screw someone else over to succeed hopefully ends with the Trump presidency. A living cartoon character never figured out you can carve your own niche while making customers happy because he never sold a decent product.

Striving to crush others instead of satisfy purchasers is bad for business, government, and humanity. It’s the least shocking thing ever that a president who thinks saying so makes it so never bothered to engage in mutually beneficial trade. Leave discrepancies for the ad agency.

Hurt Trump’s ego one last time by noting what happens next is not about him. It’s not the ease of which the buffoonish character became his personality: the frightening part’s how many Gold Jonestown residents found him authentic.  The most thorough phony imaginable faked leading, fighting, and achieving. Countless minions will deny affiliation as his legacy becomes clear in about five minutes, which totally seems like an outsider move.

It Could Almost Be Worse

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

The alternative could inflict even more pain on our fragile lives. Don’t ask for proof. A cancer patient who doesn’t have AIDS gets to look on the bright side. The election let us learn which ghastly option has been neutralized as a threat. That was the sole gain possible. Cheer up that only certain sharks chomp your limbs.

Thanks to governments picking up on the basics of counting, we’re pretty sure which lone option remains. Focus on which one is gone for unwarranted idealism. The fact it was going to suck is balanced out by how it doesn’t suck the other way. Only enduring half of the bad options is one of those yin yang duality of man moments to ponder. Sure, it’s not like good balanced out bad. But half of two atrocious choices is out of politics, which is the best part about the worst candidate field.

Thinking of alternative realities is a sure sign the only one of which we’re aware features swell developments. This’d be a perfect time to be ripped into a different DC Comics world. I thought science fiction nerds would’ve figured out how to get us the hell out of here by now. I wish we lived on a planet that never straightened out the Crisis on Infinite Earths.  Anyone decent would prefer to inhabit a world where this particular pushy brute didn’t win. The sentiment would’ve been the same either way.

If you just want some participants in an unpleasant brawl to be sad, there’s good news. About half of partisans are resentful, or at least a bit more than they already were. Getting hassled is presently inevitable, so focus on those who resent not getting to live their fantasy of crushing anyone who dares dissent.

The proper insignia will prevent being bullied. Half of the participants in the two for flinching game are victims. Politics is about choosing the right side so you can torment those who guessed wrongly. Taunts and retribution show how very inspirational it can get.

The tally was going to spur a hideous outcome either way, so appreciate what’s missed. We may as well be grinning optimists who note what we don’t have to face. There will be half the maximum time of Donald dang Trump as head of state, so appreciate the end of unique inappropriateness to try a new version of conventional ickiness. The new nightmare will be novel.

Those who wish to be unbothered may as well embrace the relief of not having the vanquished be in charge anymore. We can also call Trump a loser for eternity, which is particularly joyous considering it goes against the image he somehow cultivated over decades of concealing failure. Sure, there’s only happiness in negativity. But that’s the incumbent’s legacy, so he should appreciate imparting the lesson.

Having a single executive pays off. People can only date one horrible human at a time unless they’re skilled at juggling text messages. You may have ended up with an alcoholic who empties your wallet, but at least you’re not attached to the chronic cheater anymore.

It could be worse. Well, it would be a different kind of worse. Lick the hot pan instead of grabbing it for a kind of relief. Anyone sensible would be saying the same if results were reversed. A different type of rottenness doesn’t spur happiness. Biden will be more forthright about running your life as a principle than as a shtick. But tariffs suck whether it’s a matter of or in defiance of ideology.

You say Biden’s out of it like it’s a bad thing. An addled liberal dragged leftward by the equivalent of relatives getting a bedridden grandpa to sign a new will might not be able to sign legibly, which is the republic’s best hope.

Biden has phases of forgetting what a jerk he is, which beats the alternative. Trump remains aware of who he is, which is not a compliment. Count the final moments of hearing from a prototypical horrid businessman obsessed with domination instead of developing goods people wanted, including from the Oval Office. You can loathe him for different reasons than liberals who are secretly unnerved by how often their policies align with their personal Hitler, including their contempt for anyone outside their tribe.

Wallowing in rancor means politics as usual. Forgetting what positivity feels like is now normal, so know you’re not alone. Everyone is naturally exhausted that we’ll be hassled by government no matter what. Now, refusing to continue voting for it would be swell. If nothing else, we’re not getting the other one. And there’s nothing else. Crazy dreamers are foolish enough to think people will learn to not nominate such hideous options. It’d beat being grateful for the cars that didn’t run us over.

None Won

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

The best part about the worst outcome was being surprised at which anvil landed on us. The stupidest year’s most egregious election could’ve ended with either seething Old Country Buffet patron accumulating 500 electoral votes and I would’ve understood. I also knew there’d be thorough disappointment. It’s not to brag, as anyone else capable of awareness was simultaneously tense and apathetic. It’s easy to be psychic is when things are going to suck no matter what. Avoiding those who think life is better now is the best outcome. A year of training to dodge finally pays off.

Millions of zealots made a case their pet candidate would win and nobody explaining why that would be good. The evil side lost, so that’s a plus. Or was that the one who won? The evil dimension goatees confused viewers. About half of participants got the goon of the faction’s dreams to torment those who backed the wrong jerk. Looking to torment the slightly less powerful is the same reason prisons are uncomfortable.

Who’s happy? Avoid anyone actually pleased by a vote’s results to keep this wretched existence from getting even worse. Sore winners define our times. The resentful victors are motivated by rage at whatever the day’s news stories are. The happiest people seek retribution against the vanquished. Let us conduct ourselves with malice toward none except for everyone.

Anyone familiar with the final two candidates was doomed to pout at least through 2024. Those of us who are eternally miserable feel indignant about partisan zombies pretending life will approve.

Being affected by an election is a condemnation of the aggrieved, not the results. The strongest reaction to a vote in a nation dedicated to not being controlled by politics should be feeling mildly ticked for 20 minutes. Jets fans should be more upset by their criminally horrific franchise losing again.

America got the last person who should be representing us at fancy international leader dinners. It applies to either. Now, that’s bipartisan. Electing one of these professional megalomaniacs was guaranteed to create woe. The fact we’re doomed for four years is almost comforting. Accepting fate is the next-best thing to life going well. Bracing for whatever result is inflicted shows politics at its most inspirational.

Make it a goal to not care this term. Starting to minimize the presidency’s importance is the best way to have an election that won’t matter by 20204. Ignore Biden even more than before he somehow crawled into the Oval Office to actually make this term worthwhile. The same advice would apply to Trump, so enjoy consensus.

Taking authority from the person who least deserves it was once the American way. Nostalgia is sometimes worthwhile. We’re not talking about bringing back MC Hammer pants.

The best thing to remember about a republic is we supposedly have one. A place with drive-thru liquor stores is not defined by the personality of whoever won that one-person branch. We could at least let Congress boss us around for more representative harassment.

Limp politicians can only command those willing. It’s a free country, you know. The issue of whether the contraction is short for “it is” or “it was” remains in dispute. Granting Trump that right gave him unauthorized authority. Don’t now let Biden live in your head in addition to the White House. Treat it like a limitation on a president rather than just a Democrat.

A country where great and good citizens shot down metric road signs is now packed with factions craving to receive instructions on how to proceed. Both hopeless hopefuls spent their respective shady careers banking on those they seek to boss around not cursing while walking away. You’re supposed to obey.

Voters should demand to hear fewer demands. Government expands faster than our stupid universe. It doesn’t matter who won. Sometimes, the election’s irrelevance is frightening. But at least hypocrisy’s rampant. If Barack Obama spent at the same horrific levels seen during an ostensibly Republican administration, it’d be deemed the end of freedom. The American experiment surviving depends on electing one person who spends like he stole your credit card.

If you thought politics was a good idea, look at Biden sort-of winning. This era has a fair amount of media coverage in case anyone hasn’t noticed. Perhaps one’s senses have become immune to a ceaseless barrage. We’d only be aware of broadcasts if they were taken away like watching Star Trek without engine noise. Thinking it just takes the right person to perfect management over our money and days is just what each candidate wants. We’ve already lost if they won.

At the same time, America might not be over. The one thing both types of partisans agree on is that we’re doomed to devolve into the worst of 20th-century Europe. The choice came down to which horrific ism you find the worst. But we may not end up with a system where a fiend with an iconic mustache murders millions in the name of national glory, so feel cheery.

A dispute doesn’t alter how everyone should admit government is a black hole for rights and cash. Forget counting discrepancies: the winner was the notion we’re supposed to be dominated by one allegedly charismatic brute. A weak strongman was the inevitable result here in the doomed existence. We’re pretty sure which raging grandpa who generates zero value will try ordering us. Clarity doesn’t always make things clear.

Listing Campaign

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Idle threats aren’t any less irritating. Demanding submission defeats the point. Donald Trump’s fans compensate for dwindling numbers with intensity. The mouthy legion’s unwillingness to admit anything could ever go wrong makes them just like their hero as he gets oh so close to re-election.

Follow their example. Or don’t. Unofficial underlings expect you to back Trump even as he backstabs. If it were obvious he could win, they wouldn’t need to make such racket. A famous restaurant doesn’t have to bill itself as such. Can you still get a Trump taco bowl?

Our time will seem so empty after governments learn to count. Planning ahead allows a jumpstart on cultivating resentment. Trump’s chances are on par with a USFL revival, which means this is the perfect time for graciously finding someone to blame. It can’t be the candidate.

Keeping a list isn’t just for Santa. Noting who hasn’t been sufficiently loyal during the final countdown is more up Joe McCarthy’s alley, and he only gave out coal. Please don’t zoom in on its contents.

All Trump’s remaining slouching knights can think of is retribution, which is at least on brand. Targeting those who didn’t bow deeply enough is something they share with oh so progressive Democrats compiling names of those they view as collaborators. They both arrive for struggle sessions and don’t know whether they’re supposed to scold or receive shame.

Demanding unquestioned support is for true independent outsiders. By contrast, asking questions is for the unfaithful. Dispensing rewards to those who got logo tattoos is government’s most noble purpose. The worst part of transactional faith is when you don’t even get anything good out of all that kneeling.

Embrace their tactics to please them. If we’re not forgetting out of bitterness, the top grudge should be how nasty many Trump suckers have spent his political career on social media spewing crummy insults paired with vague threats. Their obsession with follower counts perfectly suits fans of a brute force aficionado, which is especially rich considering they always seem to have the same number of followers that they follow. Independent servants are obsessed with crushing precisely because they have no grip strength.

The order to join is the precise opposite of strength, which means Trump has been consistent. Obsessing with with domination instead of whether it’s right has only been the core of his personality for his entire life. You weren’t supposed to cheer when Thanos snapped.

Sell me this gold-painted pen. Trump can’t persuade that he won, which is funny enough. He’s finally hilarious now that he can’t draw support the one time he might actually have at least a marginal case. Naturally, the laughs are inadvertent. The most prominent infomercial pitchman in history doesn’t even have to pretend understandably skeptical carnivores will find Trump Steaks scrumptious: all he has to note is how vote totals vary like his mood. And he is doing even worse than he did at getting slot machine aficionados to plunk away pensions at Trump Taj Mahal.

Arguing is so fun that we forgot the subject. Figuring whether or not he actually won seems secondary. The only thing that should matter is naturally irrelevant. Are you new to 2020?

Fighting for something unwanted is the only way to make it worse, or better if you enjoy laughing at cruel misfortune. The fading incumbent’s shock troopers are struggling for something the leader doesn’t want. Trump not getting things done despite claims everything’s finished was a habit established long before he was president. He somehow won in case you haven’t heard.

The actual doing is the important part, but the faithful still don’t accept they got conned out of integrity by the biggest politician of them all. Losing to Joe freaking Biden is a culmination of an empty term that’s a bit too perfect

You should at least relinquish ownership of your soul for worthy causes. But Trump only expects fealty for the sake of it. He rules because he does. Oh, and except for how he doesn’t. You’ll never believe he still struggles to explain conservative policies.

Cajoling gullible people starved to kill time into believing his board game would be fun was good practice in its way. Just do what the master demands to fight the lame joiners. Henchmen grasp negotiations just like their perfect hunk does. They’re the best at everything just like the hero they ape.

Very savvy businessmen have nothing to offer in exchange for making demands like Xerxes. The best negotiator ever doesn’t grasp how the process works, which is an inadvertent delight of someone who’s never amusing on purpose. Get back here and be loyal.

A president bitching about unfairness is like a rich bluesman, only that B.B. King still played like he felt sad. Existence has been so mean to the present president, what with being born into wealth and using it to make about the same fortune he would with mutual funds so he could complain it’s cruel when anyone notices the quality of his products and record. He enjoys claiming he’s a victim like the alpha male he is. Don’t let the fun end.

Trump totally doesn’t sound like an aggrieved RINO cuck, so get the notion that he’s projecting out of your head. It’s not like an ironic loser always has an excuse for failing.

Another Case Not Made

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Admire the graceful bravery of trying to slap anyone in arm’s reach. Besides not wounding foes and irking pals, the pugilistic strategy works. A few holdouts trying to justify pay-per-view investment still weakly claim this bout thrills. Yet it’s on track to be the last delusion Donald Trump sells from a position of semi-power. The product naturally teeters on bankruptcy. 

A career spent having to convince everyone else a little too aggressively results in struggles as it approaches the coda. Trump is so used to selling garbage that he doesn’t know how to make the case for an actual product. He was never going to bother to figure out if there were enough irregularities to actually make disputing the bill worthwhile.

Seethe about being charged for a coffee refill. When one’s natural mode is bitching how life is unfair to him personally despite him getting every possible benefit without earning one, his second and final election is bound to result in tiresome bickering.

Let me roll my eyes once more as I attempt to mount sympathy for someone who embodies benefitting from unfairness. Moaning every single second has sure made it easy to tell when Trump earned being aggrieved. Injustice is rotten no matter what. Freddy Quimby was an innocent jerk.  But some violated parties sure could make it easier to defend them. The ACLU got so sick of sticking up for the unpleasant that they transitioned to become a liberal tweet generator.

The smartest president ever thinks like a circuit board. Trump calling everything unfair is as predictable as Moon phases. Our satellite reflecting sunlight is fake news. His most endearing personality trait is especially joyous considering a tantrum is guaranteed to follow no matter how legitimate the criticism. It’s hard to take him seriously when he’s actually been wronged. The boy born in the 1940s cries wolf again.

The Apprentice was only the culmination of selling a person who offered nothing. Taping his name to any product nearby has been Trump’s business plan for about half a century. If you think his presidency turned out any differently, you grasp even less about his behavior than he does.

Captain Queeg will track strawberries until he’s removed from power. Trump is naturally going to think everyone’s out to get him until the end. His final descent into furious paranoia was going to happen anyway. Now, he can cite evidence as shady as the behavior that may be debunked by the time he starts composing his next all-caps harangue.

There will be no waiting to see if facts bear out, as being patient is for establishment losers. Present charges regarding voting irregularity resemble today’s update on which ritual will protect you from the zombie virus. Those listening for useful information quickly switch from twitchy panic to blocking out white noise.

Trump’s best allies are his enemies. Journalists who loathe him editorializing about his curious claims don’t trust consumers to determine which claims are valid. This president isn’t special, which he should admit no matter how much it bruises his ego. De facto transcriptionists claiming to defend truth would be more believable if they had ever interrupted, say, a Barack Obama speech to note you can’t keep your plan.

Objectively subjective reporters act like checking if for voting irregularities is an assault on freedom and not what should be their jobs. Those who think watching others was a good career choice display the sort of self-righteous patriotism they claim to hate him using to hide from scrutiny. Trump and those covering him are enemies because they operate similarly, like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in some adorable Bill Clinton-era romantic comedy. Those movies helped the then-president remember he was married.

Those who majored in journalism are naturally inclined to not work hard. Professional preeners will do anything to avoid checking if elections might be fraudulent, as that sounds like a lot of math. Why do you hate voting, Ivan?

The press class not admitting there might have been a few voting tombstones don’t change how little Trump wants something he refuses to let go. The last person who wanted to be president will never admit he ran as a cheap advertising move. Pumping his junk brand had two flaws, namely Republican contenders dividing the vote and Hillary Clinton prevailing among Democratic contenders.

Noting he didn’t want to be president is the most obvious statement since noting he’s somewhat pompous. The worst thing that could’ve happened to Trump was winning. The best thing that could’ve happened to those upset about that is watching him demand to retain something he never wanted.

He’s in too deep to concede. Trump pretends to love his present job as much as he does the nation and his supporters. Its usefulness expired, which might be why this term will end along with his presidency.

The pretend fight will be over soon. By contrast, some establishment Republican would’ve found a way to both keep counting and make it seem worthwhile. The courageous outsider couldn’t convince people he’s worth voting for, how could he convince people he got votes?

Trump is stuck claiming he won even though he wishes he doesn’t. Him not wanting this to keep going any more than the rest of us almost makes dealing with this term and the next worth it. This is a time to treasure sort-of wins.

The Fake Fight of His Life

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

This round of pretend combat impresses fans the most. Punching the air while promising knockouts is why octagon-based grappling is so popular. The same fuming zealots who think unsubstantiated bluster is the core of fighting applaud what may be the final chance to see their pugilistic hero pummel his shadow. A close election unfortunately let Donald Trump engage in his specialties.

People don’t change, which is less reassuring than you’d think. Take the example set by the head of state, who’s been so exhausting in kvetching that he can’t even convince people to take his side when he could have a case. It’s tough to care if he’s right. Karma finally noted his obsession with domination regardless of whether there’s enough fraud to make him a victim. Being undignified to the end is how to show Mitt Romney who’s boss.

Please give more undeserved powers to governments unable to perform basic jobs. Your mistake was expecting those in charge to be prepared to count just because there was an election. It’s tricky to figure out amounts. Twenty-four beers sounds like more than 12, but I’ll count empty bottles in the morning to make sure.

You’re telling me people who can’t complete the simplest of pie charts were unprepared to fight a virus? Harassing the healthy as the sick croaked is as ghastly as it is unsurprising. Entities that are still haven’t taken inventory for certain want to commandeer your health care.

Follow your beloved president’s example and carp about the useless media doing something irrelevant. Calling races that are still racing is indeed the sort of scummy self-important move journalists adore. Failed English majors are compelled to make themselves seem important while overcompensating for insecurity caused by irrelevance. Speaking of which, their calls have no effect, or at least shouldn’t unless CNN decides how the future will go. John King thinks you should have Pizza Rolls for dinner.

The channel changed the vote, then? Freaking about Fox News claiming someone won Arizona who may have not is like me at home shrieking at quarterbacks for not reading defenses properly like I did from the couch. It’s presently trendy to worry arithmetic will be affected by networks who can’t accumulate many viewers. Anyone who doesn’t race to the polls to vote after dinner because they believe a cable news projection shows precisely why we have an Electoral College.

You should be far more ticked at a president undermining establishments than at channels he berates for noticing. Reaping what’s sown is unappealing to the guy who couldn’t make money spinning roulette wheels. An unconvincing case despite a possible point reflects a lifetime of ingratitude despite being handed everything, or because of it.

Look at this crazy outsider ranting against the system from the Oval Office. Decorum would presently be useful, like when the freaking president could say he remains confident about prevailing while doing everything to ensure Americans have a president who humbly accepts the responsibility of winning fairly. Then he’ll admit his critics are correct that he’s had some management lapses. Ranting about numbers he’s invented doesn’t count as respectable.

Trump-era America didn’t need another example of the lunkheaded folly of binary thinking. It’s entirely possible that there’s both shady tallying and that the potential victim is a petulant child highlighting irregularities that don’t technically exist.

Two other things can be simultaneously true, like Joe Biden being a smug dolt who’s spent an endless political career being wrong about everything and Trump being the worst possible defender of the opposite values. Don’t tell Laura Ingraham that one thing doesn’t make something unrelated true unless you want smoke to billow out her ears.

We don’t need unfairness to test character but have it constantly, anyway. This world sucks, as anyone residing on it for more than five minutes has noticed. Take who got to the final voting round and tell me justice prevails. But responding to crummy scenarios is a good portion of our lifetimes. Certain presidents use the chance to project irritability.

Calculating every vote is apparently trickier than a healthy relationship. A counting machine is too futuristic in this primitive era of glowing pocket screens powered by space beams. The determination of who got more support when everyone participating registers an opinion is the last thing in this stupid-ass reality that should be plagued with trickiness. A Sesame Street lesson is the last thing that should be political.

Republicans wish they had a guy who doesn’t fight to finish the bout. Establishment insider George W. Bush possessed the nerve to stand up to election shenanigans, and dooming Al Gore to star in the most undeserved Oscar imaginable is even more impressive compared to the incumbent flailing without effect.

Nobody serious takes Trump seriously, even when he has a serious gripe. I blame the fake news media for reporting he didn’t win when he said he did. The Rocky V of presidents will finally learn his lesson, by which I mean he’ll wail like a toddler who had a 5-hour Energy if he loses or wins. The judges are all biased.

Counting on Not Counting

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Of course our time in Hell hasn’t ended. The one certain result is that we’re enduring something eternal. Whatever we did to deserve bickering over tallying is rotten enough to be punished for far past our human conception of time. I blame politics, naturally. Governments that can’t count are surely careful with your money. I’m calling your mom but not Pennsylvania.

I’d feel sorry for anyone who woke up expecting to know who won the presidency if degenerate insomniacs weren’t also left waiting to discover what nobody really wants to learn. We all want an answer to the most reluctant question. Nobody’s opened the box on Schrödinger’s vote. Even if there’s not certainty, it’s safe to guess radiation will pour out.

Those conniving thieves entrusted with the supreme civic duty of handing out “I voted” stickers must be trying to steal the election if they stopped counting at three in the freaking morning. Why didn’t they hire sleepless darkness dwellers to count votes until the Tim Hortons dining room opens?

Seize the chance to come up small.  The incumbent setting himself up to moan about being cheated is the first time he’s ever plotted ahead. Naturally, it’s not for anything other than his benefit. Donald Trump risibly claiming he already won is so in character that Aaron Sorkin would’ve called the dialogue too predictable.

Bracing to find out which regrettable option commandeered the Electoral College’s chancellorship is like waiting at the doctor’s office: we want it to be over but not by hearing the diagnosis. There’s pain on the horizon that can only be forestalled for so long. But at least we’ll know what brand of suffering is in store, unlike the inscrutable question of why either is good. With options narrowed down to wrestling Godzilla or drinking lava, not knowing who won is a temporary win.

I’m only speculating without information because I’m trying to keep up. Our nation’s hobby is the natural byproduct of an election that provokes irritability. Guessing who prevailed during a game that’s not televised might get me a cable news gig.

Why not focus on why each potential outcome will bring pain? That’ll help cope with uncertainty. Votes are split between two prominent gentlemen who have each been astoundingly unproductive through their respective preening careers. Joe Biden is the prototypical useless federal employee, which makes it wholly unsurprising he’s trying to fake his way to the biggest job. As for his similar enemy, everyone should’ve picked up on Trump’s bluster distracting from utter lack of accomplishment by now. But if those unnervingly impressed by the color gold didn’t see there’s nobody strong behind the curtain by the time the casino-closer ruined the USFL,  it’s not happening after nearly a full term.

These are the two best humans America has to offer. Why do you deny logic? A lack of answers means just a bit longer to ponder how black holes of negativity were the final celestial objects. Take these extra few moments before fate sucks us in to not let politics reflect who we are. Americans are supposed to thrive without the government’s help, as this election confirms before we even know the final score.

Tribes are offended by being compared to present political factions. Venom gets more poisonous as the differences become more slight. Just know you’re supposed to despise anyone with a different logo tattoo. Sports fans are reasonable by comparison.

Each will end America, so what’s the point? The formality of which bad Teutonic era whose descent we’re copying is the only technicality left. Partisans bicker whether America is becoming East Germany or the previous undivided naughty version. No matter whose will triumphs, the letter S appearing consecutively will now be stacked.

In reality, we’ll just bust in the more traditional manner, namely by going broke. The final two both think Social Security is a good investment, which shows how this is the worst choice. Entitlements will continue to bankrupt an allegedly free nation while one of two egomaniacs bravely cowers from ever turning them into an investment. Biden’s more honest about wasting what’s yours on your behalf, which isn’t quite a virtue.

Nothing’s ultimate about this fight. A slap battle between a lifetime and longtime Democrat has been even less thrilling than anticipated. Hitting after the bell doesn’t feel like fun bonus action. Nobody told Biden the bout started.

Free people shouldn’t be this upset about not knowing which buffoon gets a jersey from the handful of championship team members who bother showing up at the White House. We’re going to be stuck with a nasty geezer whose ambitions far outreach accomplishments as executive soon enough, so relax for a few days.

Uncertain moments provide time to focus on minimizing the president’s powers, especially the imaginary ones. Panicking about unilateral enactment of creepy promises gives the winner exactly what he craves. I’d say nominate a woman next time if it’ll get me Bumble matches.

Don’t nominate a horse’s ass next time. The simple yet tricky notion applies to both sides, win or lose. Bipartisanship brings us together. Having to write in someone to avoid casting a ballot for an atrocious human means nobody wins. Voters already chose between one who’s a bad president and one who would be. All that’s left is adding up golf strokes. Low score should win.

Proclaim victory to create inadvertent levity. Cultivating integrity would’ve been a good idea decades ago if an executive hopeful would like to convince the public he’s won today. That bigmouthed little man is going to end up with the least deserved title in recent memory. It works either way.

Voting to Not

Posted on by Anthony Bialy

Integrity is trickiest to maintain when nobody else has it. Are you some uncool square with principles? But it’s the only potential reward after this fiendishly ghastly election, so display restraint never seen by participants. There’s certainly not going to be a president who trusts you to purchase what you need. That’s the wrong brand of toothpaste, idiot.

You can not participate. Did nobody on cable news remind you? It’s easier to sit home than vote for some pompous bastard who wants your wallet. The best part of a free country is declining. There should be a public service campaign encouraging everyone to not vote, especially considering the people. Encouraging everyone to not follow off the cliff is actually the inspirational path.

The spirit of nonalignment makes avoiding virtue-signaling easier. Wait until asked to announce you’re not affiliated. Those who are confused enough that they think one of these repulsive twits deserves a vote can brag about it.

By contrast, it’s tough to find a yard sign to announce nobody deserves support, as few campaign offices offer one that just says this sucks. Quietly watching LARPing is exponentially more satisfying than proclaiming either of these angry grandpas is going to make our lives better.

Be a punk not just to have material, although don’t do so because I said so. Refusing a fealty pledge involving a politician is an easy way to be one’s own person, especially in relation to one of these two. We want to choose between London Calling and Rocket to Russia, not Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond.

This is the perfect election to cheer for someone not running. Getting a ballot mailed to avoid the zombie plague means plenty of time to find and fill a blank box filled with possibilities. I’m a veteran of written dissent: I penned in Alice Cooper in the relatively normal year of 2016 because he was the leader America deserves.

This time I’m backing Dave Barry, and I swear I’m not making this up.  My support comes presuming America’s truest chronicler give me a cabinet secretary position upon his victory. I’m not particular, but I’d prefer whichever has the shortest hours. I take 10 to 3 very seriously.

You can always say you never fell for the blowhard whose whole shtick was being a winner. Why help stroke an ego begging to be punctured? People have had an entire term to learn what was obvious in the mid-’80s, namely that Donald Trump can’t get away with posing as a success unless his marks play along.

Concurrently, Biden’s desperate ranting is far more endurable when he’s away from power. It made him an ideal vice president, where he was given an Atari joystick Obama told him steered the nation. There would be one fewer word in his title, which almost makes it possible for him to remember it.

I hope he’s losing his mind, as it would at least explain why he believes the unfortunate claptrap he does. Sure, decay doesn’t explain an exceptionally weak mind’s previous half-century. Biden is ambitious in the worst manner, namely someone who won’t be discovered for his natural talent.

We’re stuck with a fuming putz of a president either way. Pretending otherwise is how sad types end up excusing appalling interventions into our lives on behalf of a logo. Angry partisans would feel so much better admitting the government eats it no matter which weaselly autocratic faction gets to be bossy.

The easiest ideology involves not believing this is the best possible choice. If you think politics could ever work, note the process narrowed it to this pair. They’re obviously the top two contenders, as otherwise the system doesn’t function properly. It’s no wonder participants don’t trust the free market when the options are this costly.

The ghastly campaign’s sole purpose is keeping unqualified workers away from the private sector. I fear having both hoodlums on the streets. Without this race, innocent people would have to deal with Trump pretending he’s a commercial titan. And a faceoff keeps Biden away from attempting to practice law. Based on his voting record, he needs all the rehearsals he can get.

The last two options are painfully unqualified even by federal employee standards. It’s tough to enjoy such unintentional farce even ironically.

The unfortunate victor will get to attend state dinners where he won’t even be charged for the meal. And he’ll be allowed to sign bills that will with certainty take away your right to exist as you wish at the expense of the ego of someone who thinks he knows better. The argument to never allow any politician to pass any new laws ever is as solid as it is unlikely.

The test to see if you should associate, hire, or marry a person is if they are unhappy once the winner’s announced. The one guaranteed prediction is the result will suck. Searching for relief on this rather appalling planet is as fruitless as any other attempt to locate meaning. You know the final two competitors are alpha males by how they keep reminding you.

Pursuit for the sake of it is surely healthy, as seen by how super politics are going. Nothing’s going to change after this election, much less improve. One of these nasty hoary bastards will be president. The only redemption will be knowing who you did or didn’t support. Refusing to participate is only sanctimonious if announced loudly. It’s easier to keep quiet.